Joy, misplaced.

I don't think I've felt joy in over a month.
I'm forgetting what it means to to make a conscious connection between the blessings of my life... what God has given to me... and my heart. It's one thing to know the truth, but completely another to actually live in it.

I'm forgetting what it feels like to smile, or even laugh.

And yet I still know, it's somehow a blessing.

I had to fall for her, completely.
before I could be broken, completely.

I know why it had to happen this way, and why it couldn't happen til now. My joy wasn't in the Lord, first and foremost.

Don't be mistaken... joy isn't happiness. Happiness is about circumstance, and the closest this come to that is the loss of the relationship I had all my hope entrusted to being gone. I lost what I found all my joy in... What made me happy was what I was joyful about. And I didn't add her to the joy I needed before finding her... it was only her in that place. Honestly, I have grown some in faith and in Joy with the Lord, but he wasn't put above all.

At first I didn't understand why I couldn't find strength in what I still have... couldn't find any at all after knowing she was gone for good.

All of the joy in my life eventually shared one constant until now. And this is where happiness comes in, at least. Everything I found happiness in and wanted in my future was either a part of her, a part of us, or very much something associated with her. Until now I had comfort in other areas, i had distractions... my work, my education, many people around me to connect with, and eventually my career path. All of those have been taken away for the time being, and that's why it happened now, when i was at my weakest.

It's made everything I loved in life... from trivial reminders of movies we saw up to the weather I use constantly in aviation... a painful reminder of what I can't carry into tomorrow.

But more importantly, I understand what it really did to our relationship. My joy was focused on her, and her alone... I could never help her grow, or even help myself grow, the more I only became a mirror of her life... in a matter of speaking. It was a natural progression without the guidance of our Lord. We were so frighteningly similar in personality and what we loved in life, that the focus became solely on what we shared, and what we wanted to share in the future. Together we found such energy, and such comfort and hope for connecting in the way we both knew we were brought together to find so long ago. It was... crazybeautiful. But our path could never go forward from there, not in this way.

"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11

I've always felt called to be a leader in turn... after I'd followed those before me, in due time. I had always hoped by now, at almost 26, it would apply to my faith life, possibly a ministry, and in turn for those close to me. To really help transform people's lives in a way they'd need. I spent so much of my time and energy in college with that aim, but in the Res Halls I was so little for so many instead of so much for a few. I needed the relationships that hold you accountable, the relationships that challenge and straighten your path when you go astray. I might have been in a very different place right now if I had found the friendships then that I'm finding now... the ones that are making it so clear that putting the Lord first... finding joy in HIM above all else... not replacing Him with each other, is the only way to build the strongest of companionships.

I wanted to be in a specific place by now, where I'm able to help those who have gone astray, even as i have now. At least I'm finally headed that way.

The Joy that should be for the Lord first, and foremost... was where she was in my heart. We couldn't grow together without our hearts focus being in the right place... so now I'm being called back. We couldn't come to each other except through the Lord, and seeing how others have done so with such joy is making it ever so clear now. I tried coming to her first and the Lord second, and it needed to be the other way around. I couldn't help her grow, or us grow, when all i saw was what she saw. I can't shake the feeling that we were brought together for so much more than what we found, but we never could have found it without letting His guidance show us the way.

I now know how to trust this plan he has for me... I had to be completely broken of my former self first. It took this much sacrifice to bring me back. I might have held out otherwise, as I have before. i just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of losing the chance to grow with the most amazing friend I could ask for, in the years to come... a friend I could very well never even see again, in this life.

I was searching for something given, not found. It was never something I could do on my own, as much as I thought I could. And now I'm completely broken, and hope for nothing more than to be shown what the Lord wants me to be for Him. I may not know joy again for awhile, but the Joy of the Lord is now my strength.