Purpose

I Miei Pensieri... my thoughts. You didn't think this was going to be a journal of my everyday activities did you? That would almost be more boring than my thoughts. Hey, I gotta keep myself occupied when I'm doing nothing.

Well regardless of the fact that I'm a 7 year college grad working in the Produce department at Wegmans and living at home with family, I'm going somewhere. The question is... where? It's not a question of location, but of dedication and faith. Regardless of whether or not you share the belief that God exists and has a plan for each of us, we all could agree that we serve some purpose in our lives... we all have our roles to play. Heck, even senator McCain plays a role... and as much as he likes to suggest to everyone on the campaign trail, it wasn't just being a POW.

But I'll get to the point. My whole life I've been driven by the desire to find one great thing I could excel at, and get a head start on it to really stand out. We're talking about way back, when I once thought I could go pro with soccer... I knew at 6 yrs old if I could work hard when I was young, I'd set myself ahead of the pack in anything. I thought I could find my purpose then, and wake up every day to tirelessly dedicate myself to it.

Well, as much as I had success in soccer, I wasn't going to be the next Pelé... and the theme continued on through grade school with art, where I was exceedingly good (I don't brag about much, but I had some serious drawing/painting/scultping skillz). But I soon realized why they call them starving artists. It didn't help that I was a geography and spelling prodigy of sorts... LOL where the heck does that take you. I was also very unsure of what I could do with music... as playing the saxophone was a huge passion of mine. Rest in peace, Michael Brecker. (wait til he really gets going around 2:20 in ;-)

So when college came along, I knew one thing... I loved aviation. I won't get into the background, but my grandfather was a WWII pilot. I also loved physics and anything with technical design involved. So where did that take me? Aeronautical Engineering, and Purdue University.

Wait, have I been suggesting that my purpose is what I choose to do for a living? Well that would be nice... but at the moment I'm choosing between Airline Pilot and Air Traffic Controller. However, if things really work out right, I can get things going with an aircraft manufacturer as a demo or production test pilot to start out... the possibility of being involved with the development of new aircraft and still being able to fly would rock. But I'm venturing away from my point again.

One thing has haunted me for years now... purpose. It's been the struggle that every new day of my 26 years, I feel I am further from the answer. My life has been driven by the desire to spend my energy to fulfill my purpose. The dream of getting a head start... obviously gone, but that's not the point anymore. But what the heck do you do when you can't even figure out what you should focus on? Every direction I've head hasn't made me feel as if i'm closer to doing what I now realize is the real aim... glorifying God.

"For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory"
~Romans 11:36

By fulfilling our purpose, we glorify God. It's true that you can bring God glory through worship, loving others, becoming more like Christ, etc... and I strive to fulfill these things in my daily life. But that doesn't change my 9 to 5...

So the most frustrating thing has been what to dedicate myself to... I really feel no calling anymore, other than the deeply ingrained desire to be passionate about what I do, and work tirelessly at it.... WHATEVER THE $&*#(@ THAT IS. At least one thing, one thing at all. And that may have seriously affected the relationship that's become the light of my life, and is now fading into a memory. I felt called to provide for her and for our life together, and now that's gone... every day I woke up knowing even more deeply that I had found the love of my life, the one I wanted to grow with when we could be together in the same place again. That in itself gave me motivation to succeed in any career I went into... even if it wasn't flying.

Now I'm back home with what seems like little faith, as I have such trouble finding strength in knowing that losing what feels like the love of my life isn't the end, that we are here to fulfill His purpose for us... but we need to listen to what He's trying to tell us. I can't find enough strength in His presence in my life yet to conquer the suffocation I feel every waking moment. Ending a relationship I've been building on for my whole adult life is hard enough to bear as it is, but with little drive to get up in the morning and study or work on the things I want to work on... is making everything seem so hopeless, with no light at the end of the tunnel. I need to be preparing for interviews, tests, and being a flight instructor again if needed, but I've lost the drive. I need something... just something... to keep me going, and working at the career i've spent years preparing for. So much has been thrown at me to help... thank God for amazing friends... but nothing is sticking.

Just need something.

There's some priorities now, regardless of purpose... one being to connect with some really good people here to help me challenge myself and grow, most likely through a church and bible study. I had found that in Oklahoma, but I'm back in NY now. I should probably go to bed now as I'm going to a new church in the morning... at least I get an extra hour tonight with daylight savings ;-)

There's a lot to be said for one amazing book, the Purpose Driven Life... it made some significant changes in my psyche when I only found the time to do half of it... perhaps its time to try again, and should it be his will, figure out what I can really pour myself into. I'm not getting any younger.