Re: Coming Alive

Today was more than Father's Day this year. More than the first day of summer, but very fittingly also the anniversary of a wintry season in my life. More like an ice age, in the time spent discovering the truth, but I've been measuring lost time on my own terms and not God's. I was being prepared for the spring.

It's one thing to hurt myself, but I know it's hurt others along the way. If I didn't know better to realize this is the path the Lord intended for me, I would be greatly sorry for the collateral damage it caused, as it worked its way into consuming all other areas of my life, and affected the people I hold closest to my heart.

The reality is, I've spent most of my adult life seeking fulfillment and purpose in a most fruitless way. In a way that could lead to nothing but dead ends, and give nothing back to those around me. I've been seeking out friendships and associations with those who possess attributes I wanted to see within myself. With talents, personality traits, and gifts I longed for. At first glance, it sounds perfectly normal... it's only natural to seek out relationships with those you admire and relate to. But it was much more than that. Instead of striving to become what I valued... instead of working to improve and mold myself in the areas that make me come alive, I stopped at just associating with people who embodied those things. I felt, in some twisted way, that I could fulfill those needs within myself through them. I didn't learn or grow with them. All it led to was the inability to give back in the ways I cared most about. I didn't share in their joys, I watched.

That's the best way I can describe it. I know why I've struggled with purpose, I know why I've struggled to feel like I add anything significant to the lives of those around me. I know why I've found so little success in seeking out what I the world needs from me. A great man (who died a year before my birth) put it best... put exactly what I've been struggling with into words:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."
- Dr. Howard Thurman

Something makes each of us come alive. There's things that excite each and every one of us, inspired us, and bring out the best in who we are. Things that are unique to every person, that in turn find a way to better the lives of those around us. It goes beyond just the Spiritual Gifts I see within my faith community. And it's no wonder those who love their jobs are those who tend to be the best at what they do.

As I said, the reach of this destructive path has affected all areas of my life. But to give you an idea of what I mean, and not be COMPLETELY vague here, I'll give you one very important example.

It's no coincidence that many of my friends just so happen to be musicians. All told, a striking majority of my closest friends are still very much using their talents to this day. No, I have NOT filtered out those who don't fall under this category, it's just something I've come to realize very recently. There's a number of reasons I can understand why this is the case, but I relate to musicians extremely well in personality and interests, among other things. They're involved in areas I am, not just music. Think about your own profession... you may share specific traits with most everyone else in your field. Fill in the blanks for yourself: It seems like everyone in/at ______ tends to be _______.

Transitioning from High School, I left behind a number of things I didn't miss much... a number of things I didn't regret putting aside. But I played in the concert band at Purdue my freshman year for good reason... not because I desperately needed something to make my 21 credit hours in Engineering even more psychotic, but because music was too much a part of me. Beginning with that transition year, however, I began to suppress many things I cared dearly for, because I didn't know how to make them a part of my adult life. I didn't know what to keep, what to throw away, and what to create anew. And music became a tragic casualty of this time. I only saw a few Jazz concerts my whole 7 years at college... that's just crazy, for anyone who knows my love for Jazz. Its limitless ability to express spontaneous and individual moods, often with multiple voices building and blending with one another. It's dynamic, and ever changing. I'm a sucker for jazz piano, saxophone, and small intimate combos. But it was too painful to watch peers express themselves in ways I couldn't anymore. it was like staring in the face of denial... much easier to just avoid it.

And there's a real reason why it's eaten away at me ever since. If I'm ever blessed with my own family, there's one thing I want in my household more than most anything else (next to a family focused on Christ-likeness) and that's music. A family that thrives on it, plays, and learns together. A family that creates together. I have known quite a few families with parents who either both play/sing/teach music, or at least one who's still very talented and involved, with the other being very supportive. I've seen a couple husband and wives play/sing together, and it's one of the most inspiring things I've ever known... the love and unity they find in sharing their passion with others. And to see the varied ways it's affected their children's growth is amazing. Purely magic. I can't put my finger on a lot of things I desire to see in the years ahead anymore, but that's one that grows stronger all the time. I WANT that. And I can't just sit around expecting my beloved alone to one day fulfill that dream for me.

Where does that tie in to this journal entry? I walked away from music, for many reasons. But I walked away from the one thing that truly made me come alive in my childhood. I was no prodigy, and I didn't practice enough to do justice to how much I loved this outlet to my creative drive. My High School music teacher was impressed with the expressiveness in my music, the interpretation of a piece, tho my technical study fell behind as I became involved in many other activities. But it was the one thing I truly loved to be a part of. And when I walked away... it fell victim to the same trap so many other things did: I was seeking out association with others who had succeeded in places I wasn't going to, as if I was going to be fulfilled through them. And I suppressed my hope of finding a companion that was musically talented, because I was SO insecure with the fact that I couldn't even fulfill my own half of the dream. The truth is, I knew that at least one of the parents in my own family would need to be passionate in this area, and I wasn't sure if it would be me anymore, let alone both of us. And I knew there are many more important things than this to focus on when it comes to family. What use is it to have children who practice every night but aren't taught the critical lessons of life, children who aren't brought up in a household where the parents love, work, reach out to the less fortunate, and worship passionately together. Piano lessons can be bought, love cannot.

The point I'm getting at tho is that even in music and future family I've been searching to find people that fulfill my need for things I should be working on within myself. I'm tired of chasing, of being nothing more than a mirror. What could I give back, and how could I find true unity in my passions with others if I can't even contribute.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this in my future... but I know where I'm going to start. I know why I went to the Rochester Jazz fest for the first time in 7 years, and I know why jazz pianists and improv take my breath away. I know why I've been drawn to the keyboards so strongly in church, as the way I pray and worship is so strongly influenced by song. It's the way I want to share with others the glory of God. I LOVE worship music. It sets the tone for everything in my life, and I've buried my desire to write music under the reality that I didn't start when I was 5 years old. That I'm just too late. It's the excuse I used at 17, and it's the excuse that I could so easily use as i move towards 27. I make no assumption that it's my path, but it's the one I've run from.

So now it's time to begin excelling at the roles I've suppressed for so long. To end denying the gifts and God-give dreams I was meant to fulfill.

I can barely fathom how it's taken me a couple decades to figure out what I've been doing wrong. But the next couple will be done right, I pray. A year ago today I set out for the last time seeking others to complete myself. Today the season to seek completion of myself for others begins.

Fear not, everything's going according to plan. Just not ours. ;-)