Tomorrow's Another Day

Truth is, I know there's no other way now, and nowhere but forward go. Patience... as I know the miraculous only happens on the Lord's time, and I'm putting all of what i have left into finding trust in His plan, and not mine.

I haven't written our story... so you might not know it yet. But I realized in the midst of all this loss that ironically... and tragically... one thing may have been true that hurt us greatly. Very few strangers come together feeling like they can readily confide anything in each other like we could, all those years ago. Very few instinctively know they'll be able to fully trust like we knew.

It was a foregone conclusion, and an amazing discovery.

But many find a way without any such thing. Many make the choice through perseverance, and build trust and communication the way it's meant to be built: by earning it, and with forgiveness. By making the leap of faith in letting themselves be vulnerable to the other.

So we never went to climb that mountain until it was too late.

We were founded on what we instinctively knew, and rested in the comfort of how incredibly similar we are. The apparent blessing in being so alike gave us few obvious challenges to move forward with... so the baby steps we needed to take weren't made before the big ones came to the forefront of our minds, and our hearts. You can't learn to walk unless you begin with a crawl.

I went so long leaning on what I instinctively felt about us; no matter what we had to go through to be together, we had been designed to find each other and build a life together. I had tried hard at one time to push away my feelings for her... and I realized I was just pushing away who we were. Once I began to see she wasn't giving up either, the frustrations and fears were held in by the confidence in knowing that once life let us settle down in one place together, after school, we could together and with the Lord's guidance break down all that came between us, and finally grow as one. I don't think I need to spell out the folly in my thinking here.

In the back of my mind I always dreamed of a relationship found in the midst of serving the Lord... if that makes any sense... maybe it's just in my head. I just wanted someone who can be stronger in sharing God's love to the world with me, than she could without me (and of course vice versa). I needed to be stronger on my own and trust completely in God first... completely... before that could ever happen. It's pointless to look back and wonder now if it would have happened with her, had I been moving then to where I'm hopefully going now.

Now the curtain's gone down and everyone's gone home... and I'm here in the silence, broken, where I'm at my weakest I pray i can find strength in Him, and build the real friendships I should have made long ago. I'm finding that what I'm seeking now is what I needed after my first graduation, and I just held too much pride and strength in dealing with things MY way. It's time to make things right, once and for all... and pray that the misguided person I was can be left behind. The light of a life I knew had only just begun can do nothing but be laid to rest, and trust that with the years ahead the Lord will use me to bring so much more to His world.

Night

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies,
When love is done.

~F.W. Bourdillon