WhatWhatWhat?

When dumb forum posts are just begging for subtle answers... that are helpful, of course :)

http://lmgtfy.com/

BOOM, The Third Day!

Apparently Easter is a good excuse to blow things up in Florence, Italy. The Scoppio del Carro Festival literally means "Explosion of the Cart". Really? Really??

Fortunately it's just fireworks set off by a flaming mechanical dove from the cathedral, sent on a zipline to a 500 year old antique cart. Perfectly normal stuff. Yay holy fire!

So anyway, maybe I'm an odd one. I keep a Journal that will often center on thoughts regarding faith, and biblical reflection. Who does that? And really, how many people read this? Ok well today at least I have an excuse. ITS EASTER, PPL. Danke.


Easter Sunday. Yum... can't wait til dinner :D It brings back memories of Easter Egg hunts in the backyard (sometimes with snow ;-), tons of chocolate, and the usual family craziness. But how often we forget what we're celebrating. Pretty much the most amazing thing that ever happened.

Oh yeah, that.

Good friday marked the end of Jesus' life on earth. The son of God... died. Even the one who was without sin - even the one who deserved anything but the pain he endured - died a horribly painful death. He was willing to die for those who, literally, crucified him. How much are you willing to do for someone who can do you little good? Let alone those who want to kill you? (I hope that department is understaffed ;-))

Jesus didn't just die for our sin... he became sin. he took it from us. How much freakin weight does that bear, how much guilt... for one person, let alone the whole human race. The one who knew he was the son of God, knew what was going to happen...cried out on the cross asking why God has forsaken Him. Why??? Well, God is too pure to look upon evil... so spiritually, in a sense, God turned away from his own son for that time. Triumph over death, came at such a price.

An interesting fact here... is that in Matthew 27, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" is Jesus quoting Psalm 22, which describes the crucifixion, as He is fulfilling that prophecy. Psalm 22 was written 600 years before crucifixion was even invented.

So today, as we celebrate Easter, remember the price that was paid, and the amazing grace shown to us through His death and resurrection. As the curtain in the Jewish temple was torn, the curtain which sealed off the most Holy place to everyone except the high priest... so now the sin that separated man from God has been bridged! The veil between us and God was torn apart.

"So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!”
-Matt 27:54

The first to proclaim belief in Jesus was one who presided over and probably ordered the nails to be driven into him. The centurion was a hardened soldier who felt little remorse, or even enjoyed carrying out the execution of an innocent man, of God's own son... but is given credit throughout the ages as the first to realize the truth. God's written word shows such divine grace to even one who helped murder His son! How awesome is that grace, how awesome is such a transformation as that?

I still don't fully understand grace. But in a nutshell, God doesn't just show mercy to us, taking away punishment we deserve... we are given more instead. We are shown unmerited favor. We have the potential to fulfill His purpose for each and every one of us, if only we believe and follow Him. We strive, above all else, to be more like Christ. Christ glorified God in all that He said, an all that He did. The power of God in our lives becomes more and more apparent as we do so as well.

And so we give thanks to God's son for making this relationship with our creator possible, and our eternal salvation possible by paying our debt. Now if only He could pay off Sallie Mae for me.

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia :)

I think, it's time to party. As Peter [Pan] might say...Bangarang.

Best. Ever.

And yet somehow, Genesis is slightly more accurate ;-)

Delay of Game

For the sake of something worth the weight it carries, it might be a little while til the next post I promised. Trust wasn't exactly the word to introduce where I'm headed with this, but it's a critical thing to live with. Trust, that God is faithful. Not that He chooses to be, but that He IS.

I feel that I should actually finish reading this book before I write more. I am constantly amazed at the grace granted to us, the miracles that take place every day, and the blessings we often take for granted.

And in between, God uses the crises we go through, and the evil we face, for His purpose. Never quit.

o rly?

Trust, is a big word.

No, not like antidisestablishmentariani-... you get the idea. just weeding out the occasional peanut gallery literalist in the audience. Speaking of peanut galleries, feel free to give me a hard time any day in the comments section ;-).

I had an idea of what I wanted to say when I sat down to write this post, but as per usual random thoughts can take over. So I'll get back to that big word in a minute.

Anyone here watch House MD? Well if I watched much TV, I probably would too... if I could stand even one minute of listening to Hugh Laurie's character. It's an odd thing. Characters like House pull off the witty, cerebral, and sarcastic mix of cynical humor with brilliance. But what undoubtedly draws many viewers to this humor- subconsciously, even, is exactly what I abhor in it's execution. This brilliant style of wit is often used by House to verbally rip others apart, preying on weaknesses. Let me put it this way... as much as I personally enjoy any opportunity to be sarcastic, in many cases there's a fine line between it being merely funny, and being pointlessly harmful. House can get away with using his style while being condescending and arrogant because of the skill he possesses. It's akin to watching American Idol or Hell's Kitchen... you know the judge is telling it like it is, and you respect him for his expertise, but it often leads to, in the end, just being another arrogant asshole, for lack of a better word. ;-). All I'm getting at is that I've personally known a few people with House's style of humor... the random, uncompromisingly honest and sarcastic wit that's always on the tip of their tongue (I'm a suppressed nerd at heart, so it's 10x funnier when it pertains to something insightful/scientific... or just XKCD-ish, hehe) but it's rare to come across someone that can use this gift in a constructive way.... even if just adding to everyday socializing. House just rubbed me the wrong way because I'd LOVE the character, if only it didn't come with the dark side of the force... lol. Kinda like Boondock Saints. AWESOME... oh wait, they're murdering in the name of God. Sigh. Don't get me wrong... my examples are just fiction. But they highlight bigger things.

I think I'll leave that big word for an entry to come very soon. What do transposition, Colorado, satellites and Paul all have in common? Probably nothing. But they all play key roles in my next post ;-) I need some sleepz for now, kthxbai.

Right of Conscience, eh.

So I haven't written much lately, at least not in this journal. I won't go into why just now but I might just post directly on facebook notes from now on, instead of being somewhat redundant. Anywho, not exactly the issue at hand right now.

I'm a firm proponent of much that Obama stands for; a healthy portion of that respect stems from his seemingly open-minded and logical approach to fairly representing the American people's interests, as well as those beyond our borders. While I hold his thought process in high regard, none of us are going to agree 100% of the time with el presidente, regardless of who it is. But without even considering my own views on the role of our president concerning right to life issues, I think Obama's definitely getting a check minus concerning planned action against the Right of Conscience Rule.

While it's one of those eleventh hour laws slipped in before the next administration can take office, it was seeking to help protect health care professionals who refuse to provide optional services such as artificial insemination, abortion, etc. on grounds of moral/religious objection. It seems more than fair that an OB/GYN, for example, shouldn't be forced to provide care that he/she personally objects to (or face the consequences). We're not talking about an ambulance driving to the scene of an accident and refusing to save a life... we're talking about the US constitution, in all reality. I don't believe the "right" to a legal abortion should be elevated above the first amendment, which should protect the doctor from refusing to perform one given religious beliefs, for example. Not to mention conflict with the hippocratic oath.

Nobody can pretend to ignore that it was a law enacted by a pro-life administration (a hypocritical administration in that area...lets not go there), but it was addressing a common sense right that didn't really need to be protected until recent times, where we now live in a society polarized on this as it is.

Obama is seeking to repeal the rule. Doctor's and nurses will just be placed back under the potential fire of being discriminated against if they refuse to perform a procedure. If I had a buck for every time I know of someone that said "well I could have this done but my doc won't do it because _____ might cause ________" then, well, you get the picture.

The rule may be somewhat vague and could be better worded, but I somehow doubt a revision and re-enactment of the same protections are planned.

Well kiddies i've gotta run. But just a thought for today.

V-Day

It's a whole new ballgame this time around.

I've spent a number of Valentine's Days without someone. Well, relatively few have been set for romance, but it's been an occasion that's fallen on times I was happily single, extremely happily taken, hopeful, or not far removed from a previous relationship. I've seen the spectrum, and had a few I could actually express my feelings during. And yet in the past, regardless of status the day itself didn't affect me much other than to give me a good excuse to plan something for someone when the timing was good. I figured... kinda made up holiday, and I can be romantic any day of the year I choose. I won't be tied to cultural expectations of this particular day, basically ;-)

But something's just tough about this one, when it never was before. I just want to spend an unplanned random day with that special someone, maybe a road trip to start, then at the very least a candle-lit dinner before dancing the night away. I guess I mentioned it in my "25 things", but I just want the chance to be creatively romantic again... I shortchanged so many occasions before, and it's been so long. I'm tired of feeling either discouraged or unable. Not looking forward to more of the same. it makes one realize how important it is to make the times you can, count.

It's funny because up to now, I've shied away from dancing with anyone but the girl I was enamored with or dating. It just didn't feel right. So I never learned ballroom, salsa, swing, whatever, on top of slow dancing. I even went through a phase where I thought dancing was pointless... probably because I'm not good at it ;-). (The kind of "dancing" people do at clubs still bothers me, that's the only exception.) Anyway, I still hoped I'd find someone that would want to learn with me. Any upcoming girl is going to have to want to!

It's been joked that tomorrow is "singles awareness day", haha true, true for us. This one's different, this one's finally harder to handle than just the frustration of being away from someone I care about. I can at least now chalk up knowing what it's like. But I hold no animosity to those that have a Valentine, and I hope it's a good one for many :)

Flight 3407

Thoughts and prayers with those aboard, and loved ones on the ground :(

I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.

Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.

Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.

Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.

Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.

By Your Side.

Using Youtube cuz it's the best way to link here. But I just love this song. That's all that can be said.

Four Seven

But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God
and not from us.
~2 Cor 4:7

So I might start sounding a little obsessed with the band Jars of Clay, but it just hit me why the hidden track is titled "Four Seven".... the verse above. Kinda like looking at the Fedex logo and finally seeing the arrow between the e and the x. Duh.

Where was I back in seventh grade when everyone else was obsessed with Flood? Apparently not paying close enough attention. Seems to go along with a lot in my life up to this point.

Read all of 2 Corinthians 4. We are but earthen vessels... cracked, broken, dirty. Nothing more ordinary and common than a jar of clay in biblical times. But we also have this treasure, the light of Christ to shine from within. A power that could not come from ourselves; from ordinary jars. the power must come from somewhere else... something greater. The clay will one day shatter and turn to dust, but the power remains. Why the heck would God put the treasure in such a frail place? Or why would he have His own son born in a manger for that matter?

Extraordinary power, from an ordinary place. So where should the focus be? Not on ourselves, but on the source of power. It's such a challenge to see past the humanity, or human condition if you will, sometimes. You'd think the treasure would be put in pots of silver or gold. But how would that encourage needing more. God could become an afterthought.

A glistening pot can be tarnished, but a dirty vessel made clean.

I sometimes sound like I'm going for some kind of sermon... so I kept it short. Just a little excited I suppose.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...
~2 Cor 4:17-18

resonant frequencies

You know, if there's one thing that's bugged me since I was, oh, half my current age, it's that I never took up piano lessons. What am I thinking with learning the guitar on my last post?

There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.

I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.

So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)

From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)

Lists

Since graduation, I have an insane amount of time (which is driving me insane) to do things with. Anyone out there with a life that surrenders little time to sleep, TRUST ME, from someone that needs to be productive, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. But outside of work...

To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.

Rick's "To Do" List,

• Read the Bible, all of it. (obviously not just for the sake of completion ;-)
• be conversational in Italian. Heck, i can get practice anytime just by dropping by my dad's club.
  
• Learn to cook a good amount of the amazing food i'm spoiled with at home...
  
• learn to play guitar, and sing more.
  
• defeat the decepticons, use my powers for good instead of evil.
• continue with this list in a more serious manner.
• serve in some ministry for the community... i.e. habitat.
• Be in better physical shape/health than I was even in HS.
• ...TBD
  

Try me... in the absence of life throwing curveballs to prevent/change them, of course. Cuz you know, that NEVER happens ;-) But in the absence of hearing any purpose in this time, I'll be damned if I don't get working on things I was driven to do in years past.

Nothing is real 'til it's gone. v2

It seems like God found every little way to give us a chance, but we found every little way to run from living in that light.

It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.

Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.

It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.

For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.

I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".

And yet we didn't.

And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.

For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.

I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.

I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.

Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.

All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.

I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.

Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.

But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.

We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.

After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.

I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.

All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.

But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.

I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.

I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Burried beneath all the lies.
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes.

And hold on before it's too late.
We'll run 'til we leave this behind.
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.

And the risk that might break you's
The one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone.
-GGD

___________

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
~C.S. Lewis


Brooke Fraser again, with Hillsong United :)

New... Year

There's a passion I once knew, an absolute excitement for life and what I could do with it, with the Lord's blessing, in the coming years. An unpredictable combination of focus, spontaneity, and drive to blaze amazing paths and create limitless relationships. A drive that felt like the next day could wait, because I'm not done with this one yet ;-)

A passion that didn't know how to fit the number of things I wanted to be good at in my life, into the time I had.

Slowly, over the years, the vision has inexplicably faded, the colors fading to grey as progress diminished. With some flashes of brilliance here and there the exception, I fell into preoccupation with what's in front of me, and momentum ceased.

The drive brought me to who I was, and forward into my first college years, molding me into who I was to become.

What happened, to come to now. I'm numb, broken, and seemingly empty.

What message shall I give to this world, if not through my life. But what message holds much meaning if not filled with God's love.

And there's the key. The path of reforming my life recently around God is no coincidence in timing. Granted, it's insanely late in my eyes, but that's it. My drive to success years ago was completely self-motivated. As I grew more aware of the need to rely on God for direction, my internal drive shut down, with lack of vision. I have a very intense need to be working on something with permanence, and my preoccupation with the current jobs/classes was what my energy was solely on, for years. I needed to be working on something that would carry on into the real world after graduation.

But engineering didn't seem to be going anywhere I could see myself being passionate about, and switching to flight school was exciting and I found real drive for awhile til I realized I wasn't on a path of working on something with permanence. What I mean is that I don't have a &$($#@ing clue what I really wanted to be studying, but I needed it to be something that I could build on every day, and be something to help the society and world we live in. To be a part of something bigger than myself, and with enough hard work to someday be considered a leading expert in whatever I do... not for prestige, not for a measure of "success" as society views it... not money. But to reach a higher level of contribution to God's world in a measurable way. That's the dream that started to take hold, when I had already set in stone my path through and out of Purdue. As a pilot, and possibly as an Air Traffic Controller that I am currently on the closest path to pursuing, I am training for jobs that provide a sustainable service as I see it, a trade, a skill. I'm not expanding our understanding of anything measurably, I'm not changing our world in any way other than maintaining an established system. This doesn't mean I won't pursue them as a career for income and security... but it's not what I feel I was designed for. Don't get me wrong in how I speak of services/trades at all... I can tell you of a handful of people's professions that can be described in this way among those I just met tonight... and I have immeasurable respect for what some are doing to make our world a better place.

The only long term idea attm is to get a job secure so I can focus on the areas of my life I want to work on. And i can finally make random trips to explore the country/world as a pilot... but as ATC I'll make enough $$ to do it anyway ;-). Where to be based is another story. There's home, but I really feel drawn to a couple other places around the country. Somewhere with 4 seasons (i like snow, sorry ;-) low humidity, easy access to mountains, lakes, awesome community/arts, and an active and vibrant faith community. I can't bring family (or Wegmans,::sniff::) with me, but I've got a couple ideas, we'll see how they turn out as it's somewhat luck of the draw. o.0 God's definitely going to have a hand in this one, haha.

I can't tell you what I want to do with my life now tho. I'm 26 and somehow, frustratingly, I haven't found the focus on ANYTHING I can build on, day to day, just yet. I'm angry with God sometimes, as things seem to be adding up to nothing, because I have so much drive to do something I can't even put my finger on... not even a small step toward anything. Angry that He hasn't pointed me in any seemingly useful direction. Sometimes I really wish I was still in school, as a grad student doing research, or out in the field, developing something I'm interested in.

Honestly, I'm extremely excited about sustainable energy research... everyone knows how big a deal it is for us in terms of oil, pollution, etc. But not many see the scale we need to be working on it long term, given the alarming growth rates of energy consumption in our world, in many different forms. Balance in nature is precise... populations of organisms grow, and if not in check, die out suddenly when they exceed the limits of what their environment can provide. As humans we adapt well, of course, but even we have limits, that we stretch to tipping points...

I kinda wish I had majored in something that would allow me to work on a field like wind energy systems. But that's just one example. A prof back at Purdue wants to do atmospheric climate research involving the need for real-time aircraft air sampling and satellite data... with the right timing and coursework, I would have loved to be involved in that project. And if I was in engineering, I probably would have moved toward something that will help develop free flight... the next big thing in flying... it'll eventually allow everyone to pilot their own small aircraft instead of driving where they need to go, or taking an airline, for example. (No need to be a pilot...I know, scary)

Oh and on a random note, a lot of the current "alternative fuel" plans are complete joke. Sure you can discuss the pros/cons of hydrogen fuel cell, ethanol, natural gas, etc... but take a look at the energy requirements for creating the fuels themselves. You might as well go straight to electric cars (powered by batteries that aren't exactly ideal yet, tho ;-)) And aside from battery problem practicality with current technology, the concept of the Chevy Volt is a promising one. What they really need to do is create a Volt with Natural Gas as the backup instead of Unleaded... this country has a hell of a lot of it we just don't use. Chances are your local DOT vehicles are running on natural gas they refuel at their own pumps ;-)

Enough with the details. My loss of passion in life is suffocating right now, it's completely contrary to who I am. I can't stand having my brain idle, I can't stand not using what I have.

And you know what... I already explained in a previous post how all my Joy in life was centered on the love I've lost, but there's far more to it than that. I made a tenuous peace within myself when it came to falling short in drive and passion, as I was just hiding myself among the one aspect of my life I KNEW was moving towards what was meant to be, the only one thing I knew. Among everything else fading to grey, the truth about her in my life shone brighter and brighter every day, as I came to realize the one thing I was truly passionate about finding was a deep and growing life in Christ, and a family, with her. I was afraid of it for so long, knowing if I fell I'd fall completely... and being young/immature and not ready for true commitment. You just know when you've found that one person in your life tho, the one soul you'll spend the rest of your life with. I knew, deep within, from the first day, among the first glances into her infinitely loving eyes and connection through the touch of her fingertips... ok I shouldn't get into that, sorry. But in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I, recognize, And I know... thanks Ben Folds, nice try.

I fought a battle between altering career/life plans and giving too much of myself too quick, which would have been so easy to do with how we felt. I always knew, innately... and it's the one path in my life that for so many reasons not to be put into words, it felt God-given in purpose that we'd be together, no matter what. Now I have to find a way to accept it was all in my head. God's purpose prevails, and that one apparently wasn't it. Love finds a way... but not this way, apparently.

When I felt I had met the true love of my life so many years back now, I felt I had finally found someone that could keep up with me, and match my energy to become greater together than we could be apart. Someone that actually understood my crazy and insane side, and would want to journey ahead, with me, and I with her in whatever we found in life. With what I've described above, it feels like it eventually came to me not knowing how to keep up with her... I had slowly lost something big, i'm so subdued now. I'm not myself, from how I know I should be.

There's a pressure cooker of energy and drive building up inside me, not knowing what to release itself on just yet... It's been a long time, but I know how much can be accomplished when you really set your mind and all of who you are on something. There's one thing I know for sure, either way:

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~Matthew 19:26

And with prayer miraculous things are coming about even now.

But I'm not here to keep looking over my shoulder, to not be grateful for what I have already. I have faith that the path I'm taking will eventually show its worth, starting this new year.... hello 2009.

And somehow I know there's someone there to keep up with me, and I with her, when I've formed myself in the light of Christ that I should have, long ago. Someone who actually needs me in her life... to move forward together and with a family. I know purpose and direction will come, with this path and only God knows when we're ready. I'm not there yet, and it explains a lot of what's happened recently in my life. But who will be there, when I am... or who will grow with me, in this journey.

Watch out, world, when I find my way back. ;-)

Childhood Game Flashback

Anyone remember Mousetrap? zomg how did I NOT get involved in Rube Goldberg @ Purdue after this.

I think it was usually a lego knight or something with more personality than a little molded plastic mouse made in china (with 100% DV of lead! whee!) that made it into the trap.

I know there's a 1 in 100 chance that anyone ever actually waited til the end to set it off, but I think i managed to keep my brothers in line for awhile.

Then again, not losing any of the bajillion little pieces after playing it the first time would be a miracle. Somehow i kept track of all those legos tho...

Insert title here

So I mentioned in a previous post that I would get back to my take on Peter. I have no intention of turning my journal into a biblical reflections page or something that that effect... but sometimes i'm kinda excited to write about what I might be focusing on attm, and this is what's up now. This is about the gifts we're given, for our purpose... if you will. We are all "anointed" with our own unique gifts, talents, etc.

We often say we want to do this, or become that, in our lives. At least for me, it's been one of the hardest lessons to learn that we don't choose our calling in life... we don't choose what we've been anointed to become. It's given to us, and at a time we don't choose either.

Read on, and be patient with my thought process ;-)

The disciple given the name of Peter, by Jesus, (also known as Simon Peter, as he was originally Simon) was a brash, hotheaded, impulsive man. A man based on action, and not over-thinking. Peter was the first to be called to Jesus' side, and the first to confess Jesus was the Messiah. But Peter denies being his disciple vehemently, 3 times, as Jesus said would happen.

I'd heard the verses of Matthew 16:22-23 many times before, but never understood them well til recently. Jesus had just explained to the disciples how he would die, before this passage:

Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"
Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Why did Jesus call him Satan? I never looked closer at why. Peter was a prideful man... to the point of having the nerve to basically claim he knew more than God. A claim that Satan would make. Peter had self-reliance, to a fault. He didn't stay loyal to Jesus' teachings at first, he didn't stay loyal to the truth he previously proclaimed. At the last supper, Jesus said:

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
~Luke 22:31-32

An indication that God knew Simon Peter would betray Jesus, and that when he had turned back to the truth, he would be called to strengthen others. Peter had the benefit of hearing his calling in life directly from the mouth of Jesus. In John 21:15-17, Peter was told to feed Jesus' lambs, take care of His sheep, and feed His sheep. I won't go into all of what that entails here.

But what's this sifting? I'm no farmer, but I know that chaff and anything foreign is separated from the wheat here. Satan would test Peter, trying to draw him out, sift him, and separate him from the faith, the flock, and his purpose.

What kind of weight do you think was on Peter, after realizing what he had done? What do you do after you've.... betrayed God?

Often, we isolate ourselves, and withdraw when we've failed. It's easy to throw in the towel, and just give up when it seems all is lost. This makes it so easy for Satan, for sin, to win out... divide and conquer. How the heck did Peter make it back to the disciples after this... after such a betrayal.

But Peter let God be God to him. He took what was coming to him, after the betrayal... but received grace instead. It's the same for us... when we fall, God's already planned our restoration, no matter how hard we fall. So long as we open our hearts to Him, and let Him be our Lord. Pride has no place, we can't do it all on our own.

In our weakest times, we often learn the most, and somehow we grow. Somehow, we must rejoice over the biggest trials in our lives, knowing we'll come out stronger in the end, knowing that God is allowing our suffering that it might draw us closer to Him.

Rejoice... your failures, in God's hands, are designed to be life for others. (Thanks, Pastor Mark.)

Peter found a deep repentance after his failure, and fulfilled the purpose Jesus gave to him, after proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah:

Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."
~Matthew 16:13-19

Peter was originally an ordinary fisherman... who can say he knew what his true purpose in life would be, who can say he knew what he would be anointed with before it was spoken. We're all made to fulfill some purpose in life, whatever that may be. We're all given talents to serve others in this world, and even our times of greatest failure can become the foundation for the greatest lessons learned, so in turn we add to God's glory in many ways through those lessons, those trials. Peter directly betrayed the son of God, and was still given the responsibility of building the foundations of the faith community we know today.

O holy night,
the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night
of the dear Savior’s birth!

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared
and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope,
the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks
a new and glorious morn...

Merry Christmas, everyone :D

Over Coffee

Most of us spend enough time in the real world that we formally meet thousands of people over the years. I don't know about you but I can't remember half of their names 5 seconds after shaking their hand... usually when I meet multiple people at once. Being on staff in the res halls, I met and got to know more students than a grade school teacher, in any given year. But I didn't get anywhere near as good as some of my old teachers... how the heck do they remember me from everyone else after the first class period??? Sweetness.

And in any given day, I might hold conversations with dozens of people I know. But how many of those people would find time in their schedule, or myself in mine, to sit down and hold a conversation you wouldn't easily forget. How many friends share something more than how their day is going. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about the game tonight.

Of course, we don't have time or the energy to share everything with everyone, but a few always dig deeper. Even the completely crazy and spontaneous friends... some people are turned off by those I enjoy being around most ;-)

Non-surface conversations. (aka what this post is really about, if the rest doesn't make it obvious enough.) I value friends who make time for them, greatly. Especially for those who are honestly engaged in talking with you, and care for what you think as much as you care for their thoughts. For those that know when you need to go deeper into something you mention in passing. For the friends you can count on to get together and talk about anything, over coffee, or over nothing at all.

It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I prefer to talk about things that actually affect our lives and our values, not to mention viewpoints that we might not have considered before, and life stories that lead into not only understanding the other person better but even understanding our own lives a little more too. It excites me to find friends who spontaneously ask you about something typically taboo or sensitive, or just find conversation over life's simplest blessings, and aren't prying in any way to judge or compare you. For those who enjoy intelligent conversation, but will laugh over the stupidest things. And I'm probably laughing too.

I've found so few of these friends over the years, and I don't think it's because I haven't met the right people. I can blame it on many things, and still wonder if I'm just not a naturally engaging person on a deeper level. But really, I'm a listener. I've worked to be a better catalyst for growth, for activities/thought with the things I've been involved in, but at heart I just like to work off of other people's thought processes, and build on them. My own insanely random thought patterns usually remain in my head, while others think better out loud. And sometimes I meet up with someone special that just wants to share. I build off of what others share, and use my enthusiasm to focus on something and take it to the next level. It's pretty easy being someone who's easily amused, and curious about most anything. :)

I hold a lot of respect for those who are quite knowledgeable about a subject yet open-minded, and will be honest with you regardless of if they think it might be offensive or hurtful. I greatly admire those who like to think deeply about life with others. The word "deep" can be misconstrued, but i'll just throw it out there. At the risk of sounding exclusionary, i'll just say I'm turned off by those that are content to inundate themselves with superficial things, only concerned with ephemeral matters. I wish I was better at helping them challenge themselves to value greater things. I'll also throw out that I tend to be inspired greatly by those that think in the context of what the bible teaches... those that can apply and change their lives readily according to what Jesus taught us. As I touched on briefly in my last post, that's a pretty much infinite source of wisdom.

We're a society of multi-taskers... one reason I've been resistant to conversing online over the years is not just because of how impersonal it is, but because the longer I wait for someone to respond, the less value it feels like they have for our conversation. This along with how much I gauge people on their tone of voice, inflection... and all the non-verbal messages, makes most online conversations feel limited. In turn, the less I feel entitled to share on my end... so things stay surface-based most of the time. It's not a given, but it's the usual theme.

I don't want to inadvertently offend anyone here either, those short conversations mean a lot too if it's our only chance to catch up with someone we really care about knowing is ok. Even with the closest friends, it's just a way to stay connected until you can get together for more.

I enjoy when large groups of friends get together... "the more the merrier", but I prefer a real conversation that won't turn into a circus of everyone waiting to get their word in. I'm turned off by those that are just waiting for the next turn to hear themselves speak. I've done it before, that while someone else is talking I'm just waiting for my chance to throw in my own view. Maybe we all have, and maybe for some it's all they know.

And i don't understand how I can't get through to a deeper level with some friends I really want to, even those I might know them quite well... and others can readily go there with me. I think it goes back to my tendency to be a listener, and not a catalyst of what I value talking about. It has something to do with chemistry. Chances are, if you know me well you also know I don't like to talk about myself unless it's apparent that I have to ;-) Something I'm slowly changing.

But it excites me to no end, when I find someone that's just honestly curious about what you think... or not even that... just glad you're there to share their thoughts with you, and they know you'll value them. And sometimes these friends make the greatest people to just relax with, time to wind down and say nothing at all. Sometimes they'll call just to share the silliest thing that just happened, or show up at your door to have someone to vent, or even cry to.

I kept some of them at bay over the years, for various foolish reasons, and others were just in my life for too short a time. Maybe it's just my own problem, but with those that I know I could be closer friends with, if we start off a certain way, I'm not sure how to get closer when I finally want to.

But I miss those friends, dearly. It didn't even have to be my significant other, but she'll have to be one of them to hold that kinda title anyway.

I wish I had one with me now.

Philosophy, and Transparency

I see the danger in waiting so long between posts, that I sit down to write and realize there's a number of things I have in queue on my mind. Well there's a heck of a lot that goes unsaid here, and I guess that fits in well to a topic that I'll touch on.

Journey Church recently went through a series titled Hungry... for what Matters Most. Have you ever been so hungry, that you stopped eating? That you prayed, without ceasing? The series talks about fasting, and it's amazing what fasting can help you do, not just for the über-spiritual as most think it's only for. I found it ironic that in this time my current church here in NY is touching on the same thing.

I haven't exactly stopped eating... but my hunger is unquenchable in another regard. There's many ways to pray... and it's now unceasing. There's wisdom to be found, and the search gives no rest.

I used to be big on Philosophy. There was even a time I considered it for my major. I realized a while back however, that if I had the time I would pretty much study EVERYTHING. Libraries would be a deathtrap if I didn't constantly fill up my time with responsibilities. But as a growing Christian, I'm coming to see that for myself it's purely academic to pursue studying such greats as Kierkegaard or Kant, in place of the Bible. If the Word of God had already been a priority in my life long ago, I might be more interested in fitting traditional philosophy in. But the bottom line is that of all the philo I've learned, the Bible either holds equivalent truth and far more, or the wisdom found therein is unshakable in contrast. I already revere Jesus as the greatest teacher who ever lived, and that goes without even mentioning the sacrifice he made for us, and the Father that made everything possible. I'm just discussing the pursuit of wisdom, and that wherever I go I am lead back to one source that never fails.

There's an article I'm basically pulling much of my thoughts on John from, here in a moment. I could give it due credit and just copy and paste, as the author is a much better writer than I. But I have my own perspective to mix in.

I find myself often asking why so many people feel the need to put up a facade... why sometimes people are so much better at portraying themselves as someone they're not, rather than just being themselves. I guess I'm confused partly because my philosophy is that if just being myself, and being completely truthful to others isn't good enough, then tough shiznit. I find it insanely easier to have nothing to hide, and let God take care of the rest. Ok so I realize that much of the world doesn't work that way and I would never survive as a used car salesman, but I can live with that.

We all know how hard it is to completely trust someone, especially when our past is marred by situations where trust has failed.

But as souls that were designed for companionship, we all need someone we can be completely vulnerable with. Someone we can fully trust to be exactly what they appear to be. We long to be completely transparent to someone else as well, someone that will be able to handle and understand our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and value them. The struggle between us finding this is a consequence of our sinful condition... the darkness and doubt we live in that keeps us from fully knowing ourselves, let alone others. Consider some verses from John:

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
-John 1:3-5

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
- 1 John 1:5-7

Wow. There's trusting God, and the path to trusting each other in a nutshell. The ignorance and sin apart from the truth, aka God, is darkness. It does not know anything but the lies... the facade.

The less we understand ourselves, the further we are from revealing our true nature to others. The further we are from God, the more toxic we can be to others as well.

The closer we actually walk with God, the greater His light shines on us and through us, and in turn the less darkness there is between us... so we may better be able to help each other grow, when we understand what the other needs.

We may never be able to trust one another as we do God... we can still learn to trust, just imperfectly. But the key here is that we can only have real fellowship with one another through Him, as he is the light of our lives and the light of our relationships with one another. Very recently in my life I have learned this the hard way, that we can not truly understand and find fellowship with one another except through God. I should have listened closer to John long ago, as when he continued this revelation with:

"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11

God can be counted on, completely. There is no "dark side" to God. Unlike those we might have unwisely trusted in our lives, He will not betray our confidence, He will not abandon us, He will not mislead us. Circumstances in life may make it seem like there is a dark side to God... lets not even get into the argument of how such an all-loving God would allow such evil in our lives... but John reminds us that God is life, and light. Evil is the work of Satan.

Speaking of evil, or great failures, Jesus is also known as the savior of great failures. The story of Peter is a story of deep repentance, and of victory over darkness. It's about the changing of a heart, of learning that NONE of us know more than God knows, to never fall into self-reliance. The easiest way Satan can win is to divide and conquer... pretty much what happens when we fail each other, isolate ourselves, and fail in fellowship... the time when it's easiest for us to fall into sin.

I admire Peter greatly in one regard... he let God be God to him. He didn't duck and run when he knew he failed, he took what was coming to him. And in turn he received grace instead. I'll leave the story to another post, as this one has gone on long enough ;-)