Four Seven

But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God
and not from us.
~2 Cor 4:7

So I might start sounding a little obsessed with the band Jars of Clay, but it just hit me why the hidden track is titled "Four Seven".... the verse above. Kinda like looking at the Fedex logo and finally seeing the arrow between the e and the x. Duh.

Where was I back in seventh grade when everyone else was obsessed with Flood? Apparently not paying close enough attention. Seems to go along with a lot in my life up to this point.

Read all of 2 Corinthians 4. We are but earthen vessels... cracked, broken, dirty. Nothing more ordinary and common than a jar of clay in biblical times. But we also have this treasure, the light of Christ to shine from within. A power that could not come from ourselves; from ordinary jars. the power must come from somewhere else... something greater. The clay will one day shatter and turn to dust, but the power remains. Why the heck would God put the treasure in such a frail place? Or why would he have His own son born in a manger for that matter?

Extraordinary power, from an ordinary place. So where should the focus be? Not on ourselves, but on the source of power. It's such a challenge to see past the humanity, or human condition if you will, sometimes. You'd think the treasure would be put in pots of silver or gold. But how would that encourage needing more. God could become an afterthought.

A glistening pot can be tarnished, but a dirty vessel made clean.

I sometimes sound like I'm going for some kind of sermon... so I kept it short. Just a little excited I suppose.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...
~2 Cor 4:17-18

resonant frequencies

You know, if there's one thing that's bugged me since I was, oh, half my current age, it's that I never took up piano lessons. What am I thinking with learning the guitar on my last post?

There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.

I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.

So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)

From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)

Lists

Since graduation, I have an insane amount of time (which is driving me insane) to do things with. Anyone out there with a life that surrenders little time to sleep, TRUST ME, from someone that needs to be productive, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. But outside of work...

To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.

Rick's "To Do" List,

• Read the Bible, all of it. (obviously not just for the sake of completion ;-)
• be conversational in Italian. Heck, i can get practice anytime just by dropping by my dad's club.
  
• Learn to cook a good amount of the amazing food i'm spoiled with at home...
  
• learn to play guitar, and sing more.
  
• defeat the decepticons, use my powers for good instead of evil.
• continue with this list in a more serious manner.
• serve in some ministry for the community... i.e. habitat.
• Be in better physical shape/health than I was even in HS.
• ...TBD
  

Try me... in the absence of life throwing curveballs to prevent/change them, of course. Cuz you know, that NEVER happens ;-) But in the absence of hearing any purpose in this time, I'll be damned if I don't get working on things I was driven to do in years past.

Nothing is real 'til it's gone. v2

It seems like God found every little way to give us a chance, but we found every little way to run from living in that light.

It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.

Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.

It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.

For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.

I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".

And yet we didn't.

And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.

For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.

I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.

I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.

Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.

All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.

I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.

Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.

But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.

We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.

After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.

I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.

All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.

But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.

I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.

I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Burried beneath all the lies.
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes.

And hold on before it's too late.
We'll run 'til we leave this behind.
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.

And the risk that might break you's
The one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone.
-GGD

___________

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
~C.S. Lewis


Brooke Fraser again, with Hillsong United :)

New... Year

There's a passion I once knew, an absolute excitement for life and what I could do with it, with the Lord's blessing, in the coming years. An unpredictable combination of focus, spontaneity, and drive to blaze amazing paths and create limitless relationships. A drive that felt like the next day could wait, because I'm not done with this one yet ;-)

A passion that didn't know how to fit the number of things I wanted to be good at in my life, into the time I had.

Slowly, over the years, the vision has inexplicably faded, the colors fading to grey as progress diminished. With some flashes of brilliance here and there the exception, I fell into preoccupation with what's in front of me, and momentum ceased.

The drive brought me to who I was, and forward into my first college years, molding me into who I was to become.

What happened, to come to now. I'm numb, broken, and seemingly empty.

What message shall I give to this world, if not through my life. But what message holds much meaning if not filled with God's love.

And there's the key. The path of reforming my life recently around God is no coincidence in timing. Granted, it's insanely late in my eyes, but that's it. My drive to success years ago was completely self-motivated. As I grew more aware of the need to rely on God for direction, my internal drive shut down, with lack of vision. I have a very intense need to be working on something with permanence, and my preoccupation with the current jobs/classes was what my energy was solely on, for years. I needed to be working on something that would carry on into the real world after graduation.

But engineering didn't seem to be going anywhere I could see myself being passionate about, and switching to flight school was exciting and I found real drive for awhile til I realized I wasn't on a path of working on something with permanence. What I mean is that I don't have a &$($#@ing clue what I really wanted to be studying, but I needed it to be something that I could build on every day, and be something to help the society and world we live in. To be a part of something bigger than myself, and with enough hard work to someday be considered a leading expert in whatever I do... not for prestige, not for a measure of "success" as society views it... not money. But to reach a higher level of contribution to God's world in a measurable way. That's the dream that started to take hold, when I had already set in stone my path through and out of Purdue. As a pilot, and possibly as an Air Traffic Controller that I am currently on the closest path to pursuing, I am training for jobs that provide a sustainable service as I see it, a trade, a skill. I'm not expanding our understanding of anything measurably, I'm not changing our world in any way other than maintaining an established system. This doesn't mean I won't pursue them as a career for income and security... but it's not what I feel I was designed for. Don't get me wrong in how I speak of services/trades at all... I can tell you of a handful of people's professions that can be described in this way among those I just met tonight... and I have immeasurable respect for what some are doing to make our world a better place.

The only long term idea attm is to get a job secure so I can focus on the areas of my life I want to work on. And i can finally make random trips to explore the country/world as a pilot... but as ATC I'll make enough $$ to do it anyway ;-). Where to be based is another story. There's home, but I really feel drawn to a couple other places around the country. Somewhere with 4 seasons (i like snow, sorry ;-) low humidity, easy access to mountains, lakes, awesome community/arts, and an active and vibrant faith community. I can't bring family (or Wegmans,::sniff::) with me, but I've got a couple ideas, we'll see how they turn out as it's somewhat luck of the draw. o.0 God's definitely going to have a hand in this one, haha.

I can't tell you what I want to do with my life now tho. I'm 26 and somehow, frustratingly, I haven't found the focus on ANYTHING I can build on, day to day, just yet. I'm angry with God sometimes, as things seem to be adding up to nothing, because I have so much drive to do something I can't even put my finger on... not even a small step toward anything. Angry that He hasn't pointed me in any seemingly useful direction. Sometimes I really wish I was still in school, as a grad student doing research, or out in the field, developing something I'm interested in.

Honestly, I'm extremely excited about sustainable energy research... everyone knows how big a deal it is for us in terms of oil, pollution, etc. But not many see the scale we need to be working on it long term, given the alarming growth rates of energy consumption in our world, in many different forms. Balance in nature is precise... populations of organisms grow, and if not in check, die out suddenly when they exceed the limits of what their environment can provide. As humans we adapt well, of course, but even we have limits, that we stretch to tipping points...

I kinda wish I had majored in something that would allow me to work on a field like wind energy systems. But that's just one example. A prof back at Purdue wants to do atmospheric climate research involving the need for real-time aircraft air sampling and satellite data... with the right timing and coursework, I would have loved to be involved in that project. And if I was in engineering, I probably would have moved toward something that will help develop free flight... the next big thing in flying... it'll eventually allow everyone to pilot their own small aircraft instead of driving where they need to go, or taking an airline, for example. (No need to be a pilot...I know, scary)

Oh and on a random note, a lot of the current "alternative fuel" plans are complete joke. Sure you can discuss the pros/cons of hydrogen fuel cell, ethanol, natural gas, etc... but take a look at the energy requirements for creating the fuels themselves. You might as well go straight to electric cars (powered by batteries that aren't exactly ideal yet, tho ;-)) And aside from battery problem practicality with current technology, the concept of the Chevy Volt is a promising one. What they really need to do is create a Volt with Natural Gas as the backup instead of Unleaded... this country has a hell of a lot of it we just don't use. Chances are your local DOT vehicles are running on natural gas they refuel at their own pumps ;-)

Enough with the details. My loss of passion in life is suffocating right now, it's completely contrary to who I am. I can't stand having my brain idle, I can't stand not using what I have.

And you know what... I already explained in a previous post how all my Joy in life was centered on the love I've lost, but there's far more to it than that. I made a tenuous peace within myself when it came to falling short in drive and passion, as I was just hiding myself among the one aspect of my life I KNEW was moving towards what was meant to be, the only one thing I knew. Among everything else fading to grey, the truth about her in my life shone brighter and brighter every day, as I came to realize the one thing I was truly passionate about finding was a deep and growing life in Christ, and a family, with her. I was afraid of it for so long, knowing if I fell I'd fall completely... and being young/immature and not ready for true commitment. You just know when you've found that one person in your life tho, the one soul you'll spend the rest of your life with. I knew, deep within, from the first day, among the first glances into her infinitely loving eyes and connection through the touch of her fingertips... ok I shouldn't get into that, sorry. But in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I, recognize, And I know... thanks Ben Folds, nice try.

I fought a battle between altering career/life plans and giving too much of myself too quick, which would have been so easy to do with how we felt. I always knew, innately... and it's the one path in my life that for so many reasons not to be put into words, it felt God-given in purpose that we'd be together, no matter what. Now I have to find a way to accept it was all in my head. God's purpose prevails, and that one apparently wasn't it. Love finds a way... but not this way, apparently.

When I felt I had met the true love of my life so many years back now, I felt I had finally found someone that could keep up with me, and match my energy to become greater together than we could be apart. Someone that actually understood my crazy and insane side, and would want to journey ahead, with me, and I with her in whatever we found in life. With what I've described above, it feels like it eventually came to me not knowing how to keep up with her... I had slowly lost something big, i'm so subdued now. I'm not myself, from how I know I should be.

There's a pressure cooker of energy and drive building up inside me, not knowing what to release itself on just yet... It's been a long time, but I know how much can be accomplished when you really set your mind and all of who you are on something. There's one thing I know for sure, either way:

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~Matthew 19:26

And with prayer miraculous things are coming about even now.

But I'm not here to keep looking over my shoulder, to not be grateful for what I have already. I have faith that the path I'm taking will eventually show its worth, starting this new year.... hello 2009.

And somehow I know there's someone there to keep up with me, and I with her, when I've formed myself in the light of Christ that I should have, long ago. Someone who actually needs me in her life... to move forward together and with a family. I know purpose and direction will come, with this path and only God knows when we're ready. I'm not there yet, and it explains a lot of what's happened recently in my life. But who will be there, when I am... or who will grow with me, in this journey.

Watch out, world, when I find my way back. ;-)