Humbled

God likes to surprise us. I get the funny feeling sometimes that I've jinxed myself out of life changing experiences because I envisioned them happening already, so God changed the plan, ha. Kind of like having to call off a surprise party for someone because they caught wind of the scheme ;-) Truly, all the greatest moments of my life have come in ways and at times I never would have seen coming. Someday I'll stop imagining so many possibilities for my future, and focus on the here and now. Regardless...

How life has changed.

For the better? You'll have to ask me in 5 years. But If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, one thing alone, it's humility. I didn't fully understand the virtue, and I can't say I ever fully will. When I'm out on the street, begging for a place to stay out of the cold, forgotten and lost... maybe then I'd have a better idea. Anyway, I expected a lot of things that never happened.

Recent conversations and the word in Church today have hit on the reality that, on the whole, we tend to say THIS is what I want in life, so HOW God are YOU going to help me get there? We ask God to bend His will to ours. We pray for things to work out the way WE want them to. We ask for our desires to become His... completely the opposite of the way it works! It's the created telling the creator what to do. Silly Rabbit.

I once envisioned my life straight out of college very differently. I dreamed of being on the forefront and becoming an expert in my field (whatever it would be) and respected for my vision, and passion. Lord knows the drive that's been bottled up inside me. I saw myself finally playing piano and/or singing in music ministries, spreading joy in song. But above all else, doing the Lord's work in the purpose He's set before me. I dreamed of already being engaged to an amazingly loving and driven woman, and serving the Lord by helping others alongside her. I dreamed of late nights out on the town, dancing and singing our hearts out. I saw myself in unfamiliar places, shining the light of Christ to those who don't know Him. I saw myself traveling the country for career and just for fun, and exploring the world with her. I saw us finding a home for a family, and being effective within our community. I saw every day being lived with so much gratefulness for where we were, that we could accomplish anything, for His glory.

But the last few years unfolded very, very differently. I'm an innovator at heart, with nowhere specific to innovate. I travel thousands of miles around, with an empty passenger seat and no footprints to keep mine company. I hear the Lord's call to minister, to serve, but I don't yet hear how. I'm following music as I once had, without the talent to create it myself. I hear church bells ringing, but not for us. Days, weeks, months seem to fly by, at the peak of my youthful days, and I'm largely idle in progress, save faith. I love being spontaneous and crazy with my best friends, and in the trauma of undoing all of who I was, I have seemingly lost that spark. I'm pretty boring these days. I tragically seem to be a friend to so many, but a companion to none.

But what do I have to complain about? REALLY NOW? I have a roof over my head, and a warm place to sleep. Always a meal on the table, often worthy of the finest italian restaurants. I have a loving family that sticks together, and a job that pays the bills. Heck, I even have a very stable and financially encouraging career waiting for me. And I'm in perfect health, uncomfortably energetic (thanks youtube), physically fit, and nothing more than mild seasonal allergies to be bothered with. I have friends that care dearly for me; people I really admire and I'm forever grateful for. And above all else, I've finally broken down the walls inside to seek the fullness of the Lord, in all his amazing grace... in a relationship that only grows stronger every day. What... WHAT, could I ever be ungrateful for. I've been blessed in so many ways. And you know what? I really do seek out His will for my life, and not my own will anymore. I don't seek fulfillment through just watching others any longer. But everything feels empty without knowing the calling to fulfill, and journeying with my other half I once thought I had found.

Nevertheless, today in church confirmed I'm on the right track,in some ways... this post is really about something I won't touch on specifically yet, but it's about being obedient to Him. To being JOYFUL in being obedient in His will. and you know how you get there? With true faith and relationship first, then the ability to be obedient naturally follows. You can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak, as I was trying to do for so many years. You can be a man/woman of God on the outside, do so many godly things in your life, save others... stop wars, cure cancer... and still never be known to Him.

I once thought humility was the last thing I had to work on, until I was truly humbled. I once thought... you know, I don't have much of an ego. But in all reality, I saw myself on a certain esteemed level in society... a worldly view, but I valued it then. I saw myself as worthy of certain things, and other things seemed unworthy of my time and effort. Things other people value. That is, until I realized I wasn't admired for much of anything by my peers. Until I realized that my degree wasn't good for much more than a career I'm no longer pursuing. Until I realized that I was foolishly hoping my love of so many years would adore me for things I just didn't embody yet. Until I realized that I was so focused on myself, so caught up in the worldly view of things, that I didn't fully see what putting others first really meant, when I assumed that I had been serving well enough so far. Until I saw what true sacrifice and humility was on the cross.

Those concerns, in light of the bigger picture, are relatively insignificant. I'm still seeing those things in the old light, forgetting that the Lord loves all of us equally. That any insecurity I had about losing my former love to the reality of my shortcomings is so foolish... anyone I'm meant to walk with will be with me through thick and thin, will see to the heart of me, and will make me a priority, as I will with her. If the worldly view got in the way of past relationships, then I'm overjoyed to leave the worldly to seek the Voice of Truth.

And that's where I'm going with this, I suppose. I'm well aware of how much this post is themed toward marriage, and companionship in my life. Two things that, if I didn't know the Lord desires for his children, I could assume are just another example of ME telling the Lord what I need in my life.

I'm getting at one vision that has proven Godly, throughout my life and continues to be as I see it fulfilled in others. It's actually something that haunted my inner thoughts and held me back in my last relationship, because it was missing. It's honestly not necessary, in any regard, as I loved her with all my heart either way, and the Lord brings people together in His way, as this post should make obvious. But I've always envisioned meeting my future beloved while serving the Lord. Being brought together because our paths just so happen to cross while giving of ourselves in Christlike service to others, and growing together because we're both focused on the Lord's work and not on ourselves. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but that's me. I've toyed with the possibility of joining MAF, a Christian missionary organization that needs pilots to fly into remote places around the world... usually third world countries. Spreading the truth about Christ while providing badly needed aid. That's all I would need in life... fulfilling God's purpose for me in a way such as that. Not even close to a healthy environment for starting a family, but in going along with the theme here, I wouldn't bat an eye to the story of meeting my future wife in a jungle of Central America, as I'm flying in medical supplies to a remote village she's there to aid as well.

So if I really am jinxing myself out of future events, there goes another one!

I'm rebuilding my life. Starting from scratch. And if I'm actually meant to share the adventures I dreamed of with someone, if I ever become as effective in ministry as I long to be, of finding true purpose and doing the Lord's work, and if I ever have a family I can lead in Christlike love, then it just hasn't happened yet, and there's no time to start but now. God willing :)