It's good to see old friends again, like a little Spencerport reunion tonight, and I'm grateful every time we can. Many friends I've seen recently are just starting families, others are in school still and are far from tying the knot, and still others are planning which school to send their little blessings to.
The last two nights have been a reminder of where I'm at now tho, in relation to where I thought I'd be. I might as well write about it briefly.
It's pretty obvious 2008 is turning out drastically different from what I'd envisioned... what I really hoped and prayed for. But it's really just about blazing a new path the best I can now, wherever that might lead, and trusting He'll guide me the right way. Another reminder that things just don't work out the way we want them to.
The Thanksgiving movie choice to see Four Christmases didn't help any more than seeing those around me in real life find a way to come together with kids of their own... helping them grow with joy after the parents were blessed with the same in each others' lives.
I don't want to begin my own family before being ready, I just wonder if I'll ever get my chance at being called Dad. Or maybe i'd prefer Papa, haha. I kinda wanted my kids to remember my grandparents, among other things, and they're not getting any younger. And hey, I kindasortamaybeobviously knew who I wanted their mother to be, right? Just not in the plan. Heck, there's been times I doubted if i'm even supposed to have my own kids. But a lot's changed in recent years. A moment can change a lot too.
Hey, the longer it takes the greater the chance they'll see the 22nd century, right? lol.
But the Lord decides when we're ready, and we just do the best to fulfill the roles we're given when they come.
I guess I'll eventually find out, won't I.
***
Jeremiah 29:11
***
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Gobble Gobble :D
Sure, the turkey is tradition and so is the ensuing drowsy nap after consuming so much food in one sitting... and in my case a good amount of wine and espresso where the espresso wins out, so i'm still hyper 6 hours before I need to head to work in the morning, oops.
While I'm headed to bed, a bunch of my family is at the moment running into the outlet mall for the midnight opening of Black Friday, haha. And that's just the beginning.... wait til the coordianted battle plans begin for the early morning doorbusters. Be thankful if you're standing in line tonight that they're not competing to get the same stuff ;-)
I found myself this year completely uninterested in the consumer rush. Don't get me wrong, I might be crazy to admit it but i enjoy shopping... when I'm with friends. Often I would walk out of a mall without anything for myself unless it was on my list or someone else helped me find it, haha :) But it's just a reminder of how i've changed in recent years, how very little I now care for material things. You can't take them with you, as they say... and I've spent more than enough precious time in my life focused on buying things for myself. Maybe I was just a lot more focused on my own material needs as opposed to those who just love the shopping season because it's an excuse to give others something :).
Even my little endeavors at buying and selling on ebay to help pay for expenses ( you don't get much money in hand as an RA :P) were efficient ways to make a few bucks... but in all reality it just sapped away time I could have used for things I really care about. I had made it an almost addicting habit of checking deal sites... I'm insanely good at finding deals on things now and managing my own finances, but where has that gotten me in life? It's a lot of time I could have been building on the relationships that matter. Now I've got a bunch of things sitting here in my room from this past year that I need to sell, and I have very little motivation to spend time on getting rid of them, haha.
You know, I could sit here and rant about our sadly consumeristic society, and mourn how the real focus of Christmas has been lost by so many, starting on this eve of the Christmas buying season. But you've all heard that before. This crazed flurry of coupons and credit cards does have some silver lining to it, tho. The shopping can bring people together for a little bonding time... in my case family who don't normally see each other much. It might be a natural instinct for some girls out there, lol, but it can be a rarity among guys. I might not have much interest in the black friday deals, feeling like i don't "need" anything, but I'd get to have some fun with them, and my xmas shopping would be done early for once! So I'm actually kinda bummed I have to work in the morning, when it'll be DEAD, cuz who comes to the grocery store the day after thanksgiving.
Maybe I'll ask every customer who walks in the door if they're lost, or if someone stole their leftovers.
I hope everyone reading this had the chance today to spend time with family and/or friends. Of course, we can't be in two places at once, which is often the trouble. I know I've spent a number of my own thanksgiving dinners away from home, but it's always good to give the ones you're away from a call to let them know you are grateful for the blessing they've been in your lives. It doesn't ever have to be on this one designated day of the year either.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
While I'm headed to bed, a bunch of my family is at the moment running into the outlet mall for the midnight opening of Black Friday, haha. And that's just the beginning.... wait til the coordianted battle plans begin for the early morning doorbusters. Be thankful if you're standing in line tonight that they're not competing to get the same stuff ;-)
I found myself this year completely uninterested in the consumer rush. Don't get me wrong, I might be crazy to admit it but i enjoy shopping... when I'm with friends. Often I would walk out of a mall without anything for myself unless it was on my list or someone else helped me find it, haha :) But it's just a reminder of how i've changed in recent years, how very little I now care for material things. You can't take them with you, as they say... and I've spent more than enough precious time in my life focused on buying things for myself. Maybe I was just a lot more focused on my own material needs as opposed to those who just love the shopping season because it's an excuse to give others something :).
Even my little endeavors at buying and selling on ebay to help pay for expenses ( you don't get much money in hand as an RA :P) were efficient ways to make a few bucks... but in all reality it just sapped away time I could have used for things I really care about. I had made it an almost addicting habit of checking deal sites... I'm insanely good at finding deals on things now and managing my own finances, but where has that gotten me in life? It's a lot of time I could have been building on the relationships that matter. Now I've got a bunch of things sitting here in my room from this past year that I need to sell, and I have very little motivation to spend time on getting rid of them, haha.
You know, I could sit here and rant about our sadly consumeristic society, and mourn how the real focus of Christmas has been lost by so many, starting on this eve of the Christmas buying season. But you've all heard that before. This crazed flurry of coupons and credit cards does have some silver lining to it, tho. The shopping can bring people together for a little bonding time... in my case family who don't normally see each other much. It might be a natural instinct for some girls out there, lol, but it can be a rarity among guys. I might not have much interest in the black friday deals, feeling like i don't "need" anything, but I'd get to have some fun with them, and my xmas shopping would be done early for once! So I'm actually kinda bummed I have to work in the morning, when it'll be DEAD, cuz who comes to the grocery store the day after thanksgiving.
Maybe I'll ask every customer who walks in the door if they're lost, or if someone stole their leftovers.
I hope everyone reading this had the chance today to spend time with family and/or friends. Of course, we can't be in two places at once, which is often the trouble. I know I've spent a number of my own thanksgiving dinners away from home, but it's always good to give the ones you're away from a call to let them know you are grateful for the blessing they've been in your lives. It doesn't ever have to be on this one designated day of the year either.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Joy, misplaced.
I don't think I've felt joy in over a month.
I'm forgetting what it means to to make a conscious connection between the blessings of my life... what God has given to me... and my heart. It's one thing to know the truth, but completely another to actually live in it.
I'm forgetting what it feels like to smile, or even laugh.
And yet I still know, it's somehow a blessing.
I had to fall for her, completely.
before I could be broken, completely.
I know why it had to happen this way, and why it couldn't happen til now. My joy wasn't in the Lord, first and foremost.
Don't be mistaken... joy isn't happiness. Happiness is about circumstance, and the closest this come to that is the loss of the relationship I had all my hope entrusted to being gone. I lost what I found all my joy in... What made me happy was what I was joyful about. And I didn't add her to the joy I needed before finding her... it was only her in that place. Honestly, I have grown some in faith and in Joy with the Lord, but he wasn't put above all.
At first I didn't understand why I couldn't find strength in what I still have... couldn't find any at all after knowing she was gone for good.
All of the joy in my life eventually shared one constant until now. And this is where happiness comes in, at least. Everything I found happiness in and wanted in my future was either a part of her, a part of us, or very much something associated with her. Until now I had comfort in other areas, i had distractions... my work, my education, many people around me to connect with, and eventually my career path. All of those have been taken away for the time being, and that's why it happened now, when i was at my weakest.
It's made everything I loved in life... from trivial reminders of movies we saw up to the weather I use constantly in aviation... a painful reminder of what I can't carry into tomorrow.
But more importantly, I understand what it really did to our relationship. My joy was focused on her, and her alone... I could never help her grow, or even help myself grow, the more I only became a mirror of her life... in a matter of speaking. It was a natural progression without the guidance of our Lord. We were so frighteningly similar in personality and what we loved in life, that the focus became solely on what we shared, and what we wanted to share in the future. Together we found such energy, and such comfort and hope for connecting in the way we both knew we were brought together to find so long ago. It was... crazybeautiful. But our path could never go forward from there, not in this way.
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
I've always felt called to be a leader in turn... after I'd followed those before me, in due time. I had always hoped by now, at almost 26, it would apply to my faith life, possibly a ministry, and in turn for those close to me. To really help transform people's lives in a way they'd need. I spent so much of my time and energy in college with that aim, but in the Res Halls I was so little for so many instead of so much for a few. I needed the relationships that hold you accountable, the relationships that challenge and straighten your path when you go astray. I might have been in a very different place right now if I had found the friendships then that I'm finding now... the ones that are making it so clear that putting the Lord first... finding joy in HIM above all else... not replacing Him with each other, is the only way to build the strongest of companionships.
I wanted to be in a specific place by now, where I'm able to help those who have gone astray, even as i have now. At least I'm finally headed that way.
The Joy that should be for the Lord first, and foremost... was where she was in my heart. We couldn't grow together without our hearts focus being in the right place... so now I'm being called back. We couldn't come to each other except through the Lord, and seeing how others have done so with such joy is making it ever so clear now. I tried coming to her first and the Lord second, and it needed to be the other way around. I couldn't help her grow, or us grow, when all i saw was what she saw. I can't shake the feeling that we were brought together for so much more than what we found, but we never could have found it without letting His guidance show us the way.
I now know how to trust this plan he has for me... I had to be completely broken of my former self first. It took this much sacrifice to bring me back. I might have held out otherwise, as I have before. i just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of losing the chance to grow with the most amazing friend I could ask for, in the years to come... a friend I could very well never even see again, in this life.
I was searching for something given, not found. It was never something I could do on my own, as much as I thought I could. And now I'm completely broken, and hope for nothing more than to be shown what the Lord wants me to be for Him. I may not know joy again for awhile, but the Joy of the Lord is now my strength.
I'm forgetting what it means to to make a conscious connection between the blessings of my life... what God has given to me... and my heart. It's one thing to know the truth, but completely another to actually live in it.
I'm forgetting what it feels like to smile, or even laugh.
And yet I still know, it's somehow a blessing.
I had to fall for her, completely.
before I could be broken, completely.
I know why it had to happen this way, and why it couldn't happen til now. My joy wasn't in the Lord, first and foremost.
Don't be mistaken... joy isn't happiness. Happiness is about circumstance, and the closest this come to that is the loss of the relationship I had all my hope entrusted to being gone. I lost what I found all my joy in... What made me happy was what I was joyful about. And I didn't add her to the joy I needed before finding her... it was only her in that place. Honestly, I have grown some in faith and in Joy with the Lord, but he wasn't put above all.
At first I didn't understand why I couldn't find strength in what I still have... couldn't find any at all after knowing she was gone for good.
All of the joy in my life eventually shared one constant until now. And this is where happiness comes in, at least. Everything I found happiness in and wanted in my future was either a part of her, a part of us, or very much something associated with her. Until now I had comfort in other areas, i had distractions... my work, my education, many people around me to connect with, and eventually my career path. All of those have been taken away for the time being, and that's why it happened now, when i was at my weakest.
It's made everything I loved in life... from trivial reminders of movies we saw up to the weather I use constantly in aviation... a painful reminder of what I can't carry into tomorrow.
But more importantly, I understand what it really did to our relationship. My joy was focused on her, and her alone... I could never help her grow, or even help myself grow, the more I only became a mirror of her life... in a matter of speaking. It was a natural progression without the guidance of our Lord. We were so frighteningly similar in personality and what we loved in life, that the focus became solely on what we shared, and what we wanted to share in the future. Together we found such energy, and such comfort and hope for connecting in the way we both knew we were brought together to find so long ago. It was... crazybeautiful. But our path could never go forward from there, not in this way.
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
I've always felt called to be a leader in turn... after I'd followed those before me, in due time. I had always hoped by now, at almost 26, it would apply to my faith life, possibly a ministry, and in turn for those close to me. To really help transform people's lives in a way they'd need. I spent so much of my time and energy in college with that aim, but in the Res Halls I was so little for so many instead of so much for a few. I needed the relationships that hold you accountable, the relationships that challenge and straighten your path when you go astray. I might have been in a very different place right now if I had found the friendships then that I'm finding now... the ones that are making it so clear that putting the Lord first... finding joy in HIM above all else... not replacing Him with each other, is the only way to build the strongest of companionships.
I wanted to be in a specific place by now, where I'm able to help those who have gone astray, even as i have now. At least I'm finally headed that way.
The Joy that should be for the Lord first, and foremost... was where she was in my heart. We couldn't grow together without our hearts focus being in the right place... so now I'm being called back. We couldn't come to each other except through the Lord, and seeing how others have done so with such joy is making it ever so clear now. I tried coming to her first and the Lord second, and it needed to be the other way around. I couldn't help her grow, or us grow, when all i saw was what she saw. I can't shake the feeling that we were brought together for so much more than what we found, but we never could have found it without letting His guidance show us the way.
I now know how to trust this plan he has for me... I had to be completely broken of my former self first. It took this much sacrifice to bring me back. I might have held out otherwise, as I have before. i just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of losing the chance to grow with the most amazing friend I could ask for, in the years to come... a friend I could very well never even see again, in this life.
I was searching for something given, not found. It was never something I could do on my own, as much as I thought I could. And now I'm completely broken, and hope for nothing more than to be shown what the Lord wants me to be for Him. I may not know joy again for awhile, but the Joy of the Lord is now my strength.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Musical Rewind
There was a time in my life (pretty much all of grade school) when music was a close second to the passion of mine in soccer... and considering there were periods I played 7 days a week and on 3 teams at once (+ running track)... not to mention a couple tournaments halfway around the world, i'd call that pretty serious.
Honestly tho, if I had put the time I spent on sports into my studies as a musician, I'd probably be a music teacher right now. It wasn't a question of what I enjoyed most, just priorities I set.
Remember those tests in junior/senior year that supposedly narrow down your aptitude/career choices? Little surprise when they came back saying I should be a composer, hahaha. How the heck do y ou determine that??? We all know those tests are skewed anyway by the sheer reality that we answer questions with certain aims in mind... kinda like how we try to answer political survey/test questions without regard to related subject biases.
But the result merits some thought, actually. At one time I was actually really excited at the thought of writing my own music. When I got to music theory (senior year of HS), life circumstances at that particular point had suddenly put me in a pretty craptastic state of mind... unable to focus enough to actually compose anything with the most basic knowledge in composition to boot. It was no coincidence that I dropped my grades significantly the last 6 months either.... good thing my path to Purdue was already set.
In all reality, the decision to move away from music was based on my fear of not being a good teacher. Ironically, I eventually chose to be a pilot... and becoming one basically requires teaching experience, LOL. I've done a pretty good job with my students so far, and so that fear was laid to rest. So what if I had stuck with music? I'm really not going to sit here and regret that I haven't played my Sax since freshman year in Purdue's Concert and Symphonic Bands, but since then I did the same thing to music as i did with art... I just set it aside when other things became more important. Also a twist of irony... my final performance as a musician was directed by composer David R. Holsinger. It was quite inspiring :)
There's a big difference from just being a talented musician/music teacher to being a composer. Quite frankly, there's nothing to say I would have been any better at it than anyone else... for any musician reading this you know just the idea of it is out in left field, haha.
Recent events have messed with my brain however, in that the constant soundtrack of music playing in my head is just too painful to not mute. You can call them the voices in my head... they just happen to be singing instead of talking, and with a strikingly similar tone to music you might have heard. Anyway, the silence flipped some switch in my head, where I have this poignant urge to play again, and melodies i'd never heard randomly form in my head... wishing I could write them down, and at the very least play them on guitar. I'll stop short at the singing... nobody wants to hear me there ;-) It's just odd... i haven't had this kinda thing happen much since high school, when I was still anticipating the point where I could write.
I should have taken up guitar... there's not much sax playing in my head. But there's a lot of stuff I wish I could send to the Goo Goo Dolls, LOL. j/k. The music i live in tends to be 90s rock and a lot of random Christian music. So I guess I would have done better in a garage band back in the day.
I would have loved nothing more than to be in an instrumental music group at church. It always bugged me that I couldn't. I sang in choir a lot, even through college, but nowhere could I play an instrument. It always cracks me up tho, at the number of guitars that show up to play in comparison to everyone else. I'm pretty sure I'd play Bass guitar... and sing if I had the voice. I've always loved worship through song. And man, if I only had gotten to the point where I could write my own.
Hey, maybe I'll pick up a Bass someday soon... :D
Honestly tho, if I had put the time I spent on sports into my studies as a musician, I'd probably be a music teacher right now. It wasn't a question of what I enjoyed most, just priorities I set.
Remember those tests in junior/senior year that supposedly narrow down your aptitude/career choices? Little surprise when they came back saying I should be a composer, hahaha. How the heck do y ou determine that??? We all know those tests are skewed anyway by the sheer reality that we answer questions with certain aims in mind... kinda like how we try to answer political survey/test questions without regard to related subject biases.
But the result merits some thought, actually. At one time I was actually really excited at the thought of writing my own music. When I got to music theory (senior year of HS), life circumstances at that particular point had suddenly put me in a pretty craptastic state of mind... unable to focus enough to actually compose anything with the most basic knowledge in composition to boot. It was no coincidence that I dropped my grades significantly the last 6 months either.... good thing my path to Purdue was already set.
In all reality, the decision to move away from music was based on my fear of not being a good teacher. Ironically, I eventually chose to be a pilot... and becoming one basically requires teaching experience, LOL. I've done a pretty good job with my students so far, and so that fear was laid to rest. So what if I had stuck with music? I'm really not going to sit here and regret that I haven't played my Sax since freshman year in Purdue's Concert and Symphonic Bands, but since then I did the same thing to music as i did with art... I just set it aside when other things became more important. Also a twist of irony... my final performance as a musician was directed by composer David R. Holsinger. It was quite inspiring :)
There's a big difference from just being a talented musician/music teacher to being a composer. Quite frankly, there's nothing to say I would have been any better at it than anyone else... for any musician reading this you know just the idea of it is out in left field, haha.
Recent events have messed with my brain however, in that the constant soundtrack of music playing in my head is just too painful to not mute. You can call them the voices in my head... they just happen to be singing instead of talking, and with a strikingly similar tone to music you might have heard. Anyway, the silence flipped some switch in my head, where I have this poignant urge to play again, and melodies i'd never heard randomly form in my head... wishing I could write them down, and at the very least play them on guitar. I'll stop short at the singing... nobody wants to hear me there ;-) It's just odd... i haven't had this kinda thing happen much since high school, when I was still anticipating the point where I could write.
I should have taken up guitar... there's not much sax playing in my head. But there's a lot of stuff I wish I could send to the Goo Goo Dolls, LOL. j/k. The music i live in tends to be 90s rock and a lot of random Christian music. So I guess I would have done better in a garage band back in the day.
I would have loved nothing more than to be in an instrumental music group at church. It always bugged me that I couldn't. I sang in choir a lot, even through college, but nowhere could I play an instrument. It always cracks me up tho, at the number of guitars that show up to play in comparison to everyone else. I'm pretty sure I'd play Bass guitar... and sing if I had the voice. I've always loved worship through song. And man, if I only had gotten to the point where I could write my own.
Hey, maybe I'll pick up a Bass someday soon... :D
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tomorrow's Another Day
Truth is, I know there's no other way now, and nowhere but forward go. Patience... as I know the miraculous only happens on the Lord's time, and I'm putting all of what i have left into finding trust in His plan, and not mine.
I haven't written our story... so you might not know it yet. But I realized in the midst of all this loss that ironically... and tragically... one thing may have been true that hurt us greatly. Very few strangers come together feeling like they can readily confide anything in each other like we could, all those years ago. Very few instinctively know they'll be able to fully trust like we knew.
It was a foregone conclusion, and an amazing discovery.
But many find a way without any such thing. Many make the choice through perseverance, and build trust and communication the way it's meant to be built: by earning it, and with forgiveness. By making the leap of faith in letting themselves be vulnerable to the other.
So we never went to climb that mountain until it was too late.
We were founded on what we instinctively knew, and rested in the comfort of how incredibly similar we are. The apparent blessing in being so alike gave us few obvious challenges to move forward with... so the baby steps we needed to take weren't made before the big ones came to the forefront of our minds, and our hearts. You can't learn to walk unless you begin with a crawl.
I went so long leaning on what I instinctively felt about us; no matter what we had to go through to be together, we had been designed to find each other and build a life together. I had tried hard at one time to push away my feelings for her... and I realized I was just pushing away who we were. Once I began to see she wasn't giving up either, the frustrations and fears were held in by the confidence in knowing that once life let us settle down in one place together, after school, we could together and with the Lord's guidance break down all that came between us, and finally grow as one. I don't think I need to spell out the folly in my thinking here.
In the back of my mind I always dreamed of a relationship found in the midst of serving the Lord... if that makes any sense... maybe it's just in my head. I just wanted someone who can be stronger in sharing God's love to the world with me, than she could without me (and of course vice versa). I needed to be stronger on my own and trust completely in God first... completely... before that could ever happen. It's pointless to look back and wonder now if it would have happened with her, had I been moving then to where I'm hopefully going now.
Now the curtain's gone down and everyone's gone home... and I'm here in the silence, broken, where I'm at my weakest I pray i can find strength in Him, and build the real friendships I should have made long ago. I'm finding that what I'm seeking now is what I needed after my first graduation, and I just held too much pride and strength in dealing with things MY way. It's time to make things right, once and for all... and pray that the misguided person I was can be left behind. The light of a life I knew had only just begun can do nothing but be laid to rest, and trust that with the years ahead the Lord will use me to bring so much more to His world.
Night
The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies,
When love is done.
~F.W. Bourdillon
I haven't written our story... so you might not know it yet. But I realized in the midst of all this loss that ironically... and tragically... one thing may have been true that hurt us greatly. Very few strangers come together feeling like they can readily confide anything in each other like we could, all those years ago. Very few instinctively know they'll be able to fully trust like we knew.
It was a foregone conclusion, and an amazing discovery.
But many find a way without any such thing. Many make the choice through perseverance, and build trust and communication the way it's meant to be built: by earning it, and with forgiveness. By making the leap of faith in letting themselves be vulnerable to the other.
So we never went to climb that mountain until it was too late.
We were founded on what we instinctively knew, and rested in the comfort of how incredibly similar we are. The apparent blessing in being so alike gave us few obvious challenges to move forward with... so the baby steps we needed to take weren't made before the big ones came to the forefront of our minds, and our hearts. You can't learn to walk unless you begin with a crawl.
I went so long leaning on what I instinctively felt about us; no matter what we had to go through to be together, we had been designed to find each other and build a life together. I had tried hard at one time to push away my feelings for her... and I realized I was just pushing away who we were. Once I began to see she wasn't giving up either, the frustrations and fears were held in by the confidence in knowing that once life let us settle down in one place together, after school, we could together and with the Lord's guidance break down all that came between us, and finally grow as one. I don't think I need to spell out the folly in my thinking here.
In the back of my mind I always dreamed of a relationship found in the midst of serving the Lord... if that makes any sense... maybe it's just in my head. I just wanted someone who can be stronger in sharing God's love to the world with me, than she could without me (and of course vice versa). I needed to be stronger on my own and trust completely in God first... completely... before that could ever happen. It's pointless to look back and wonder now if it would have happened with her, had I been moving then to where I'm hopefully going now.
Now the curtain's gone down and everyone's gone home... and I'm here in the silence, broken, where I'm at my weakest I pray i can find strength in Him, and build the real friendships I should have made long ago. I'm finding that what I'm seeking now is what I needed after my first graduation, and I just held too much pride and strength in dealing with things MY way. It's time to make things right, once and for all... and pray that the misguided person I was can be left behind. The light of a life I knew had only just begun can do nothing but be laid to rest, and trust that with the years ahead the Lord will use me to bring so much more to His world.
Night
The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies,
When love is done.
~F.W. Bourdillon
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I'll Remember... <33
7 years ago today... somewhere, in a church...
kindred souls
floating on this lonely sea
currents once carried them
arrival upon a shore meant to be
salt stung their eyes
and dried without cleansing rain
but they stepped onto glistening sand
and in focus the other came
earthly impressions left behind
distanced with growing pace
as strength was found
for a running embrace
in twilight he found her
as darkness faded away
no matter where they'd venture
companions from this fateful day
upon sands the journey began
and while blessed with love profound
foundations can only endure
when moved to higher ground
while gazing upon the mountain
only together could they climb
waves crashed about them
no true footing found in time
divided the waters brought them
with rising tide the Lord had spoken
"Let me guide you along this course"
testing trust of children broken
days will pass
weeks turn to years
but taking His hand we'll grow
and find purpose to our tears
the best days of my life
were seen through both our eyes
together we found joy
and blessings in disguise
while often blind we'd tread
no straight path followed through
my eyes weren't open to see
until I met you.
11/11/01
kindred souls
floating on this lonely sea
currents once carried them
arrival upon a shore meant to be
salt stung their eyes
and dried without cleansing rain
but they stepped onto glistening sand
and in focus the other came
earthly impressions left behind
distanced with growing pace
as strength was found
for a running embrace
in twilight he found her
as darkness faded away
no matter where they'd venture
companions from this fateful day
upon sands the journey began
and while blessed with love profound
foundations can only endure
when moved to higher ground
while gazing upon the mountain
only together could they climb
waves crashed about them
no true footing found in time
divided the waters brought them
with rising tide the Lord had spoken
"Let me guide you along this course"
testing trust of children broken
days will pass
weeks turn to years
but taking His hand we'll grow
and find purpose to our tears
the best days of my life
were seen through both our eyes
together we found joy
and blessings in disguise
while often blind we'd tread
no straight path followed through
my eyes weren't open to see
until I met you.
11/11/01
Monday, November 03, 2008
Perseverance, and a little timing :-)
For many a summer I've been back home, I passed by the construction and now thriving congregation that is Lakeshore Community Church on Latta Rd, on my way to work. As i stepped into the worship area for the first time this past Sunday, it felt a lot like a mini-Journey Church back in Norman... I was hopeful.
Speaking of Journey, I'll probably reference them a lot in my posts... simply the most amazing place to grow and truly be transformed through Christ that I've ever been in. If someday I have the chance, I may find myself in OKC for a career strictly on the fact that I can be a part of that community... so much potential. If you have the time... I HIGHLY SUGGEST just sitting down and listening to some of Pastor Clark's messages @ their ==> website <== Click on "I want to watch messages"... and start with the "Our House" series if anything. Give him some time to warm up and a few sessions to see where he's going. Maybe this is just what I need and everyone's different... but their mission to truly transform a city, one life at a time, is far from impossible. They're no mega church... but they average 400 new members a year. That in itself should say something about what's being done. You won't get what makes the community so special from just their website, but at least a glimpse into how the Lord is truly working through the messages being given. So what about Lakeshore CC? I began with that earlier in this post's life. God speaks to us in funny ways sometimes. The first time I walked into Journey, the worship began with Todd Agnew's Grace Like Rain... the song had been playing through me constantly in the weeks before, without much in the way of significance, or so it seemed. So the very first message given at Lakeshore this past sunday was the scripture you see in Italian on my header pic above.... Proverbs 3:5-6. These lines alone have hit me hard in the past weeks, but I'll leave it at telling you that this has been the one message of immense truth in shaping the direction of my thinking... and in the ways I've fallen short. So I think God was trying to tell me that I had walked in at the right time.
Any doubt about this was put to rest with the message given that service. It was honestly hard not to compare things to Journey and be doubtful that it's what I need, but the message was part of the "Finishing Well" series (appropriately timed in my life :P) titled "Perseverance Pays". I'm not here to give cliff notes on the services I attend, but there's some powerful messages given when I need them most. I don't remember how Pastor DiPaola put it, but basically the mark of the most admirable of people are those who persevere through all doubt and hindrance, with the resolve to still trust in God and be joyful no matter what. Attitude is not about circumstance. It's easy to be joyous when everything's peachy. Joy, my friends... is not happiness... I guess I should tell you to go listen to Journey's series titled "if..." now, "if" you could make the time ;-)
I realize that people in many different walks of life may read this, so I understand putting all your trust in God just might not be your thing. I'm not pushing anything here, far from it. Hey, I can't stand the way some "religious" people choose to spread the word of God to others either... bait and switch, fearmongering, standing out in the middle of Purdue's campus with a megaphone preaching how everyone's going to Hell unless they repent... yeah that was funny back in the day. I'm just personally excited about how the Lord is trying to work his way into my life, and should you want to listen, I appreciate it :) I'll probably have a post soon enough on one very important thing that many people just don't seem to get... the best way to get a message across is to LIVE IT, and let others follow if they wish. Jesus didn't say one thing and do another, or force people to follow him... the best way to convince someone of something is to demonstrate it in your own life.
Perseverance. While I haven't spoken much about it here, I'll just say I'm being tested right now in many ways, and I intend to be single-minded in my determination. I need to see the tests as a blessing, in that they're helping me grow. I may suffer, but I will not waver from my course.
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
-James 1:5-8
EDIT: Added below!
So I barely finished with this one when i realized I had left out the whole second half of my exciting sunday. Well, I spent a lot of time @ Nonno and Nonna's that afternoon with my relatives from Buffalo, before I came home to get ready for Soccer that night.
I had been praying for the chance to find a place here at home where I could grow with others my age, and really connect in ways I hadn't throughout college. Most of my friends have booked out of town for their careers- not surprising given the lack of opportunities around here. I have a variety of reasons that I want to start now... one simply being that after all this time putting it off... why any longer?
When I returned from Oklahoma, I luckily ran into a soccer coach/father of a teammate back in HS. After mentioning that I hadn't been able to find a place soccer to play at home, he just so happened to have a spot on his Rec team open.... good timing eh? Well I didn't realize I would also run into others that I knew when I got to our first game yesterday. (fyi I came back extremely sore, but uninjured... whew :) It seems that there's still a group of guys among them who are very active in their faith, and I'm more than welcome to join them in their bible study and worship in Brockport :D. I knew they were strong Christians back in HS, but I hadn't made the connections yet. Now is a good a time as any... and this may or may not be an awesome start :D
For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.
-Matthew 18:20
Speaking of Journey, I'll probably reference them a lot in my posts... simply the most amazing place to grow and truly be transformed through Christ that I've ever been in. If someday I have the chance, I may find myself in OKC for a career strictly on the fact that I can be a part of that community... so much potential. If you have the time... I HIGHLY SUGGEST just sitting down and listening to some of Pastor Clark's messages @ their ==> website <== Click on "I want to watch messages"... and start with the "Our House" series if anything. Give him some time to warm up and a few sessions to see where he's going. Maybe this is just what I need and everyone's different... but their mission to truly transform a city, one life at a time, is far from impossible. They're no mega church... but they average 400 new members a year. That in itself should say something about what's being done. You won't get what makes the community so special from just their website, but at least a glimpse into how the Lord is truly working through the messages being given. So what about Lakeshore CC? I began with that earlier in this post's life. God speaks to us in funny ways sometimes. The first time I walked into Journey, the worship began with Todd Agnew's Grace Like Rain... the song had been playing through me constantly in the weeks before, without much in the way of significance, or so it seemed. So the very first message given at Lakeshore this past sunday was the scripture you see in Italian on my header pic above.... Proverbs 3:5-6. These lines alone have hit me hard in the past weeks, but I'll leave it at telling you that this has been the one message of immense truth in shaping the direction of my thinking... and in the ways I've fallen short. So I think God was trying to tell me that I had walked in at the right time.
Any doubt about this was put to rest with the message given that service. It was honestly hard not to compare things to Journey and be doubtful that it's what I need, but the message was part of the "Finishing Well" series (appropriately timed in my life :P) titled "Perseverance Pays". I'm not here to give cliff notes on the services I attend, but there's some powerful messages given when I need them most. I don't remember how Pastor DiPaola put it, but basically the mark of the most admirable of people are those who persevere through all doubt and hindrance, with the resolve to still trust in God and be joyful no matter what. Attitude is not about circumstance. It's easy to be joyous when everything's peachy. Joy, my friends... is not happiness... I guess I should tell you to go listen to Journey's series titled "if..." now, "if" you could make the time ;-)
I realize that people in many different walks of life may read this, so I understand putting all your trust in God just might not be your thing. I'm not pushing anything here, far from it. Hey, I can't stand the way some "religious" people choose to spread the word of God to others either... bait and switch, fearmongering, standing out in the middle of Purdue's campus with a megaphone preaching how everyone's going to Hell unless they repent... yeah that was funny back in the day. I'm just personally excited about how the Lord is trying to work his way into my life, and should you want to listen, I appreciate it :) I'll probably have a post soon enough on one very important thing that many people just don't seem to get... the best way to get a message across is to LIVE IT, and let others follow if they wish. Jesus didn't say one thing and do another, or force people to follow him... the best way to convince someone of something is to demonstrate it in your own life.
Perseverance. While I haven't spoken much about it here, I'll just say I'm being tested right now in many ways, and I intend to be single-minded in my determination. I need to see the tests as a blessing, in that they're helping me grow. I may suffer, but I will not waver from my course.
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
-James 1:5-8
EDIT: Added below!
So I barely finished with this one when i realized I had left out the whole second half of my exciting sunday. Well, I spent a lot of time @ Nonno and Nonna's that afternoon with my relatives from Buffalo, before I came home to get ready for Soccer that night.
I had been praying for the chance to find a place here at home where I could grow with others my age, and really connect in ways I hadn't throughout college. Most of my friends have booked out of town for their careers- not surprising given the lack of opportunities around here. I have a variety of reasons that I want to start now... one simply being that after all this time putting it off... why any longer?
When I returned from Oklahoma, I luckily ran into a soccer coach/father of a teammate back in HS. After mentioning that I hadn't been able to find a place soccer to play at home, he just so happened to have a spot on his Rec team open.... good timing eh? Well I didn't realize I would also run into others that I knew when I got to our first game yesterday. (fyi I came back extremely sore, but uninjured... whew :) It seems that there's still a group of guys among them who are very active in their faith, and I'm more than welcome to join them in their bible study and worship in Brockport :D. I knew they were strong Christians back in HS, but I hadn't made the connections yet. Now is a good a time as any... and this may or may not be an awesome start :D
For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.
-Matthew 18:20
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Purpose
I Miei Pensieri... my thoughts. You didn't think this was going to be a journal of my everyday activities did you? That would almost be more boring than my thoughts. Hey, I gotta keep myself occupied when I'm doing nothing.
Well regardless of the fact that I'm a 7 year college grad working in the Produce department at Wegmans and living at home with family, I'm going somewhere. The question is... where? It's not a question of location, but of dedication and faith. Regardless of whether or not you share the belief that God exists and has a plan for each of us, we all could agree that we serve some purpose in our lives... we all have our roles to play. Heck, even senator McCain plays a role... and as much as he likes to suggest to everyone on the campaign trail, it wasn't just being a POW.
But I'll get to the point. My whole life I've been driven by the desire to find one great thing I could excel at, and get a head start on it to really stand out. We're talking about way back, when I once thought I could go pro with soccer... I knew at 6 yrs old if I could work hard when I was young, I'd set myself ahead of the pack in anything. I thought I could find my purpose then, and wake up every day to tirelessly dedicate myself to it.
Well, as much as I had success in soccer, I wasn't going to be the next Pelé... and the theme continued on through grade school with art, where I was exceedingly good (I don't brag about much, but I had some serious drawing/painting/scultping skillz). But I soon realized why they call them starving artists. It didn't help that I was a geography and spelling prodigy of sorts... LOL where the heck does that take you. I was also very unsure of what I could do with music... as playing the saxophone was a huge passion of mine. Rest in peace, Michael Brecker. (wait til he really gets going around 2:20 in ;-)
So when college came along, I knew one thing... I loved aviation. I won't get into the background, but my grandfather was a WWII pilot. I also loved physics and anything with technical design involved. So where did that take me? Aeronautical Engineering, and Purdue University.
Wait, have I been suggesting that my purpose is what I choose to do for a living? Well that would be nice... but at the moment I'm choosing between Airline Pilot and Air Traffic Controller. However, if things really work out right, I can get things going with an aircraft manufacturer as a demo or production test pilot to start out... the possibility of being involved with the development of new aircraft and still being able to fly would rock. But I'm venturing away from my point again.
One thing has haunted me for years now... purpose. It's been the struggle that every new day of my 26 years, I feel I am further from the answer. My life has been driven by the desire to spend my energy to fulfill my purpose. The dream of getting a head start... obviously gone, but that's not the point anymore. But what the heck do you do when you can't even figure out what you should focus on? Every direction I've head hasn't made me feel as if i'm closer to doing what I now realize is the real aim... glorifying God.
"For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory"
~Romans 11:36
By fulfilling our purpose, we glorify God. It's true that you can bring God glory through worship, loving others, becoming more like Christ, etc... and I strive to fulfill these things in my daily life. But that doesn't change my 9 to 5...
So the most frustrating thing has been what to dedicate myself to... I really feel no calling anymore, other than the deeply ingrained desire to be passionate about what I do, and work tirelessly at it.... WHATEVER THE $&*#(@ THAT IS. At least one thing, one thing at all. And that may have seriously affected the relationship that's become the light of my life, and is now fading into a memory. I felt called to provide for her and for our life together, and now that's gone... every day I woke up knowing even more deeply that I had found the love of my life, the one I wanted to grow with when we could be together in the same place again. That in itself gave me motivation to succeed in any career I went into... even if it wasn't flying.
Now I'm back home with what seems like little faith, as I have such trouble finding strength in knowing that losing what feels like the love of my life isn't the end, that we are here to fulfill His purpose for us... but we need to listen to what He's trying to tell us. I can't find enough strength in His presence in my life yet to conquer the suffocation I feel every waking moment. Ending a relationship I've been building on for my whole adult life is hard enough to bear as it is, but with little drive to get up in the morning and study or work on the things I want to work on... is making everything seem so hopeless, with no light at the end of the tunnel. I need to be preparing for interviews, tests, and being a flight instructor again if needed, but I've lost the drive. I need something... just something... to keep me going, and working at the career i've spent years preparing for. So much has been thrown at me to help... thank God for amazing friends... but nothing is sticking.
Just need something.
There's some priorities now, regardless of purpose... one being to connect with some really good people here to help me challenge myself and grow, most likely through a church and bible study. I had found that in Oklahoma, but I'm back in NY now. I should probably go to bed now as I'm going to a new church in the morning... at least I get an extra hour tonight with daylight savings ;-)
There's a lot to be said for one amazing book, the Purpose Driven Life... it made some significant changes in my psyche when I only found the time to do half of it... perhaps its time to try again, and should it be his will, figure out what I can really pour myself into. I'm not getting any younger.
Well regardless of the fact that I'm a 7 year college grad working in the Produce department at Wegmans and living at home with family, I'm going somewhere. The question is... where? It's not a question of location, but of dedication and faith. Regardless of whether or not you share the belief that God exists and has a plan for each of us, we all could agree that we serve some purpose in our lives... we all have our roles to play. Heck, even senator McCain plays a role... and as much as he likes to suggest to everyone on the campaign trail, it wasn't just being a POW.
But I'll get to the point. My whole life I've been driven by the desire to find one great thing I could excel at, and get a head start on it to really stand out. We're talking about way back, when I once thought I could go pro with soccer... I knew at 6 yrs old if I could work hard when I was young, I'd set myself ahead of the pack in anything. I thought I could find my purpose then, and wake up every day to tirelessly dedicate myself to it.
Well, as much as I had success in soccer, I wasn't going to be the next Pelé... and the theme continued on through grade school with art, where I was exceedingly good (I don't brag about much, but I had some serious drawing/painting/scultping skillz). But I soon realized why they call them starving artists. It didn't help that I was a geography and spelling prodigy of sorts... LOL where the heck does that take you. I was also very unsure of what I could do with music... as playing the saxophone was a huge passion of mine. Rest in peace, Michael Brecker. (wait til he really gets going around 2:20 in ;-)
So when college came along, I knew one thing... I loved aviation. I won't get into the background, but my grandfather was a WWII pilot. I also loved physics and anything with technical design involved. So where did that take me? Aeronautical Engineering, and Purdue University.
Wait, have I been suggesting that my purpose is what I choose to do for a living? Well that would be nice... but at the moment I'm choosing between Airline Pilot and Air Traffic Controller. However, if things really work out right, I can get things going with an aircraft manufacturer as a demo or production test pilot to start out... the possibility of being involved with the development of new aircraft and still being able to fly would rock. But I'm venturing away from my point again.
One thing has haunted me for years now... purpose. It's been the struggle that every new day of my 26 years, I feel I am further from the answer. My life has been driven by the desire to spend my energy to fulfill my purpose. The dream of getting a head start... obviously gone, but that's not the point anymore. But what the heck do you do when you can't even figure out what you should focus on? Every direction I've head hasn't made me feel as if i'm closer to doing what I now realize is the real aim... glorifying God.
"For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory"
~Romans 11:36
By fulfilling our purpose, we glorify God. It's true that you can bring God glory through worship, loving others, becoming more like Christ, etc... and I strive to fulfill these things in my daily life. But that doesn't change my 9 to 5...
So the most frustrating thing has been what to dedicate myself to... I really feel no calling anymore, other than the deeply ingrained desire to be passionate about what I do, and work tirelessly at it.... WHATEVER THE $&*#(@ THAT IS. At least one thing, one thing at all. And that may have seriously affected the relationship that's become the light of my life, and is now fading into a memory. I felt called to provide for her and for our life together, and now that's gone... every day I woke up knowing even more deeply that I had found the love of my life, the one I wanted to grow with when we could be together in the same place again. That in itself gave me motivation to succeed in any career I went into... even if it wasn't flying.
Now I'm back home with what seems like little faith, as I have such trouble finding strength in knowing that losing what feels like the love of my life isn't the end, that we are here to fulfill His purpose for us... but we need to listen to what He's trying to tell us. I can't find enough strength in His presence in my life yet to conquer the suffocation I feel every waking moment. Ending a relationship I've been building on for my whole adult life is hard enough to bear as it is, but with little drive to get up in the morning and study or work on the things I want to work on... is making everything seem so hopeless, with no light at the end of the tunnel. I need to be preparing for interviews, tests, and being a flight instructor again if needed, but I've lost the drive. I need something... just something... to keep me going, and working at the career i've spent years preparing for. So much has been thrown at me to help... thank God for amazing friends... but nothing is sticking.
Just need something.
There's some priorities now, regardless of purpose... one being to connect with some really good people here to help me challenge myself and grow, most likely through a church and bible study. I had found that in Oklahoma, but I'm back in NY now. I should probably go to bed now as I'm going to a new church in the morning... at least I get an extra hour tonight with daylight savings ;-)
There's a lot to be said for one amazing book, the Purpose Driven Life... it made some significant changes in my psyche when I only found the time to do half of it... perhaps its time to try again, and should it be his will, figure out what I can really pour myself into. I'm not getting any younger.
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