Over Coffee

Most of us spend enough time in the real world that we formally meet thousands of people over the years. I don't know about you but I can't remember half of their names 5 seconds after shaking their hand... usually when I meet multiple people at once. Being on staff in the res halls, I met and got to know more students than a grade school teacher, in any given year. But I didn't get anywhere near as good as some of my old teachers... how the heck do they remember me from everyone else after the first class period??? Sweetness.

And in any given day, I might hold conversations with dozens of people I know. But how many of those people would find time in their schedule, or myself in mine, to sit down and hold a conversation you wouldn't easily forget. How many friends share something more than how their day is going. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about the game tonight.

Of course, we don't have time or the energy to share everything with everyone, but a few always dig deeper. Even the completely crazy and spontaneous friends... some people are turned off by those I enjoy being around most ;-)

Non-surface conversations. (aka what this post is really about, if the rest doesn't make it obvious enough.) I value friends who make time for them, greatly. Especially for those who are honestly engaged in talking with you, and care for what you think as much as you care for their thoughts. For those that know when you need to go deeper into something you mention in passing. For the friends you can count on to get together and talk about anything, over coffee, or over nothing at all.

It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I prefer to talk about things that actually affect our lives and our values, not to mention viewpoints that we might not have considered before, and life stories that lead into not only understanding the other person better but even understanding our own lives a little more too. It excites me to find friends who spontaneously ask you about something typically taboo or sensitive, or just find conversation over life's simplest blessings, and aren't prying in any way to judge or compare you. For those who enjoy intelligent conversation, but will laugh over the stupidest things. And I'm probably laughing too.

I've found so few of these friends over the years, and I don't think it's because I haven't met the right people. I can blame it on many things, and still wonder if I'm just not a naturally engaging person on a deeper level. But really, I'm a listener. I've worked to be a better catalyst for growth, for activities/thought with the things I've been involved in, but at heart I just like to work off of other people's thought processes, and build on them. My own insanely random thought patterns usually remain in my head, while others think better out loud. And sometimes I meet up with someone special that just wants to share. I build off of what others share, and use my enthusiasm to focus on something and take it to the next level. It's pretty easy being someone who's easily amused, and curious about most anything. :)

I hold a lot of respect for those who are quite knowledgeable about a subject yet open-minded, and will be honest with you regardless of if they think it might be offensive or hurtful. I greatly admire those who like to think deeply about life with others. The word "deep" can be misconstrued, but i'll just throw it out there. At the risk of sounding exclusionary, i'll just say I'm turned off by those that are content to inundate themselves with superficial things, only concerned with ephemeral matters. I wish I was better at helping them challenge themselves to value greater things. I'll also throw out that I tend to be inspired greatly by those that think in the context of what the bible teaches... those that can apply and change their lives readily according to what Jesus taught us. As I touched on briefly in my last post, that's a pretty much infinite source of wisdom.

We're a society of multi-taskers... one reason I've been resistant to conversing online over the years is not just because of how impersonal it is, but because the longer I wait for someone to respond, the less value it feels like they have for our conversation. This along with how much I gauge people on their tone of voice, inflection... and all the non-verbal messages, makes most online conversations feel limited. In turn, the less I feel entitled to share on my end... so things stay surface-based most of the time. It's not a given, but it's the usual theme.

I don't want to inadvertently offend anyone here either, those short conversations mean a lot too if it's our only chance to catch up with someone we really care about knowing is ok. Even with the closest friends, it's just a way to stay connected until you can get together for more.

I enjoy when large groups of friends get together... "the more the merrier", but I prefer a real conversation that won't turn into a circus of everyone waiting to get their word in. I'm turned off by those that are just waiting for the next turn to hear themselves speak. I've done it before, that while someone else is talking I'm just waiting for my chance to throw in my own view. Maybe we all have, and maybe for some it's all they know.

And i don't understand how I can't get through to a deeper level with some friends I really want to, even those I might know them quite well... and others can readily go there with me. I think it goes back to my tendency to be a listener, and not a catalyst of what I value talking about. It has something to do with chemistry. Chances are, if you know me well you also know I don't like to talk about myself unless it's apparent that I have to ;-) Something I'm slowly changing.

But it excites me to no end, when I find someone that's just honestly curious about what you think... or not even that... just glad you're there to share their thoughts with you, and they know you'll value them. And sometimes these friends make the greatest people to just relax with, time to wind down and say nothing at all. Sometimes they'll call just to share the silliest thing that just happened, or show up at your door to have someone to vent, or even cry to.

I kept some of them at bay over the years, for various foolish reasons, and others were just in my life for too short a time. Maybe it's just my own problem, but with those that I know I could be closer friends with, if we start off a certain way, I'm not sure how to get closer when I finally want to.

But I miss those friends, dearly. It didn't even have to be my significant other, but she'll have to be one of them to hold that kinda title anyway.

I wish I had one with me now.