1. I don't write nearly often enough.
2. There's a missing avenue of interaction in my life where these thoughts would be more effectively expressed and put to good use.
3. I am a banana. (and math is not my forte)
Amidst the disappointments, dead ends, and uncertainty of my recent paths in life, there's a resolve that has risen up to take the place of a worldly perspective that once ruled my consciousness. A transformation is taking place; that without stillness in every other area of my life, may never have come. Truly, the Lord is directing me in ways I had never imagined.
No matter where this gift.... this mysteriously beautiful adventure we call life takes us, nothing is more important than the source of it all. So much in life eventually fades away, so much comes and goes. But the relationships we build echo into tomorrow, and our relationship with the creator echoes into eternity.
All things come from Him, and all things worth pursuing are good in His sight. It's an inescapable fact is that everything that leads away from Him is eventually a dead end in life. The road to something greater is through seeking His will;... seeking that which reflects God's own heart.
And so one thing that is certain amidst all the doubt in my life. It will from this time forward, aim to be spirit led.
When I first heard the Jars of Clay single "two hands" on the radio, I didn't think much of it. The rest of the album, frankly, spoke a lot more into my life. But the reality is that I've been fighting a battle between two voices in my spirit and in my mind, for years. I've lacked the ability to move forward in so many facets of life because of this battle... it becomes clearer every day what the Lord's intentions were in keeping me on this battleground, without a worldly pursuit to escape into. It's been a trial, on many fronts, and if anything James I (NIV) is a peek into exactly where I'm coming from (and going):
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. ... Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.The Lord wants us to be all in. We can't have one foot in the water and one in the sand, so to speak. In my search for a new direction in life, I once started with the ever popular Purpose Driven Life (PDL) devotional. I knew by the first few pages that it was a glimpse into exactly what I was missing. I dove in with the best of intentions, with friends, and the highest of hopes in finally starting a spirit filled dialogue with someone I had wanted to walk with in Christ for so many years. But it didn't take long to see that as much as I longed for my spirit to be in the right place, I wasn't seeking the Lord's heart above all else... I was seeking hers. Big problemo. Inverting those priorities within the heart isn't exactly like flipping a switch, a takes a lot more than occasional prayer. Needless to say, PDL was put on hold... as I knew it wouldn't lead me to any real change without placing Him first. And I knew I could never lead anyone else, let alone a family, without His voice coming through loud and clear above all others. I was so angry, and so frustrated that the companion I had been praying for my whole life was right before me, had been for some time, and I was completely unprepared to move forward with her. To this day I've encountered little evidence to contradict that I gave up a once in a lifetime chance. The Lord brought kindred hearts together, and for what purpose with this result I still cannot say. I know this is all preparing me for something greater, something... real. It's amazing how in the face of all despair, when every worldly indicator says that the best has gone and passed you by, the spirit of truth whispers a familiar promise :D I can't wait to take on tomorrow... and with a little hope that there'll be someone to walk into it with me, in all ways.
So what voices had been pulling me in different directions? No, we're not schizo ;-). My mind keeps seeking what I know I need, but to implant these things upon my heart so that they're an integral part of the way I operate is quite the challenge. It comes down to more than the voice of God vs. worldly reason/desires. It comes down to a mindset.
I consider myself a relatively unselfish person... I enjoy serving others in many ways, and would drop my own priorities to help someone out in a heartbeat. I don't like to talk about myself all that much... other peoples' stories, experiences, talents, and viewpoints fascinate me more than most anything. So i've spent much of my life listening to and evaluating the 'needs' of those around me. But when I take a good honest look at how relatively little insight I have into the psychological (emotional/social/spiritual) needs of those closest to me, it begs the question... where am I going wrong?
There's a reason Jesus died on the cross for us. Well, ok there's something that it exhibits in denying human nature... in forgoing self-preservation. In Jesus' mind... WE always came first, before himself. His instincts were motherly in nature, if you will. The first thought was how to redeem us in the fathers' eyes... how to save us. Not himself.
When I keep tabs of what's going on in my mind throughout any given day, it becomes readily apparent that my mind is faaaaaar too preoccupied with selfish concerns. What do *I* need here, what will *I* gain there. I spend far too little time concerned with the thoughts and needs of others. Deeper needs are given so little brainpower.... I usually stop at the surface. Maybe this is common in society... but it's not ok. Penetrating insight, if you will, is not something you're born with. I wholeheartedly believe it begins with a mindset, and is developed over time with healthy relationships. The key I'm getting at is where the mindset begins; its foundation. Some people are brought up in families/environments that prepare them well for this... and so they transition to bearing greater responsibility in life quicker than others. I know plenty of brilliant people... some who are gifted socially as well. But it's no coincidence that the wisest and most successful people I admire are often the strongest Christians I know. Christianity is not a 'religion'... when you get down to it, it's a way of life, a revelation of truth, and a way of thinking. And the further I dive into it, the more excited I am to go deeper. The bible is not a 'manual' for how to live... it's the truth we constantly strive to follow, and realize with every answered question we're still only scratching the surface.
I'm just getting into this, and I've been slowly writing this post over a week or so. But it's time to rest. 'til tomorrow...buona notte.
