To say that I've stumbled onto something I seriously want to study and engage in would be a premature assessment. But in the previous year of prayer, I needed to empty myself of worldly biases and narrowed vision concerning my career path to find the place I'm in now. The previous mindset had seemingly answered little, and pointed nowhere of worth. Lets explore where I'm coming from.
We could start and end with John 15:5-11. This whole past year could... as my focus. But how about some details.
I've had a multitude of career interests, to say the least. But a winning mix of potential, practicality, and chemistry with my own strengths has evaded me all these years. Lets take a quick glimpse at the big ones: By 6th grade I was a natural artist, who realized in 7th grade that pencils and clay weren't going to feed a family. By 8th grade I was in love with Jazz... 11th grade inspired to teach music, and realized once college applications were rolling in that I couldn't improvise worth a damn, let alone teach anything coherently to anyone, even in my other favorite (physics) classes. I spent more time playing Soccer than anything else in my youth, and well, that's a sport; 'nuff said. So soccer/music would become mere hobbies, right? I always had a love of aviation, so... what was a good mix of career potential with this and my desire to work in R&D someday? Aeronautical Engineering, naturally :) With this pursuit in college came the realization that I had seriously underestimated how much math I would be doing, how theoretical it was, and how little my creative hands-on strengths would be employed. I felt disconnected from so much of myself in this field. So very disengaged. And I knew I would probably be heading to SoCal, Washington, Kansas, or D.C. if I wanted to work for the big aerospace employers. So when the opportunity to get hands-on within aviation as a pilot presented itself, I couldn't resist the thought of flying for a living, and as an airline pilot potentially work anywhere in the world. Moving back home to NY? Perhaps... family is pretty important to me. But I had a good idea by this time that I juuuuust might have run into a certain someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... and with her career pursuits being quite ambitious, the potential for geographical flexibility in my own career seemed pretty important. That was the deal breaker in my decision to enter flight school. Some years whirl by. 2008 rolls around as I come to the realization that being a pilot is anything but conducive to flexibility, stability, or security as I had once envisioned for a family. From youth to now all I had wanted was a talent, a profession, a direction that I could run with and achieve great things in (eventually). And someone to walk with in all things, and be excited to adventure with into tomorrow. 27 years in, and the slate is seemingly still clean.
Nothing tugged at my heart more over the years than the little voice inside me saying that I was going nowhere without Christ... without pursuing that relationship and accompanying wisdom I needed to gain with more fervor than any worldly pursuit. It sparked my curiosity in my early years... it poked at unfulfilled places of my heart in high school, and shed a growing light on what I was missing as I ventured into college. The aforementioned concerns took control, and I didn't yet have the faith to see that the answers weren't going to be found within myself. I needed to be transformed to ever move forward. Even up to the last couple months, doors had been shut on any progress professionally that might lead to something other than what the Lord intends for me. And it took until now to realize that I had been running *from* so many things that I should have been running *to*, all these years. Running in fear... of falling short in things I truly cared for, if I really tried. It was a twisted self-defense mechanism, brought on mainly by false worldly reasoning, and knee-jerk reactions to minor setbacks.
Coming face to face with the realization that I had made my faith a secondary priority and let the things that I love slip away in the lack of direction all those years devastated me. Don't get me wrong... it wasn't like I woke up one day and realized all this... I had been slowly drawing my thoughts inward and shutting down to others as I became more and more frustrated with my lack of progress professionally and spiritually. It doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to guess what that did to the most important relationships in my life. I had always been independent, associating myself with so many different groups and establishing myself nowhere. And I got to the point where I realized close relationships, and especially the one with my savior, was paramount in growing maturity and strength as an individual and as a member of a family and community.
So I've summarized my historical setbacks. Does it sound like a sob-story? Pleeease, self-pity is far from a problem... I'm joyful in being able to come face-to-face with my mistakes, if only to learn from them and head the right direction from here on out.
I've singled out the things I fell short in for this post... there's a reason I didn't mention my huge time commitment as an RA, and a Staff Resident. There's a reason I didn't mention my involvement in the Church (ever increasing, at least) and what my ambitions are now. I understand my strengths, and what I want in life so much better now. I've learned that there's so much to be said for trusting your instincts, and that in the famous words of Dr. Howard Thurman:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."And I finally know what makes me come alive... or at least I now realize the importance of these things. It's led me to an interesting concept I wanted to introduce tonight... but this post has gotten pretty long ;-) Also, I have a lot more exploring to do before I say much... as I said in the beginning of this post, to say that I've stumbled onto something I seriously want to study and engage in would be a premature assessment. But if you want a teaser into where it's headed, some keywords are Community, Culture, Google, and an amazing little concept I stumbled upon called Physchogeography. Stay tuned :)
