New... Year

There's a passion I once knew, an absolute excitement for life and what I could do with it, with the Lord's blessing, in the coming years. An unpredictable combination of focus, spontaneity, and drive to blaze amazing paths and create limitless relationships. A drive that felt like the next day could wait, because I'm not done with this one yet ;-)

A passion that didn't know how to fit the number of things I wanted to be good at in my life, into the time I had.

Slowly, over the years, the vision has inexplicably faded, the colors fading to grey as progress diminished. With some flashes of brilliance here and there the exception, I fell into preoccupation with what's in front of me, and momentum ceased.

The drive brought me to who I was, and forward into my first college years, molding me into who I was to become.

What happened, to come to now. I'm numb, broken, and seemingly empty.

What message shall I give to this world, if not through my life. But what message holds much meaning if not filled with God's love.

And there's the key. The path of reforming my life recently around God is no coincidence in timing. Granted, it's insanely late in my eyes, but that's it. My drive to success years ago was completely self-motivated. As I grew more aware of the need to rely on God for direction, my internal drive shut down, with lack of vision. I have a very intense need to be working on something with permanence, and my preoccupation with the current jobs/classes was what my energy was solely on, for years. I needed to be working on something that would carry on into the real world after graduation.

But engineering didn't seem to be going anywhere I could see myself being passionate about, and switching to flight school was exciting and I found real drive for awhile til I realized I wasn't on a path of working on something with permanence. What I mean is that I don't have a &$($#@ing clue what I really wanted to be studying, but I needed it to be something that I could build on every day, and be something to help the society and world we live in. To be a part of something bigger than myself, and with enough hard work to someday be considered a leading expert in whatever I do... not for prestige, not for a measure of "success" as society views it... not money. But to reach a higher level of contribution to God's world in a measurable way. That's the dream that started to take hold, when I had already set in stone my path through and out of Purdue. As a pilot, and possibly as an Air Traffic Controller that I am currently on the closest path to pursuing, I am training for jobs that provide a sustainable service as I see it, a trade, a skill. I'm not expanding our understanding of anything measurably, I'm not changing our world in any way other than maintaining an established system. This doesn't mean I won't pursue them as a career for income and security... but it's not what I feel I was designed for. Don't get me wrong in how I speak of services/trades at all... I can tell you of a handful of people's professions that can be described in this way among those I just met tonight... and I have immeasurable respect for what some are doing to make our world a better place.

The only long term idea attm is to get a job secure so I can focus on the areas of my life I want to work on. And i can finally make random trips to explore the country/world as a pilot... but as ATC I'll make enough $$ to do it anyway ;-). Where to be based is another story. There's home, but I really feel drawn to a couple other places around the country. Somewhere with 4 seasons (i like snow, sorry ;-) low humidity, easy access to mountains, lakes, awesome community/arts, and an active and vibrant faith community. I can't bring family (or Wegmans,::sniff::) with me, but I've got a couple ideas, we'll see how they turn out as it's somewhat luck of the draw. o.0 God's definitely going to have a hand in this one, haha.

I can't tell you what I want to do with my life now tho. I'm 26 and somehow, frustratingly, I haven't found the focus on ANYTHING I can build on, day to day, just yet. I'm angry with God sometimes, as things seem to be adding up to nothing, because I have so much drive to do something I can't even put my finger on... not even a small step toward anything. Angry that He hasn't pointed me in any seemingly useful direction. Sometimes I really wish I was still in school, as a grad student doing research, or out in the field, developing something I'm interested in.

Honestly, I'm extremely excited about sustainable energy research... everyone knows how big a deal it is for us in terms of oil, pollution, etc. But not many see the scale we need to be working on it long term, given the alarming growth rates of energy consumption in our world, in many different forms. Balance in nature is precise... populations of organisms grow, and if not in check, die out suddenly when they exceed the limits of what their environment can provide. As humans we adapt well, of course, but even we have limits, that we stretch to tipping points...

I kinda wish I had majored in something that would allow me to work on a field like wind energy systems. But that's just one example. A prof back at Purdue wants to do atmospheric climate research involving the need for real-time aircraft air sampling and satellite data... with the right timing and coursework, I would have loved to be involved in that project. And if I was in engineering, I probably would have moved toward something that will help develop free flight... the next big thing in flying... it'll eventually allow everyone to pilot their own small aircraft instead of driving where they need to go, or taking an airline, for example. (No need to be a pilot...I know, scary)

Oh and on a random note, a lot of the current "alternative fuel" plans are complete joke. Sure you can discuss the pros/cons of hydrogen fuel cell, ethanol, natural gas, etc... but take a look at the energy requirements for creating the fuels themselves. You might as well go straight to electric cars (powered by batteries that aren't exactly ideal yet, tho ;-)) And aside from battery problem practicality with current technology, the concept of the Chevy Volt is a promising one. What they really need to do is create a Volt with Natural Gas as the backup instead of Unleaded... this country has a hell of a lot of it we just don't use. Chances are your local DOT vehicles are running on natural gas they refuel at their own pumps ;-)

Enough with the details. My loss of passion in life is suffocating right now, it's completely contrary to who I am. I can't stand having my brain idle, I can't stand not using what I have.

And you know what... I already explained in a previous post how all my Joy in life was centered on the love I've lost, but there's far more to it than that. I made a tenuous peace within myself when it came to falling short in drive and passion, as I was just hiding myself among the one aspect of my life I KNEW was moving towards what was meant to be, the only one thing I knew. Among everything else fading to grey, the truth about her in my life shone brighter and brighter every day, as I came to realize the one thing I was truly passionate about finding was a deep and growing life in Christ, and a family, with her. I was afraid of it for so long, knowing if I fell I'd fall completely... and being young/immature and not ready for true commitment. You just know when you've found that one person in your life tho, the one soul you'll spend the rest of your life with. I knew, deep within, from the first day, among the first glances into her infinitely loving eyes and connection through the touch of her fingertips... ok I shouldn't get into that, sorry. But in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I, recognize, And I know... thanks Ben Folds, nice try.

I fought a battle between altering career/life plans and giving too much of myself too quick, which would have been so easy to do with how we felt. I always knew, innately... and it's the one path in my life that for so many reasons not to be put into words, it felt God-given in purpose that we'd be together, no matter what. Now I have to find a way to accept it was all in my head. God's purpose prevails, and that one apparently wasn't it. Love finds a way... but not this way, apparently.

When I felt I had met the true love of my life so many years back now, I felt I had finally found someone that could keep up with me, and match my energy to become greater together than we could be apart. Someone that actually understood my crazy and insane side, and would want to journey ahead, with me, and I with her in whatever we found in life. With what I've described above, it feels like it eventually came to me not knowing how to keep up with her... I had slowly lost something big, i'm so subdued now. I'm not myself, from how I know I should be.

There's a pressure cooker of energy and drive building up inside me, not knowing what to release itself on just yet... It's been a long time, but I know how much can be accomplished when you really set your mind and all of who you are on something. There's one thing I know for sure, either way:

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~Matthew 19:26

And with prayer miraculous things are coming about even now.

But I'm not here to keep looking over my shoulder, to not be grateful for what I have already. I have faith that the path I'm taking will eventually show its worth, starting this new year.... hello 2009.

And somehow I know there's someone there to keep up with me, and I with her, when I've formed myself in the light of Christ that I should have, long ago. Someone who actually needs me in her life... to move forward together and with a family. I know purpose and direction will come, with this path and only God knows when we're ready. I'm not there yet, and it explains a lot of what's happened recently in my life. But who will be there, when I am... or who will grow with me, in this journey.

Watch out, world, when I find my way back. ;-)