“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Maryann Williamson
Monday, December 28, 2009
Merry Christmas! And... Happy New Year?
Big day tomorrow. This would be appropriate:
Friday, November 20, 2009
Flashback
Sometimes a song will get stuck in my head for hours... usually something I've been listening to recently, and more often than not a soundtrack to what's going on in my life. But all week I've had a rewind to high school embedded in the middle of my studies, efficiently making retention of most anything impossible. Sometimes I need an off button for the rest of life, so my brain can focus on what's right in front of me. I can't exactly go back to those distracted, lost hours.
Someone once said that those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The flashback just might have been loosely connected to a piece of my own history, a piece that I almost, alarmingly, wrote once again. Anyway, one thing's for sure, the Lord has shown what His presence in my life can do in keeping us on the right path, or all the more often, in bringing us back. Eternity tugs on the heart of every soul, in one way or another... and so does the longing for realization of desires imprinted upon our hearts. Blessings that can only be granted to us by the creator himself, and in His time. The art of "Waiting upon the Lord"... no, the conviction to do so for His Glory, is not something achieved overnight. But not much worth fighting for is won without trial now, is it?
You have permission to laugh all you want ;-) but I have no shame in admitting I liked the artist... and strangely, the video.
Someone once said that those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The flashback just might have been loosely connected to a piece of my own history, a piece that I almost, alarmingly, wrote once again. Anyway, one thing's for sure, the Lord has shown what His presence in my life can do in keeping us on the right path, or all the more often, in bringing us back. Eternity tugs on the heart of every soul, in one way or another... and so does the longing for realization of desires imprinted upon our hearts. Blessings that can only be granted to us by the creator himself, and in His time. The art of "Waiting upon the Lord"... no, the conviction to do so for His Glory, is not something achieved overnight. But not much worth fighting for is won without trial now, is it?
You have permission to laugh all you want ;-) but I have no shame in admitting I liked the artist... and strangely, the video.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Love: verb.
Silly me, thinking I could just stay away. ok ok honestly I have been, but there's ONE THING I needed to share from my adventures today.
Below is an excerpt from a fantastic monologue... one that hits a little too frighteningly near to home for me, but the final message, the final conclusion here is quite simply, perfect. It seems to be a little too close to placing relationship with someone else on the level with God, which should never happen, but it isn't that, at all. I believe in two being joined as one, in His name. Serving others comes before serving yourself, always... as hard as that can be to accomplish ever so often. Jesus was the greatest role model of them all in putting others first, especially those who can seemingly do you no good. It's the vision driving me, from the inside out, and I feel it might help someone reading, today:
Below is an excerpt from a fantastic monologue... one that hits a little too frighteningly near to home for me, but the final message, the final conclusion here is quite simply, perfect. It seems to be a little too close to placing relationship with someone else on the level with God, which should never happen, but it isn't that, at all. I believe in two being joined as one, in His name. Serving others comes before serving yourself, always... as hard as that can be to accomplish ever so often. Jesus was the greatest role model of them all in putting others first, especially those who can seemingly do you no good. It's the vision driving me, from the inside out, and I feel it might help someone reading, today:
- ...I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for you love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.
-Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Theory of Everything
Friends, I'm taking a break from this journal. No worries, just a hiatus from the keys. My pen will continue, or should I say God will continue to pen upon my life, at the very least. And in time (possibly a matter of days, ya never know ;-) I may bring it here.
Seasons come and go. This past week marked the anniversary of one that has revealed so much, and not without sacrifice. Not without its share of of misplaced trust, rebuilding, disappointment, or revelation. Not without nightmares, whether by day or night. And to say the season has ended would be a lie. But how amazingly intricate God's plan really is, and how deep His love for us reaches... if I can even comprehend it. How mysterious (and sometimes terrifying) are His ways to us, but how perfect they are. The more I know, the more I thirst to understand, as it all seems to fit into one elusive, awesome equation.
Speaking of, isn't that what Steven Hawking has been after? We study and decipher the word of God, by peering backwards in time at scripture. Hawking took Pennrose's equations, reversed them, and applied them to the entire universe. He proved that the universe appeared out of one, single, tiny point. But try as he might, he couldn't explain how, or why. Nobody can. Everything came out of that point, everything has been governed by it since. Sounds familiar, doesn't it.
We can call this event a miracle. We can call it Genesis 1:1. We can call it Walter, or Ophelia. Whatever. But even if you could reduce it to a set of mathematical equations, it still begs Hawking's question of "What breathes fire into the equations to make a universe for the equations to describe?" The questions will keep coming, and the equations always have exceptions. In the mean time, I'll keep trying to figure out God, and He'll keep revealing how much we still need to learn ;-)
But what use is there in asking "why" or "how", as Hawking did. Knowing the origin of the absolute has no effect on the fact that it's still the absolute. Our lives aren't dependent on knowing it, and the absolute is unchanged by us. Hawking had his Pennrose equations to start from, or he'd be lost. Again, sound familiar? Somewhere along the lines of, oh, Matthew 22:36-40:
Honestly, that's not the heaviest thing on my heart, or my mind right now, but it probably should be. I'm good at redirection, at least. I debate with myself how effective I could be if I really opened up my life to pages on the internet like this... if my inner thoughts would reach anyone in need, in any small way. Compared to a decade, 2 decades ago... we've come a long way in communication. We've come a long way in how many people we can reach. And it'll keep on going... right now twitter is the hot topic. There's so much potential. But in spite of all the technology, in spite of how interconnected we've become, touching another person's life in a real way probably won't happen through a URL. It won't be hyperlinked. It'll be face to face.
And so for the moment I'm moving away from the online distractions. I've been attempting this for months, in small ways. I might even disappear from facebook (gasp), officially or unofficially. But there's many to reach, many to love, much to learn and change out there. Not here. I'm so thankful for so many amazing people in my life, but the quiet has revealed those who really care, who are meant to play a greater role in my life, as they were a light in my darkest days. It's also shone a light on those who need me... some I would have missed amongst all the noise.
I haven't felt real, haven't felt connected to anything, anyone, in so long. I haven't been able to give 100% to anything, for years. It's infinitely frustrating, as I know what drives me, what inspires and excites me, and I've been disconnected from those things for so long. I don't understand the why just yet, but as I've said earlier, the why isn't important... just that I'm now pointed in the right direction. And that's all that matters tonight. That, and someone special to share these thoughts, my heart, and this direction with. To a degree neither of us has know before. All in God's time. :D
We have one life, and every day is another chance to give back to the creator; the one who has given us so much. Science says it started with one big bang. Sounds like an appropriate start to something so awesome ;-)
Seasons come and go. This past week marked the anniversary of one that has revealed so much, and not without sacrifice. Not without its share of of misplaced trust, rebuilding, disappointment, or revelation. Not without nightmares, whether by day or night. And to say the season has ended would be a lie. But how amazingly intricate God's plan really is, and how deep His love for us reaches... if I can even comprehend it. How mysterious (and sometimes terrifying) are His ways to us, but how perfect they are. The more I know, the more I thirst to understand, as it all seems to fit into one elusive, awesome equation.
Speaking of, isn't that what Steven Hawking has been after? We study and decipher the word of God, by peering backwards in time at scripture. Hawking took Pennrose's equations, reversed them, and applied them to the entire universe. He proved that the universe appeared out of one, single, tiny point. But try as he might, he couldn't explain how, or why. Nobody can. Everything came out of that point, everything has been governed by it since. Sounds familiar, doesn't it.
We can call this event a miracle. We can call it Genesis 1:1. We can call it Walter, or Ophelia. Whatever. But even if you could reduce it to a set of mathematical equations, it still begs Hawking's question of "What breathes fire into the equations to make a universe for the equations to describe?" The questions will keep coming, and the equations always have exceptions. In the mean time, I'll keep trying to figure out God, and He'll keep revealing how much we still need to learn ;-)
But what use is there in asking "why" or "how", as Hawking did. Knowing the origin of the absolute has no effect on the fact that it's still the absolute. Our lives aren't dependent on knowing it, and the absolute is unchanged by us. Hawking had his Pennrose equations to start from, or he'd be lost. Again, sound familiar? Somewhere along the lines of, oh, Matthew 22:36-40:
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."All the law. For all the science, for all the music, for all the laughs and all the tears we cry, everything I learn about God and about how we're supposed to live and love life points back to accomplishing these verses. We can talk about moral relativism all day long, but we're all born with a sense of right and wrong for what makes this world a better place. As far as I can comprehend... all our actions; our words and all our decisions should boil down to these verses as the aim, in one form or another. Every healthy relationship points to this. Every Sunday sermon points to this. Some wonder why Christians place so much faith in Christ. And those verses were only a few of His words...
Honestly, that's not the heaviest thing on my heart, or my mind right now, but it probably should be. I'm good at redirection, at least. I debate with myself how effective I could be if I really opened up my life to pages on the internet like this... if my inner thoughts would reach anyone in need, in any small way. Compared to a decade, 2 decades ago... we've come a long way in communication. We've come a long way in how many people we can reach. And it'll keep on going... right now twitter is the hot topic. There's so much potential. But in spite of all the technology, in spite of how interconnected we've become, touching another person's life in a real way probably won't happen through a URL. It won't be hyperlinked. It'll be face to face.
And so for the moment I'm moving away from the online distractions. I've been attempting this for months, in small ways. I might even disappear from facebook (gasp), officially or unofficially. But there's many to reach, many to love, much to learn and change out there. Not here. I'm so thankful for so many amazing people in my life, but the quiet has revealed those who really care, who are meant to play a greater role in my life, as they were a light in my darkest days. It's also shone a light on those who need me... some I would have missed amongst all the noise.
I haven't felt real, haven't felt connected to anything, anyone, in so long. I haven't been able to give 100% to anything, for years. It's infinitely frustrating, as I know what drives me, what inspires and excites me, and I've been disconnected from those things for so long. I don't understand the why just yet, but as I've said earlier, the why isn't important... just that I'm now pointed in the right direction. And that's all that matters tonight. That, and someone special to share these thoughts, my heart, and this direction with. To a degree neither of us has know before. All in God's time. :D
We have one life, and every day is another chance to give back to the creator; the one who has given us so much. Science says it started with one big bang. Sounds like an appropriate start to something so awesome ;-)
Monday, August 31, 2009
www.kiva.org
Click on the banner. Make a truly unique difference.
Some organizations send food, some send people, while others enable you to "adopt" a child in less fortunate communities. There's a reason why the rich get richer and the poor get... well, they stay poor. They remain economically starved, and it affects all aspects of their lives. They have no means of bringing themselves out of their plight, and yet there's so much that we could do to help them.
Most of us feel some degree of willingness to help. And for Christians, sometimes it feels like we're being called to drop everything we have, everything we've worked for, and go to Africa. Or Haiti. Or down the street to the local soup kitchen. Help those in need, save lives, etc etc. Worthy causes, of course, but these avenues of service are not meant for everyone.
All of us have our respective giftings; we all have a place the Lord needs us to move, and a place we'll change lives. There are places dedicated to 24/7 worship, 365 day prayer... praying for revival, for a major change in the path our society is taking. I have to admit that sometimes I leave church saddened that I had to leave, that I couldn't remain in the presence of the people, the word, and the music that lifts my spirit. That I couldn't continue praying for those in need, and worshiping in that way. Depressed that tomorrow is Monday, and not Sunday again. But what would that accomplish if it was? It would essentially just be for selfish purposes. A place of refuge, where I'm not reaching those who really need help. Sunday has its purpose, and in strengthening community and ministering to those there so that they're better equipped to serve elsewhere is key. But i'm getting to something here, bear with me.
Sometimes it seems like the acquisition of wealth, in the form of assets, is all that matters in our society. And becoming "successful" means being wealthy. It seems pretty contrary to the tenets we're supposed to live by. But I believe that if you have the ability to become "wealthy", it can serve a great purpose. Money isn't everything, obviously, but it essentially decides a LOT. Without question it provides the means to reach those who are less fortunate. If you use the wealth you acquire to give back to those that need it, you could quite possibly be using what you've been given for the reason you were given it. There's a purpose in our good fortune. As written in Luke 12: "...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." And this means something different for everyone. But the truth is, one way or another, it must be for the benefit of others.
microloans are such an awesome avenue of helping out those who are seeking a way forward, economically. For the rich, it's relatively easy to acquire loans. But those who honestly NEED them are often unable. A good friend spoke last year of the amazing difference microloans can make, as she was able to witness them in action, firsthand. Not sure why I've waited so long to point it out... but check out Kiva from the banner above, and see how easy it is to make a difference from right in front of your own computer.
Some organizations send food, some send people, while others enable you to "adopt" a child in less fortunate communities. There's a reason why the rich get richer and the poor get... well, they stay poor. They remain economically starved, and it affects all aspects of their lives. They have no means of bringing themselves out of their plight, and yet there's so much that we could do to help them.
Most of us feel some degree of willingness to help. And for Christians, sometimes it feels like we're being called to drop everything we have, everything we've worked for, and go to Africa. Or Haiti. Or down the street to the local soup kitchen. Help those in need, save lives, etc etc. Worthy causes, of course, but these avenues of service are not meant for everyone.
All of us have our respective giftings; we all have a place the Lord needs us to move, and a place we'll change lives. There are places dedicated to 24/7 worship, 365 day prayer... praying for revival, for a major change in the path our society is taking. I have to admit that sometimes I leave church saddened that I had to leave, that I couldn't remain in the presence of the people, the word, and the music that lifts my spirit. That I couldn't continue praying for those in need, and worshiping in that way. Depressed that tomorrow is Monday, and not Sunday again. But what would that accomplish if it was? It would essentially just be for selfish purposes. A place of refuge, where I'm not reaching those who really need help. Sunday has its purpose, and in strengthening community and ministering to those there so that they're better equipped to serve elsewhere is key. But i'm getting to something here, bear with me.
Sometimes it seems like the acquisition of wealth, in the form of assets, is all that matters in our society. And becoming "successful" means being wealthy. It seems pretty contrary to the tenets we're supposed to live by. But I believe that if you have the ability to become "wealthy", it can serve a great purpose. Money isn't everything, obviously, but it essentially decides a LOT. Without question it provides the means to reach those who are less fortunate. If you use the wealth you acquire to give back to those that need it, you could quite possibly be using what you've been given for the reason you were given it. There's a purpose in our good fortune. As written in Luke 12: "...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." And this means something different for everyone. But the truth is, one way or another, it must be for the benefit of others.
microloans are such an awesome avenue of helping out those who are seeking a way forward, economically. For the rich, it's relatively easy to acquire loans. But those who honestly NEED them are often unable. A good friend spoke last year of the amazing difference microloans can make, as she was able to witness them in action, firsthand. Not sure why I've waited so long to point it out... but check out Kiva from the banner above, and see how easy it is to make a difference from right in front of your own computer.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Butterfly in the sky?
Been away for a bit, and I could share a bazillion and one thoughts but I am le tired.
I love Sundays. What's exciting tho is that my cousin's wedding is tomorrow, so I need sleepz for now.
In my own dorky trekkie way, tonight I'm just going to salute the end of Reading Rainbow. Ironically with bad English, no less, but LaVar Burton from where I knew him best :D
I love Sundays. What's exciting tho is that my cousin's wedding is tomorrow, so I need sleepz for now.
In my own dorky trekkie way, tonight I'm just going to salute the end of Reading Rainbow. Ironically with bad English, no less, but LaVar Burton from where I knew him best :D
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A little slice of history.
I'm not much of a Winston Churchill fan, on the whole. I know more about the technology and events of WWII than I do about the leaders that played such key roles in these dark times. Even FDR. But I do know Churchill was the right man in the right place at the right time for a nation with its back against the wall, fighting for dear life. And there's a lot more wisdom to be had in the prose at the end of this entry, than for what was on the minds of those listening in 1941.
To launch into an extensive "everything happens for a reason" post would be all too easy, and bloring. That's my adjective for boring blog. Churchill might call this blog bloody bloring. Anywho, the fact of the matter is that from our own limited perspective, we see so little of the big picture. There's no denying that. It's no surprise that quite often the more we learn, the more we realize we don't know.
So long as I'm on a roll with cliche phrases (and the cliche police haven't come to take me away...yet), I might as well mention that I've always cringed at the phrase "ignorance is bliss". Nothing could be further from the truth, on so many levels. Sure, it's "comfortable" (maybe) for now. But I'll smack you over the head if you say it in my presence. With that mantra, you're just living on borrowed time. And btw, if they do come and lock me away, I'll have time to write a book on it. Yes, my bloring book on bliss. Hey, look at the Apostle Paul. They guy was in freakin' prison, and so I'm pretty sure his life sucked right about then. What happened there? He wrote the slightly famous letter to the Philipians, and spread the gospel news. You know, part of THE BIBLE. Whether you accept it's word or not, it's the most widely read book ever. And part of it came from a guy locked behind bars. He didn't deserve the sentence, let alone the treatment he was given, but it happened anyway. Yes, news flash, bad things happen to good people. And yet God has a purpose for it. I was reminded of this as I read John 9, where Jesus heals a man born blind. It's written that "As [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."'
God knows how to use our struggles for good. He knows, and He does. He knows how to use the apparent evil in our lives for something greater, far greater than we can see.
The point here, however, is simply the role of perspective, and the power of it. It's been said that "Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed." So it goes with insight into anything. From how much a kind word changes a stranger's day to the effects of a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa. We can control how we view our lives and how we view the world around us, but not a single one of us is in full control of the path for either of those. To believe that we are, actually sets us up for failure. Our perspective rules over our potential in those areas, as I see it. It influences how we prepare. it decides where we put our trust. Just as the more we know reveals how much we don't actually know... those very revelations OPENS UP a door for us to move into those areas. Doors that, with ignorance, remain shut. And there are forces that wish to keep them shut... traps we can all fall into, ever so easily. I've got an itchy trigger finger on launching into real biblical lessons here, but there's too much to say. So long as I'm quoting John tho... "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." ~John 8:36.
This, my friend, is where Churchill's little speech comes in. Forces are fighting fiercely in my mind and heart, as they do in all of our lives from time to time. And it's why I'm listening ever so intently in these times:
"You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done. Those people who are imaginative see many more dangers than perhaps exist; certainly many more than will happen; but then they must also pray to be given that extra courage to carry this far-reaching imagination.
But for everyone, surely, what we have gone through in this period--I am addressing myself to the School--surely from this period of ten months, this is the lesson:
Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."
~Winston Churchill
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Humbled
God likes to surprise us. I get the funny feeling sometimes that I've jinxed myself out of life changing experiences because I envisioned them happening already, so God changed the plan, ha. Kind of like having to call off a surprise party for someone because they caught wind of the scheme ;-) Truly, all the greatest moments of my life have come in ways and at times I never would have seen coming. Someday I'll stop imagining so many possibilities for my future, and focus on the here and now. Regardless...
How life has changed.
For the better? You'll have to ask me in 5 years. But If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, one thing alone, it's humility. I didn't fully understand the virtue, and I can't say I ever fully will. When I'm out on the street, begging for a place to stay out of the cold, forgotten and lost... maybe then I'd have a better idea. Anyway, I expected a lot of things that never happened.
Recent conversations and the word in Church today have hit on the reality that, on the whole, we tend to say THIS is what I want in life, so HOW God are YOU going to help me get there? We ask God to bend His will to ours. We pray for things to work out the way WE want them to. We ask for our desires to become His... completely the opposite of the way it works! It's the created telling the creator what to do. Silly Rabbit.
I once envisioned my life straight out of college very differently. I dreamed of being on the forefront and becoming an expert in my field (whatever it would be) and respected for my vision, and passion. Lord knows the drive that's been bottled up inside me. I saw myself finally playing piano and/or singing in music ministries, spreading joy in song. But above all else, doing the Lord's work in the purpose He's set before me. I dreamed of already being engaged to an amazingly loving and driven woman, and serving the Lord by helping others alongside her. I dreamed of late nights out on the town, dancing and singing our hearts out. I saw myself in unfamiliar places, shining the light of Christ to those who don't know Him. I saw myself traveling the country for career and just for fun, and exploring the world with her. I saw us finding a home for a family, and being effective within our community. I saw every day being lived with so much gratefulness for where we were, that we could accomplish anything, for His glory.
But the last few years unfolded very, very differently. I'm an innovator at heart, with nowhere specific to innovate. I travel thousands of miles around, with an empty passenger seat and no footprints to keep mine company. I hear the Lord's call to minister, to serve, but I don't yet hear how. I'm following music as I once had, without the talent to create it myself. I hear church bells ringing, but not for us. Days, weeks, months seem to fly by, at the peak of my youthful days, and I'm largely idle in progress, save faith. I love being spontaneous and crazy with my best friends, and in the trauma of undoing all of who I was, I have seemingly lost that spark. I'm pretty boring these days. I tragically seem to be a friend to so many, but a companion to none.
But what do I have to complain about? REALLY NOW? I have a roof over my head, and a warm place to sleep. Always a meal on the table, often worthy of the finest italian restaurants. I have a loving family that sticks together, and a job that pays the bills. Heck, I even have a very stable and financially encouraging career waiting for me. And I'm in perfect health, uncomfortably energetic (thanks youtube), physically fit, and nothing more than mild seasonal allergies to be bothered with. I have friends that care dearly for me; people I really admire and I'm forever grateful for. And above all else, I've finally broken down the walls inside to seek the fullness of the Lord, in all his amazing grace... in a relationship that only grows stronger every day. What... WHAT, could I ever be ungrateful for. I've been blessed in so many ways. And you know what? I really do seek out His will for my life, and not my own will anymore. I don't seek fulfillment through just watching others any longer. But everything feels empty without knowing the calling to fulfill, and journeying with my other half I once thought I had found.
Nevertheless, today in church confirmed I'm on the right track,in some ways... this post is really about something I won't touch on specifically yet, but it's about being obedient to Him. To being JOYFUL in being obedient in His will. and you know how you get there? With true faith and relationship first, then the ability to be obedient naturally follows. You can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak, as I was trying to do for so many years. You can be a man/woman of God on the outside, do so many godly things in your life, save others... stop wars, cure cancer... and still never be known to Him.
I once thought humility was the last thing I had to work on, until I was truly humbled. I once thought... you know, I don't have much of an ego. But in all reality, I saw myself on a certain esteemed level in society... a worldly view, but I valued it then. I saw myself as worthy of certain things, and other things seemed unworthy of my time and effort. Things other people value. That is, until I realized I wasn't admired for much of anything by my peers. Until I realized that my degree wasn't good for much more than a career I'm no longer pursuing. Until I realized that I was foolishly hoping my love of so many years would adore me for things I just didn't embody yet. Until I realized that I was so focused on myself, so caught up in the worldly view of things, that I didn't fully see what putting others first really meant, when I assumed that I had been serving well enough so far. Until I saw what true sacrifice and humility was on the cross.
Those concerns, in light of the bigger picture, are relatively insignificant. I'm still seeing those things in the old light, forgetting that the Lord loves all of us equally. That any insecurity I had about losing my former love to the reality of my shortcomings is so foolish... anyone I'm meant to walk with will be with me through thick and thin, will see to the heart of me, and will make me a priority, as I will with her. If the worldly view got in the way of past relationships, then I'm overjoyed to leave the worldly to seek the Voice of Truth.
And that's where I'm going with this, I suppose. I'm well aware of how much this post is themed toward marriage, and companionship in my life. Two things that, if I didn't know the Lord desires for his children, I could assume are just another example of ME telling the Lord what I need in my life.
I'm getting at one vision that has proven Godly, throughout my life and continues to be as I see it fulfilled in others. It's actually something that haunted my inner thoughts and held me back in my last relationship, because it was missing. It's honestly not necessary, in any regard, as I loved her with all my heart either way, and the Lord brings people together in His way, as this post should make obvious. But I've always envisioned meeting my future beloved while serving the Lord. Being brought together because our paths just so happen to cross while giving of ourselves in Christlike service to others, and growing together because we're both focused on the Lord's work and not on ourselves. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but that's me. I've toyed with the possibility of joining MAF, a Christian missionary organization that needs pilots to fly into remote places around the world... usually third world countries. Spreading the truth about Christ while providing badly needed aid. That's all I would need in life... fulfilling God's purpose for me in a way such as that. Not even close to a healthy environment for starting a family, but in going along with the theme here, I wouldn't bat an eye to the story of meeting my future wife in a jungle of Central America, as I'm flying in medical supplies to a remote village she's there to aid as well.
So if I really am jinxing myself out of future events, there goes another one!
I'm rebuilding my life. Starting from scratch. And if I'm actually meant to share the adventures I dreamed of with someone, if I ever become as effective in ministry as I long to be, of finding true purpose and doing the Lord's work, and if I ever have a family I can lead in Christlike love, then it just hasn't happened yet, and there's no time to start but now. God willing :)
How life has changed.
For the better? You'll have to ask me in 5 years. But If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, one thing alone, it's humility. I didn't fully understand the virtue, and I can't say I ever fully will. When I'm out on the street, begging for a place to stay out of the cold, forgotten and lost... maybe then I'd have a better idea. Anyway, I expected a lot of things that never happened.
Recent conversations and the word in Church today have hit on the reality that, on the whole, we tend to say THIS is what I want in life, so HOW God are YOU going to help me get there? We ask God to bend His will to ours. We pray for things to work out the way WE want them to. We ask for our desires to become His... completely the opposite of the way it works! It's the created telling the creator what to do. Silly Rabbit.
I once envisioned my life straight out of college very differently. I dreamed of being on the forefront and becoming an expert in my field (whatever it would be) and respected for my vision, and passion. Lord knows the drive that's been bottled up inside me. I saw myself finally playing piano and/or singing in music ministries, spreading joy in song. But above all else, doing the Lord's work in the purpose He's set before me. I dreamed of already being engaged to an amazingly loving and driven woman, and serving the Lord by helping others alongside her. I dreamed of late nights out on the town, dancing and singing our hearts out. I saw myself in unfamiliar places, shining the light of Christ to those who don't know Him. I saw myself traveling the country for career and just for fun, and exploring the world with her. I saw us finding a home for a family, and being effective within our community. I saw every day being lived with so much gratefulness for where we were, that we could accomplish anything, for His glory.
But the last few years unfolded very, very differently. I'm an innovator at heart, with nowhere specific to innovate. I travel thousands of miles around, with an empty passenger seat and no footprints to keep mine company. I hear the Lord's call to minister, to serve, but I don't yet hear how. I'm following music as I once had, without the talent to create it myself. I hear church bells ringing, but not for us. Days, weeks, months seem to fly by, at the peak of my youthful days, and I'm largely idle in progress, save faith. I love being spontaneous and crazy with my best friends, and in the trauma of undoing all of who I was, I have seemingly lost that spark. I'm pretty boring these days. I tragically seem to be a friend to so many, but a companion to none.
But what do I have to complain about? REALLY NOW? I have a roof over my head, and a warm place to sleep. Always a meal on the table, often worthy of the finest italian restaurants. I have a loving family that sticks together, and a job that pays the bills. Heck, I even have a very stable and financially encouraging career waiting for me. And I'm in perfect health, uncomfortably energetic (thanks youtube), physically fit, and nothing more than mild seasonal allergies to be bothered with. I have friends that care dearly for me; people I really admire and I'm forever grateful for. And above all else, I've finally broken down the walls inside to seek the fullness of the Lord, in all his amazing grace... in a relationship that only grows stronger every day. What... WHAT, could I ever be ungrateful for. I've been blessed in so many ways. And you know what? I really do seek out His will for my life, and not my own will anymore. I don't seek fulfillment through just watching others any longer. But everything feels empty without knowing the calling to fulfill, and journeying with my other half I once thought I had found.
Nevertheless, today in church confirmed I'm on the right track,in some ways... this post is really about something I won't touch on specifically yet, but it's about being obedient to Him. To being JOYFUL in being obedient in His will. and you know how you get there? With true faith and relationship first, then the ability to be obedient naturally follows. You can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak, as I was trying to do for so many years. You can be a man/woman of God on the outside, do so many godly things in your life, save others... stop wars, cure cancer... and still never be known to Him.
I once thought humility was the last thing I had to work on, until I was truly humbled. I once thought... you know, I don't have much of an ego. But in all reality, I saw myself on a certain esteemed level in society... a worldly view, but I valued it then. I saw myself as worthy of certain things, and other things seemed unworthy of my time and effort. Things other people value. That is, until I realized I wasn't admired for much of anything by my peers. Until I realized that my degree wasn't good for much more than a career I'm no longer pursuing. Until I realized that I was foolishly hoping my love of so many years would adore me for things I just didn't embody yet. Until I realized that I was so focused on myself, so caught up in the worldly view of things, that I didn't fully see what putting others first really meant, when I assumed that I had been serving well enough so far. Until I saw what true sacrifice and humility was on the cross.
Those concerns, in light of the bigger picture, are relatively insignificant. I'm still seeing those things in the old light, forgetting that the Lord loves all of us equally. That any insecurity I had about losing my former love to the reality of my shortcomings is so foolish... anyone I'm meant to walk with will be with me through thick and thin, will see to the heart of me, and will make me a priority, as I will with her. If the worldly view got in the way of past relationships, then I'm overjoyed to leave the worldly to seek the Voice of Truth.
And that's where I'm going with this, I suppose. I'm well aware of how much this post is themed toward marriage, and companionship in my life. Two things that, if I didn't know the Lord desires for his children, I could assume are just another example of ME telling the Lord what I need in my life.
I'm getting at one vision that has proven Godly, throughout my life and continues to be as I see it fulfilled in others. It's actually something that haunted my inner thoughts and held me back in my last relationship, because it was missing. It's honestly not necessary, in any regard, as I loved her with all my heart either way, and the Lord brings people together in His way, as this post should make obvious. But I've always envisioned meeting my future beloved while serving the Lord. Being brought together because our paths just so happen to cross while giving of ourselves in Christlike service to others, and growing together because we're both focused on the Lord's work and not on ourselves. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but that's me. I've toyed with the possibility of joining MAF, a Christian missionary organization that needs pilots to fly into remote places around the world... usually third world countries. Spreading the truth about Christ while providing badly needed aid. That's all I would need in life... fulfilling God's purpose for me in a way such as that. Not even close to a healthy environment for starting a family, but in going along with the theme here, I wouldn't bat an eye to the story of meeting my future wife in a jungle of Central America, as I'm flying in medical supplies to a remote village she's there to aid as well.
So if I really am jinxing myself out of future events, there goes another one!
I'm rebuilding my life. Starting from scratch. And if I'm actually meant to share the adventures I dreamed of with someone, if I ever become as effective in ministry as I long to be, of finding true purpose and doing the Lord's work, and if I ever have a family I can lead in Christlike love, then it just hasn't happened yet, and there's no time to start but now. God willing :)
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
~~~~~~~~
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
~2 Chronicles 20:17
~~~~~~~~
I just have to keep reminding myself, is all. Some battles are being won, while others are bound within a soul tie that only the Lord himself can allow to be broken, as ungodly; or redeemed, if godly it should truly be.
I'm just at the end of my rope in many ways, from feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, in life. Being completely held down by it. Of feeling like I have so much more to give, so much more to do, and not knowing where or how after all this time. Of knowing what it's like when someone is sent to walk with you, that one person you waited for, and then ultimately only knowing the same distance you knew before it all. I saw what could be in the harvest, but not the waters or earth to grow in. I didn't know them, yet. I'm striving to be made worthy, but above all I need His wisdom and grace. I know I'm being slightly redundant from previous posts, but the one certainty is that I'm being made ready for something, or someone. Or just one thing alone; salvation.
God wants us to worship Him...but how we live, every day, is the greatest avenue of worship. Colossians 3:23 is where it's at. Personally, I find great joy and great peace in worship music, but it's never about the music itself... just as any other outward actions of worship are not what's revered. Music is just the way some best express the spirit of God; the way some best share it, and spread it. Song can be another way the Lord displays His glory, through us.
God looks at the heart. Worship is born from within, not without.
keep digging deeper, deeper, for the wells of joy....
~~~~~~~~
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
~Revelation 21:1-5
~~~~~~~~
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
~2 Chronicles 20:17
~~~~~~~~
I just have to keep reminding myself, is all. Some battles are being won, while others are bound within a soul tie that only the Lord himself can allow to be broken, as ungodly; or redeemed, if godly it should truly be.
I'm just at the end of my rope in many ways, from feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, in life. Being completely held down by it. Of feeling like I have so much more to give, so much more to do, and not knowing where or how after all this time. Of knowing what it's like when someone is sent to walk with you, that one person you waited for, and then ultimately only knowing the same distance you knew before it all. I saw what could be in the harvest, but not the waters or earth to grow in. I didn't know them, yet. I'm striving to be made worthy, but above all I need His wisdom and grace. I know I'm being slightly redundant from previous posts, but the one certainty is that I'm being made ready for something, or someone. Or just one thing alone; salvation.
God wants us to worship Him...but how we live, every day, is the greatest avenue of worship. Colossians 3:23 is where it's at. Personally, I find great joy and great peace in worship music, but it's never about the music itself... just as any other outward actions of worship are not what's revered. Music is just the way some best express the spirit of God; the way some best share it, and spread it. Song can be another way the Lord displays His glory, through us.
God looks at the heart. Worship is born from within, not without.
keep digging deeper, deeper, for the wells of joy....
~~~~~~~~
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
~Revelation 21:1-5
~~~~~~~~
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Re: Coming Alive
Today was more than Father's Day this year. More than the first day of summer, but very fittingly also the anniversary of a wintry season in my life. More like an ice age, in the time spent discovering the truth, but I've been measuring lost time on my own terms and not God's. I was being prepared for the spring.
It's one thing to hurt myself, but I know it's hurt others along the way. If I didn't know better to realize this is the path the Lord intended for me, I would be greatly sorry for the collateral damage it caused, as it worked its way into consuming all other areas of my life, and affected the people I hold closest to my heart.
The reality is, I've spent most of my adult life seeking fulfillment and purpose in a most fruitless way. In a way that could lead to nothing but dead ends, and give nothing back to those around me. I've been seeking out friendships and associations with those who possess attributes I wanted to see within myself. With talents, personality traits, and gifts I longed for. At first glance, it sounds perfectly normal... it's only natural to seek out relationships with those you admire and relate to. But it was much more than that. Instead of striving to become what I valued... instead of working to improve and mold myself in the areas that make me come alive, I stopped at just associating with people who embodied those things. I felt, in some twisted way, that I could fulfill those needs within myself through them. I didn't learn or grow with them. All it led to was the inability to give back in the ways I cared most about. I didn't share in their joys, I watched.
That's the best way I can describe it. I know why I've struggled with purpose, I know why I've struggled to feel like I add anything significant to the lives of those around me. I know why I've found so little success in seeking out what I the world needs from me. A great man (who died a year before my birth) put it best... put exactly what I've been struggling with into words:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."
- Dr. Howard Thurman
Something makes each of us come alive. There's things that excite each and every one of us, inspired us, and bring out the best in who we are. Things that are unique to every person, that in turn find a way to better the lives of those around us. It goes beyond just the Spiritual Gifts I see within my faith community. And it's no wonder those who love their jobs are those who tend to be the best at what they do.
As I said, the reach of this destructive path has affected all areas of my life. But to give you an idea of what I mean, and not be COMPLETELY vague here, I'll give you one very important example.
It's no coincidence that many of my friends just so happen to be musicians. All told, a striking majority of my closest friends are still very much using their talents to this day. No, I have NOT filtered out those who don't fall under this category, it's just something I've come to realize very recently. There's a number of reasons I can understand why this is the case, but I relate to musicians extremely well in personality and interests, among other things. They're involved in areas I am, not just music. Think about your own profession... you may share specific traits with most everyone else in your field. Fill in the blanks for yourself: It seems like everyone in/at ______ tends to be _______.
Transitioning from High School, I left behind a number of things I didn't miss much... a number of things I didn't regret putting aside. But I played in the concert band at Purdue my freshman year for good reason... not because I desperately needed something to make my 21 credit hours in Engineering even more psychotic, but because music was too much a part of me. Beginning with that transition year, however, I began to suppress many things I cared dearly for, because I didn't know how to make them a part of my adult life. I didn't know what to keep, what to throw away, and what to create anew. And music became a tragic casualty of this time. I only saw a few Jazz concerts my whole 7 years at college... that's just crazy, for anyone who knows my love for Jazz. Its limitless ability to express spontaneous and individual moods, often with multiple voices building and blending with one another. It's dynamic, and ever changing. I'm a sucker for jazz piano, saxophone, and small intimate combos. But it was too painful to watch peers express themselves in ways I couldn't anymore. it was like staring in the face of denial... much easier to just avoid it.
And there's a real reason why it's eaten away at me ever since. If I'm ever blessed with my own family, there's one thing I want in my household more than most anything else (next to a family focused on Christ-likeness) and that's music. A family that thrives on it, plays, and learns together. A family that creates together. I have known quite a few families with parents who either both play/sing/teach music, or at least one who's still very talented and involved, with the other being very supportive. I've seen a couple husband and wives play/sing together, and it's one of the most inspiring things I've ever known... the love and unity they find in sharing their passion with others. And to see the varied ways it's affected their children's growth is amazing. Purely magic. I can't put my finger on a lot of things I desire to see in the years ahead anymore, but that's one that grows stronger all the time. I WANT that. And I can't just sit around expecting my beloved alone to one day fulfill that dream for me.
Where does that tie in to this journal entry? I walked away from music, for many reasons. But I walked away from the one thing that truly made me come alive in my childhood. I was no prodigy, and I didn't practice enough to do justice to how much I loved this outlet to my creative drive. My High School music teacher was impressed with the expressiveness in my music, the interpretation of a piece, tho my technical study fell behind as I became involved in many other activities. But it was the one thing I truly loved to be a part of. And when I walked away... it fell victim to the same trap so many other things did: I was seeking out association with others who had succeeded in places I wasn't going to, as if I was going to be fulfilled through them. And I suppressed my hope of finding a companion that was musically talented, because I was SO insecure with the fact that I couldn't even fulfill my own half of the dream. The truth is, I knew that at least one of the parents in my own family would need to be passionate in this area, and I wasn't sure if it would be me anymore, let alone both of us. And I knew there are many more important things than this to focus on when it comes to family. What use is it to have children who practice every night but aren't taught the critical lessons of life, children who aren't brought up in a household where the parents love, work, reach out to the less fortunate, and worship passionately together. Piano lessons can be bought, love cannot.
The point I'm getting at tho is that even in music and future family I've been searching to find people that fulfill my need for things I should be working on within myself. I'm tired of chasing, of being nothing more than a mirror. What could I give back, and how could I find true unity in my passions with others if I can't even contribute.
Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this in my future... but I know where I'm going to start. I know why I went to the Rochester Jazz fest for the first time in 7 years, and I know why jazz pianists and improv take my breath away. I know why I've been drawn to the keyboards so strongly in church, as the way I pray and worship is so strongly influenced by song. It's the way I want to share with others the glory of God. I LOVE worship music. It sets the tone for everything in my life, and I've buried my desire to write music under the reality that I didn't start when I was 5 years old. That I'm just too late. It's the excuse I used at 17, and it's the excuse that I could so easily use as i move towards 27. I make no assumption that it's my path, but it's the one I've run from.
So now it's time to begin excelling at the roles I've suppressed for so long. To end denying the gifts and God-give dreams I was meant to fulfill.
I can barely fathom how it's taken me a couple decades to figure out what I've been doing wrong. But the next couple will be done right, I pray. A year ago today I set out for the last time seeking others to complete myself. Today the season to seek completion of myself for others begins.
Fear not, everything's going according to plan. Just not ours. ;-)
It's one thing to hurt myself, but I know it's hurt others along the way. If I didn't know better to realize this is the path the Lord intended for me, I would be greatly sorry for the collateral damage it caused, as it worked its way into consuming all other areas of my life, and affected the people I hold closest to my heart.
The reality is, I've spent most of my adult life seeking fulfillment and purpose in a most fruitless way. In a way that could lead to nothing but dead ends, and give nothing back to those around me. I've been seeking out friendships and associations with those who possess attributes I wanted to see within myself. With talents, personality traits, and gifts I longed for. At first glance, it sounds perfectly normal... it's only natural to seek out relationships with those you admire and relate to. But it was much more than that. Instead of striving to become what I valued... instead of working to improve and mold myself in the areas that make me come alive, I stopped at just associating with people who embodied those things. I felt, in some twisted way, that I could fulfill those needs within myself through them. I didn't learn or grow with them. All it led to was the inability to give back in the ways I cared most about. I didn't share in their joys, I watched.
That's the best way I can describe it. I know why I've struggled with purpose, I know why I've struggled to feel like I add anything significant to the lives of those around me. I know why I've found so little success in seeking out what I the world needs from me. A great man (who died a year before my birth) put it best... put exactly what I've been struggling with into words:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."
- Dr. Howard Thurman
Something makes each of us come alive. There's things that excite each and every one of us, inspired us, and bring out the best in who we are. Things that are unique to every person, that in turn find a way to better the lives of those around us. It goes beyond just the Spiritual Gifts I see within my faith community. And it's no wonder those who love their jobs are those who tend to be the best at what they do.
As I said, the reach of this destructive path has affected all areas of my life. But to give you an idea of what I mean, and not be COMPLETELY vague here, I'll give you one very important example.
It's no coincidence that many of my friends just so happen to be musicians. All told, a striking majority of my closest friends are still very much using their talents to this day. No, I have NOT filtered out those who don't fall under this category, it's just something I've come to realize very recently. There's a number of reasons I can understand why this is the case, but I relate to musicians extremely well in personality and interests, among other things. They're involved in areas I am, not just music. Think about your own profession... you may share specific traits with most everyone else in your field. Fill in the blanks for yourself: It seems like everyone in/at ______ tends to be _______.
Transitioning from High School, I left behind a number of things I didn't miss much... a number of things I didn't regret putting aside. But I played in the concert band at Purdue my freshman year for good reason... not because I desperately needed something to make my 21 credit hours in Engineering even more psychotic, but because music was too much a part of me. Beginning with that transition year, however, I began to suppress many things I cared dearly for, because I didn't know how to make them a part of my adult life. I didn't know what to keep, what to throw away, and what to create anew. And music became a tragic casualty of this time. I only saw a few Jazz concerts my whole 7 years at college... that's just crazy, for anyone who knows my love for Jazz. Its limitless ability to express spontaneous and individual moods, often with multiple voices building and blending with one another. It's dynamic, and ever changing. I'm a sucker for jazz piano, saxophone, and small intimate combos. But it was too painful to watch peers express themselves in ways I couldn't anymore. it was like staring in the face of denial... much easier to just avoid it.
And there's a real reason why it's eaten away at me ever since. If I'm ever blessed with my own family, there's one thing I want in my household more than most anything else (next to a family focused on Christ-likeness) and that's music. A family that thrives on it, plays, and learns together. A family that creates together. I have known quite a few families with parents who either both play/sing/teach music, or at least one who's still very talented and involved, with the other being very supportive. I've seen a couple husband and wives play/sing together, and it's one of the most inspiring things I've ever known... the love and unity they find in sharing their passion with others. And to see the varied ways it's affected their children's growth is amazing. Purely magic. I can't put my finger on a lot of things I desire to see in the years ahead anymore, but that's one that grows stronger all the time. I WANT that. And I can't just sit around expecting my beloved alone to one day fulfill that dream for me.
Where does that tie in to this journal entry? I walked away from music, for many reasons. But I walked away from the one thing that truly made me come alive in my childhood. I was no prodigy, and I didn't practice enough to do justice to how much I loved this outlet to my creative drive. My High School music teacher was impressed with the expressiveness in my music, the interpretation of a piece, tho my technical study fell behind as I became involved in many other activities. But it was the one thing I truly loved to be a part of. And when I walked away... it fell victim to the same trap so many other things did: I was seeking out association with others who had succeeded in places I wasn't going to, as if I was going to be fulfilled through them. And I suppressed my hope of finding a companion that was musically talented, because I was SO insecure with the fact that I couldn't even fulfill my own half of the dream. The truth is, I knew that at least one of the parents in my own family would need to be passionate in this area, and I wasn't sure if it would be me anymore, let alone both of us. And I knew there are many more important things than this to focus on when it comes to family. What use is it to have children who practice every night but aren't taught the critical lessons of life, children who aren't brought up in a household where the parents love, work, reach out to the less fortunate, and worship passionately together. Piano lessons can be bought, love cannot.
The point I'm getting at tho is that even in music and future family I've been searching to find people that fulfill my need for things I should be working on within myself. I'm tired of chasing, of being nothing more than a mirror. What could I give back, and how could I find true unity in my passions with others if I can't even contribute.
Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this in my future... but I know where I'm going to start. I know why I went to the Rochester Jazz fest for the first time in 7 years, and I know why jazz pianists and improv take my breath away. I know why I've been drawn to the keyboards so strongly in church, as the way I pray and worship is so strongly influenced by song. It's the way I want to share with others the glory of God. I LOVE worship music. It sets the tone for everything in my life, and I've buried my desire to write music under the reality that I didn't start when I was 5 years old. That I'm just too late. It's the excuse I used at 17, and it's the excuse that I could so easily use as i move towards 27. I make no assumption that it's my path, but it's the one I've run from.
So now it's time to begin excelling at the roles I've suppressed for so long. To end denying the gifts and God-give dreams I was meant to fulfill.
I can barely fathom how it's taken me a couple decades to figure out what I've been doing wrong. But the next couple will be done right, I pray. A year ago today I set out for the last time seeking others to complete myself. Today the season to seek completion of myself for others begins.
Fear not, everything's going according to plan. Just not ours. ;-)
Monday, June 15, 2009
To wait upon you Lord
Amazing, and terrifying all at once.
This, may just be the beginning
This, may just be the beginning
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed
~Hillsong United
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Remember when things weren't digital?
for any S-port peeps browsing, Hamlin Beach Picnic 2005
I'm kinda bummed i wasn't born around 1988. Not for any other reason other than the fact that I would have had a digital camera in high school. (on the flip side, I would have missed growing up with 90's music, and that's just plain unacceptable.) There's boxes and boxes of old family photos and albums stored away, but it wasn't as common back then to be lugging around anything more than a Kodak disposable, and inconvenient to bring a bulky/fragile 35mm everywhere. You had to be picky about what shots you took, and I remember the worry of if we had enough rolls of film for our Kodak Advantix Camera with us in Italy, haha. I just picked out a Canon SD780 IS for my bro and not only does it take HD video, but it's smaller than most wallets.
A few other events are posted on picasa too. This'll be a gradual process. Check back every now and then.
I'm kinda bummed i wasn't born around 1988. Not for any other reason other than the fact that I would have had a digital camera in high school. (on the flip side, I would have missed growing up with 90's music, and that's just plain unacceptable.) There's boxes and boxes of old family photos and albums stored away, but it wasn't as common back then to be lugging around anything more than a Kodak disposable, and inconvenient to bring a bulky/fragile 35mm everywhere. You had to be picky about what shots you took, and I remember the worry of if we had enough rolls of film for our Kodak Advantix Camera with us in Italy, haha. I just picked out a Canon SD780 IS for my bro and not only does it take HD video, but it's smaller than most wallets.
A few other events are posted on picasa too. This'll be a gradual process. Check back every now and then.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Harvest
Latest Album!: http://picasaweb.google.com/ricki.n.pavia/BenKristenSWedding#
I've discovered that the better life seemingly is, the more I want to capture it on camera. Little wonder I took 700 pics during this weekend back in 2006.
I could have posted them on facebook, but you might have noticed that I'm looking to put them elsewhere from here on out. The pics in Ben + Kris's album are full resolution, if you enlarge them. Facebook not only takes forever to upload them, but they're basically thumbnails in my book. Unfortunately, it'll just reach less people here on picasa due to a lack of tagging, but those who care to see will find their way to them I suppose. I pared it down to 180 pics, whew. If I included the videos, it would probably take up all my alotted space, haha.
Looking back, It's starting to hit me how significant this occasion was for me. No, not on the scale of how insanely special it was for the newlyweds :), but it was at a turning point in my life. it was at the pinnacle of things I only anticipated to keep going. I didn't see it then. There were two roads I could have taken, but little did I realize how unprepared I was for the one I longed to follow. How little attention did I pay to what I saw unfolding. It would be unwise for me to discuss here all that came to be, in the thoughts and observations of the man behind the camera. I'd rather look back and smile at how blessed I was to be a part of the new life my friends were about to embark upon. It was a magical time :)
Faith promises that the greatest days are still to come, in spite of what's unwound since then. My eyes have been opened to the truth of so much more to be found, so much more to be done.
But I don't intend to do it alone. And I know the Lord doesn't intend for any of us to live life alone, in any regard. The best pictures are those that capture relationship in motion, for a good reason.
Life has it's seasons. And like every autumn, life has it's harvest season too. The funny thing about the harvest is that sowing, watering, and cultivating kinda come before the reaping. The seeds are planted... and the grain isn't ready by morning. Not even close. There's also a place where we must allow God to do some weeding too. Don't forget that step, or there might not be much left to harvest in the end. I remember when I was a kid, and some weeds looked like the coolest plants... I'm glad I wasn't the one taking care of the garden yet or I might have taken out what was meant to stay, and left the rest to grow wild.
I took around 10,000 pics in 2 years time, since that summer of Ben & Kris's Wedding. In the past year, maybe a couple hundred at best. It's proportional to some very important aspects of my life.
I have a feeling the harvest season is coming again... tho the seeds are still being sown. There's little to show for it on my albums, but so much happens before new plantings find their way to the sunlight. There's much watering and cultivating to be done.
The harvest will come, in God's time. And grown from the children who didn't know the wheat from the weeds, we'll learn to reap, together, and know the goodness of the Lord :D
I've discovered that the better life seemingly is, the more I want to capture it on camera. Little wonder I took 700 pics during this weekend back in 2006.
I could have posted them on facebook, but you might have noticed that I'm looking to put them elsewhere from here on out. The pics in Ben + Kris's album are full resolution, if you enlarge them. Facebook not only takes forever to upload them, but they're basically thumbnails in my book. Unfortunately, it'll just reach less people here on picasa due to a lack of tagging, but those who care to see will find their way to them I suppose. I pared it down to 180 pics, whew. If I included the videos, it would probably take up all my alotted space, haha.
Looking back, It's starting to hit me how significant this occasion was for me. No, not on the scale of how insanely special it was for the newlyweds :), but it was at a turning point in my life. it was at the pinnacle of things I only anticipated to keep going. I didn't see it then. There were two roads I could have taken, but little did I realize how unprepared I was for the one I longed to follow. How little attention did I pay to what I saw unfolding. It would be unwise for me to discuss here all that came to be, in the thoughts and observations of the man behind the camera. I'd rather look back and smile at how blessed I was to be a part of the new life my friends were about to embark upon. It was a magical time :)
Faith promises that the greatest days are still to come, in spite of what's unwound since then. My eyes have been opened to the truth of so much more to be found, so much more to be done.
But I don't intend to do it alone. And I know the Lord doesn't intend for any of us to live life alone, in any regard. The best pictures are those that capture relationship in motion, for a good reason.
Life has it's seasons. And like every autumn, life has it's harvest season too. The funny thing about the harvest is that sowing, watering, and cultivating kinda come before the reaping. The seeds are planted... and the grain isn't ready by morning. Not even close. There's also a place where we must allow God to do some weeding too. Don't forget that step, or there might not be much left to harvest in the end. I remember when I was a kid, and some weeds looked like the coolest plants... I'm glad I wasn't the one taking care of the garden yet or I might have taken out what was meant to stay, and left the rest to grow wild.
I took around 10,000 pics in 2 years time, since that summer of Ben & Kris's Wedding. In the past year, maybe a couple hundred at best. It's proportional to some very important aspects of my life.
I have a feeling the harvest season is coming again... tho the seeds are still being sown. There's little to show for it on my albums, but so much happens before new plantings find their way to the sunlight. There's much watering and cultivating to be done.
The harvest will come, in God's time. And grown from the children who didn't know the wheat from the weeds, we'll learn to reap, together, and know the goodness of the Lord :D
Monday, May 18, 2009
Super(natural)
Suspense in movies... is silly.
Some of us watch dozens of films in any given year. As always, the good ones tend to keep us on the edge of our seat, holding our breath (figuratively or literally) and hoping the good guy makes it out alive. Wondering if the lovebirds will find a way past all the obstacles between them. And cheering for the underdog.
But WHY? We all know it's going to work out in the end. What's the worry? While watching Taken... did I have any doubt that Liam Neeson was going to find his daughter alive, kill the bad guys, and rescue her? (And don't give me any crap for spoilers, that doesn't qualify given the nature of this post!) But I promise there's no more mention of specific movies for me to ruin here ;-) And yet as the movie progressed, I still found myself caught up in the risks being taken... caught up in the moment.
We all find ourselves there... caught up in the moment. Some of us more often than others. It seems the younger you are, though, the more it rules you. Spend some time with a 3 or 4 year old. How quickly their concerns can change from moment to moment. If they're hungry, that's all that matters right now. And that's part of childhood. But what if you applied this idea to your faith life, to how it affects a relationship with the creator. What if you applied it to what rules your everyday actions. Your words. Your thoughts. And... of course, your emotions.
What's so silly? The fact that even among the faithful who KNOW the Lord is working all this for good, who KNOW he'll take care of them, and who KNOW any crisis is God's way of taking us to something greater, we still worry. We still doubt the outcome, we still stress over whether or not something will work out. So this isn't the movies, this is real life. But we still struggle with doubting God's promises even when we KNOW His love never fails. We're still caught up in the moment. We ::still::doubt::God::. wtf, mate.
The truth is, God works through the natural. Floods, plagues, miracles... were the biblical exception. Some of us look for God in the supernatural so often, that we miss the less obvious signs of grace. We look for God in the spectacular, and in turn miss the Holy Spirit. Personally, God has taken me so supernaturally into some areas and relationships in my life that when it came time to move on from them, the leaving was so natural I couldn't accept it. I couldn't see it. I was so focused on the fact that God led me to those places for some greater purpose that when those areas went from a benefit to a detriment, I missed what the Lord was calling me to move to. I looked for God in the spectacular alone. God can only work in us to the extent that we allow him to. Stop and think about that for a second. I've harped on this from previous posts for a reason... that the more alive we are in Christ, the more the Lord can do through us. The less we let Him in our lives, the less He can do. While this may be His world, His plan, His creation... it's the boundaries/walls of our decisions and faith that decide how much we can join in the celebration.
We might not be little kids anymore, but we're still God's children. We still make childish mistakes, and we still risk letting our emotions rule us. We struggle to act on principle. Women in general might be more 'emotional' beings... but really, guys are just wired to suppress it. Emotions make us reactionary in nature... and if anything, I would venture to say that men are more apt to be impulsive and reactionary than women. (of course, the exception being when a credit card is involved ;-) When we allow our emotions to rule us we open ourselves to fear taking over. And if there's one thing that can be said about fear it's that it attracts the negative... while faith attracts the positive. Faith that in crisis, God is working for us, and never against us.
"Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier" - Colin Powell
In my mind, perpetual optimism is another way of telling me to steady myself in the word of God. To not be tossed about by every attack on my emotions, to remain focused on principle and keep confessing what i KNOW to be true, as it'll only multiply the forces of good that can be realized in this life.
While I may still be on the edge of my seat in the movie theater, I can walk out the doors, and peacefully through the fields of gold, eyes closed, knowing my next steps will be on firm ground :D
Steady yourself in the Word of God.
Some of us watch dozens of films in any given year. As always, the good ones tend to keep us on the edge of our seat, holding our breath (figuratively or literally) and hoping the good guy makes it out alive. Wondering if the lovebirds will find a way past all the obstacles between them. And cheering for the underdog.
But WHY? We all know it's going to work out in the end. What's the worry? While watching Taken... did I have any doubt that Liam Neeson was going to find his daughter alive, kill the bad guys, and rescue her? (And don't give me any crap for spoilers, that doesn't qualify given the nature of this post!) But I promise there's no more mention of specific movies for me to ruin here ;-) And yet as the movie progressed, I still found myself caught up in the risks being taken... caught up in the moment.
We all find ourselves there... caught up in the moment. Some of us more often than others. It seems the younger you are, though, the more it rules you. Spend some time with a 3 or 4 year old. How quickly their concerns can change from moment to moment. If they're hungry, that's all that matters right now. And that's part of childhood. But what if you applied this idea to your faith life, to how it affects a relationship with the creator. What if you applied it to what rules your everyday actions. Your words. Your thoughts. And... of course, your emotions.
What's so silly? The fact that even among the faithful who KNOW the Lord is working all this for good, who KNOW he'll take care of them, and who KNOW any crisis is God's way of taking us to something greater, we still worry. We still doubt the outcome, we still stress over whether or not something will work out. So this isn't the movies, this is real life. But we still struggle with doubting God's promises even when we KNOW His love never fails. We're still caught up in the moment. We ::still::doubt::God::. wtf, mate.
The truth is, God works through the natural. Floods, plagues, miracles... were the biblical exception. Some of us look for God in the supernatural so often, that we miss the less obvious signs of grace. We look for God in the spectacular, and in turn miss the Holy Spirit. Personally, God has taken me so supernaturally into some areas and relationships in my life that when it came time to move on from them, the leaving was so natural I couldn't accept it. I couldn't see it. I was so focused on the fact that God led me to those places for some greater purpose that when those areas went from a benefit to a detriment, I missed what the Lord was calling me to move to. I looked for God in the spectacular alone. God can only work in us to the extent that we allow him to. Stop and think about that for a second. I've harped on this from previous posts for a reason... that the more alive we are in Christ, the more the Lord can do through us. The less we let Him in our lives, the less He can do. While this may be His world, His plan, His creation... it's the boundaries/walls of our decisions and faith that decide how much we can join in the celebration.
We might not be little kids anymore, but we're still God's children. We still make childish mistakes, and we still risk letting our emotions rule us. We struggle to act on principle. Women in general might be more 'emotional' beings... but really, guys are just wired to suppress it. Emotions make us reactionary in nature... and if anything, I would venture to say that men are more apt to be impulsive and reactionary than women. (of course, the exception being when a credit card is involved ;-) When we allow our emotions to rule us we open ourselves to fear taking over. And if there's one thing that can be said about fear it's that it attracts the negative... while faith attracts the positive. Faith that in crisis, God is working for us, and never against us.
"Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier" - Colin Powell
In my mind, perpetual optimism is another way of telling me to steady myself in the word of God. To not be tossed about by every attack on my emotions, to remain focused on principle and keep confessing what i KNOW to be true, as it'll only multiply the forces of good that can be realized in this life.
While I may still be on the edge of my seat in the movie theater, I can walk out the doors, and peacefully through the fields of gold, eyes closed, knowing my next steps will be on firm ground :D
Steady yourself in the Word of God.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Birth of a Language
While enjoying the sights and sounds of the 2009 Lilac Festival this past weekend, my brother an I ran into an ASL interpreter from one of his classes. Since RIT is where the NTID (National Techinical Institute for the Deaf) is based, it's not unusual for the classes to have one.
I had the chance to ask about foreign sign languages, and how barriers were bridged at conferences and other international gatherings in the deaf community. The details are fascinating, but she brought up something that blew my mind surrounding the adaptability of human beings under extreme circumstances. Helen Keller is one widely known communication example that quickly comes to mind, yes. But how about a group of deaf Nicaraguan six year olds creating their own language. Completely on their own. Out of necessity, on the playground, basically. That's freaking awesome.
An ASL linguist from MIT was called in to figure out what the kids were saying to each other... since, obviously nobody else understood them. Well, when all those young minds without the ability to communicate with anyone were thrown together in a school and expected to learn their first spoken language (Spanish) through lipreading... you can see what barriers they needed to break through :) Some details at good ol wikipedia here.
I just watched the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. While not the best sci-fi flick ever by any means, it had its points worth discussing. It had premises i'm quite familiar with from Star Trek (think TNG and Q, for you trekkies out there)... that yes, we're destructive and violent and we suck as a race, but oooooobviously we're unique and worth saving because we have the potential to grow and love that no other race posesses! The "Hey, i've got news for ya, we're not the smartest kid on the block but dang, we're pretty much the best anyways cuz of ____" is what it always seems like ;-) Heck, even The Fifth Element got self-indulgent in that area. It makes you feel good about us as a species, especially for those who haven't found their worth through Christ yet (or a number of other faiths, even). I just find this commonality in sci-fi intriguing. Maybe I sound like I'm bashing it, but only because it seems to be the fallback anytime the possibility of other races being superior comes into play.
That's one side of the coin, but the concept provides something that any sci-fi fan can relate to, and I know you trekkies can relate to... hope. That even in our darkest hour, in the face of everything tragic about human nature, when the odds are just stacked up against ya, there's hope. The movie coincidentally sent the same message as a bunch of Nicaraguan first graders did, in it's own way. The professor put it best:
"Well that's where we are. You say we're on the brink of destruction and you're right. But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment. Don't take it from us, we are close to an answer."
And that's the thing. When I eventually write that post on the book we're reading for lifegroup, it'll make more sense. But the point is that, normally, it's only in crisis that we truly change. It's only at the "precipice" in a manner of speaking. There's a lot to live by in really understanding that concept. There's a lot to be said about it. And I'll say enough.
For now, bedtime.
I had the chance to ask about foreign sign languages, and how barriers were bridged at conferences and other international gatherings in the deaf community. The details are fascinating, but she brought up something that blew my mind surrounding the adaptability of human beings under extreme circumstances. Helen Keller is one widely known communication example that quickly comes to mind, yes. But how about a group of deaf Nicaraguan six year olds creating their own language. Completely on their own. Out of necessity, on the playground, basically. That's freaking awesome.
An ASL linguist from MIT was called in to figure out what the kids were saying to each other... since, obviously nobody else understood them. Well, when all those young minds without the ability to communicate with anyone were thrown together in a school and expected to learn their first spoken language (Spanish) through lipreading... you can see what barriers they needed to break through :) Some details at good ol wikipedia here.
I just watched the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. While not the best sci-fi flick ever by any means, it had its points worth discussing. It had premises i'm quite familiar with from Star Trek (think TNG and Q, for you trekkies out there)... that yes, we're destructive and violent and we suck as a race, but oooooobviously we're unique and worth saving because we have the potential to grow and love that no other race posesses! The "Hey, i've got news for ya, we're not the smartest kid on the block but dang, we're pretty much the best anyways cuz of ____" is what it always seems like ;-) Heck, even The Fifth Element got self-indulgent in that area. It makes you feel good about us as a species, especially for those who haven't found their worth through Christ yet (or a number of other faiths, even). I just find this commonality in sci-fi intriguing. Maybe I sound like I'm bashing it, but only because it seems to be the fallback anytime the possibility of other races being superior comes into play.
That's one side of the coin, but the concept provides something that any sci-fi fan can relate to, and I know you trekkies can relate to... hope. That even in our darkest hour, in the face of everything tragic about human nature, when the odds are just stacked up against ya, there's hope. The movie coincidentally sent the same message as a bunch of Nicaraguan first graders did, in it's own way. The professor put it best:
"Well that's where we are. You say we're on the brink of destruction and you're right. But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment. Don't take it from us, we are close to an answer."
And that's the thing. When I eventually write that post on the book we're reading for lifegroup, it'll make more sense. But the point is that, normally, it's only in crisis that we truly change. It's only at the "precipice" in a manner of speaking. There's a lot to live by in really understanding that concept. There's a lot to be said about it. And I'll say enough.
For now, bedtime.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Hearts Alive
Where glory shines from hearts alive....
~Bluetree
Radio always has a "Top 40" to count down, and in the same regard most of us have some kind of current favorite we find ourselves whistling/singing on any given day. My own tends to be, lyrically, parallel to where I am in life. It's why I'm constantly amazed at how specific groups like The Goo Goo Dolls and Jars of Clay tend to consistently put out music that narrates what I'm experiencing right then. Or, i'm just crazy. Take your pick.
...from hearts alive. The whole song might speak to me, but that verse just sticks out. Probably because I've see what's possible when someone is truly alive in Christ, I've seen what's been done through those that live with praise for God on the tip of their tongues, and it just goes along with the love for Him that they show through how they live. Through what they do. Just as my thoughts on St.Francis' words a few posts ago were getting at... you can have deeds, you can have faith, but both fall short without the other. The catch here is that you can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak. Good deeds won't produce faith... but remaining fixed upon the Lord, no matter what, leads to allowing the Lord to work through us. It excites me like nothing else to see the potential in people, when they're headed the right direction. When they're headed toward accomplishing great things just because they're being obedient to Him. Because they've found His purpose. As St.Paul proclaims, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28
"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matt 19:26. Nothing is too hard for God. There's a fire that burns among the truly faithful... among those who wait upon the Lord. It's practically contagious, and it has the potential to spread like wildfire. Only, this fire doesn't burn away anything but the worthless in life. It has the power to transform a life, a community, a city. Somehow, despite thousands of years of falling short, we're meant to keep trying, to keep trusting, to throw aside doubt and believe nations can be transformed.
Are you just living, or are you alive?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
F = ma
High school taught me a lot of things, miraculously enough. It also taught me that pretty much every major physics equation can in one way or another be simplified to a form of F = ma. I wasn't the one who did a thesis on this so don't take my word for it. Such a simple equation, and yet the basis for a whole lot more.
I'm also coming to be completely awe struck at the completeness and perfection of God's message to us. There's something incomprehensibly all-encompassing and intricate in its design. No matter what the world can throw at us, within God's message lies the answer. But it all seems to point in one direction, toward one basic tenet to follow, one basic equation to solve any obstacle... that it all boils down to. Can it really be that simple? As far as I can see, here it is -
No matter what, draw near to God.
...and when necessary, use actions?
_____________________________________________
Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
~St.Francis of Assisi
_____________________________________________
This commonly used quote got me thinking, as of late. Thinking of how the word of God is spread, and how evangelism is conducted. Thinking about all the good church-goers of America, from the buckle of the bible belt all the way the corners of the continent.
How we praise the Lord inside the walls of our comfortably air conditioned chapels an hour a week is one thing, but how the Truth is spread for the other 167 hours is, shall we say, slightly important?
Currently, I strive to let my actions speak for themselves; to let the aim of being more Christ-like be made evident in the way I live. I fervently pursue that which brings me closer to Him in order to succeed in this endeavor. And I pray that the right words fall into place when and where the Lord needs to speak through me. I'm not going to say that I've got it right yet, as there's more growing to be done. There's more truth to be found. As Bluetree proclaims in the song i'm somewhat obsessed with, there's greater things to be done here. But lets take a quick look at James 2:14-26:
"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
Ok so i'm being insanely unfair thus far, as there's a HUGE portion of the Christian community that is far from that. But I'm getting at a trap that's easy to fall into... being spiritual, but falling short of truly LIVING it. Of honestly being more concerned with saving others than just saving ourselves. I'm not going to cover this topic in one forum post, nor could I do it justice. I'm just going for one thing here... living as you believe.
The ironic thing is, St.Francis was an open air preacher.
And I can look up any number of verses that make it how clear it is to preach the word... how about Mark 16:15 -
I know how relatively convenient it is to take an afternoon off, or a spring break off, and attempt to do some good in the world and spread the good news by swinging a hammer. I read an account about a group of young people walking along the street downtown, clearly not fitting in there, with bibles in their hands ready to "evangelize" the inner city; Smiles on their faces as they strutted along. Of how, ever unconsciously in these situations, we're so happy with ourselves for taking a couple hours out of our comfortable suburban life, and then returning. We've sacrificed our time, we've done good deeds. But have we, really? The point of the story was that if these people really wanted others to see Jesus, then they should sell their posessions, and go down there and live with them. To be a part of their lives. The apostles threw down their nets, their whole lives, and followed Jesus.
Christianity, and more specifically evangelism itself has been described as "one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread".
I'm not saying we should all throw our current lives away and go live in a cardboard box to be good Christians. It's inspiring to see how some extremely committed people find ways of fitting a little bit more in for others, even when they're already struggling to keep themselves afloat. I admire those with such a giving spirit. But I'm asking how much we're willing to sacrifice, when we hear the call. I'm asking where your priorities are, and if that's where you really want them. I'm asking you to not be afraid of asking. And in turn, not be afraid to act. Because it's one thing to preach the gospel, but another to live it. Both are, for lack of a stronger word, necessary.
We're living in God's world. So don't fit God into your own little box. Fit yourself into His box.
Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
~St.Francis of Assisi
_____________________________________________
This commonly used quote got me thinking, as of late. Thinking of how the word of God is spread, and how evangelism is conducted. Thinking about all the good church-goers of America, from the buckle of the bible belt all the way the corners of the continent.
How we praise the Lord inside the walls of our comfortably air conditioned chapels an hour a week is one thing, but how the Truth is spread for the other 167 hours is, shall we say, slightly important?
Currently, I strive to let my actions speak for themselves; to let the aim of being more Christ-like be made evident in the way I live. I fervently pursue that which brings me closer to Him in order to succeed in this endeavor. And I pray that the right words fall into place when and where the Lord needs to speak through me. I'm not going to say that I've got it right yet, as there's more growing to be done. There's more truth to be found. As Bluetree proclaims in the song i'm somewhat obsessed with, there's greater things to be done here. But lets take a quick look at James 2:14-26:
"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.
You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder"
We see all the good Christians that go to Church on Sunday, as if they're headed to the gas station to refill their spiritual tanks, and then get right back on the highway of life, without a second thought of how critical the 13 gallons of unleaded is to the next 350 miles. They're more concerned with what song they missed over the radio while standing at the pump.Ok so i'm being insanely unfair thus far, as there's a HUGE portion of the Christian community that is far from that. But I'm getting at a trap that's easy to fall into... being spiritual, but falling short of truly LIVING it. Of honestly being more concerned with saving others than just saving ourselves. I'm not going to cover this topic in one forum post, nor could I do it justice. I'm just going for one thing here... living as you believe.
The ironic thing is, St.Francis was an open air preacher.
And I can look up any number of verses that make it how clear it is to preach the word... how about Mark 16:15 -
And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature."
Preaching, in the bible, is very clearly translated to mean talking with someone. So honestly, the ability to actually "preach" the word of God to the world is kinda necessary. As Christians, the Great Commission (i'm too lazy to go anywhere but wikipedia, lol) is pretty important. And with it is the emphasis on evangelism, and missions work. I'm pretty sure that if I had been brought up in the church, I would be somewhere in Africa or Asia right now, lol... Well really my point is that I'm no missionary just yet, and I'm not convinced that I will ever be, only that I if i was prepared, I would never have a second thought on it. We're all given gifts to use in fulfilling His purpose for us, but that's another discussion althogether. I'm just concerned about how easy it is to sing His praise at one moment, but how quickly the song stops when it cuts into our busy little lives.I know how relatively convenient it is to take an afternoon off, or a spring break off, and attempt to do some good in the world and spread the good news by swinging a hammer. I read an account about a group of young people walking along the street downtown, clearly not fitting in there, with bibles in their hands ready to "evangelize" the inner city; Smiles on their faces as they strutted along. Of how, ever unconsciously in these situations, we're so happy with ourselves for taking a couple hours out of our comfortable suburban life, and then returning. We've sacrificed our time, we've done good deeds. But have we, really? The point of the story was that if these people really wanted others to see Jesus, then they should sell their posessions, and go down there and live with them. To be a part of their lives. The apostles threw down their nets, their whole lives, and followed Jesus.
Christianity, and more specifically evangelism itself has been described as "one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread".
I'm not saying we should all throw our current lives away and go live in a cardboard box to be good Christians. It's inspiring to see how some extremely committed people find ways of fitting a little bit more in for others, even when they're already struggling to keep themselves afloat. I admire those with such a giving spirit. But I'm asking how much we're willing to sacrifice, when we hear the call. I'm asking where your priorities are, and if that's where you really want them. I'm asking you to not be afraid of asking. And in turn, not be afraid to act. Because it's one thing to preach the gospel, but another to live it. Both are, for lack of a stronger word, necessary.
We're living in God's world. So don't fit God into your own little box. Fit yourself into His box.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
WhatWhatWhat?
When dumb forum posts are just begging for subtle answers... that are helpful, of course :)
http://lmgtfy.com/
Sunday, April 12, 2009
BOOM, The Third Day!
Apparently Easter is a good excuse to blow things up in Florence, Italy. The Scoppio del Carro Festival literally means "Explosion of the Cart". Really? Really??Fortunately it's just fireworks set off by a flaming mechanical dove from the cathedral, sent on a zipline to a 500 year old antique cart. Perfectly normal stuff. Yay holy fire!
So anyway, maybe I'm an odd one. I keep a Journal that will often center on thoughts regarding faith, and biblical reflection. Who does that? And really, how many people read this? Ok well today at least I have an excuse. ITS EASTER, PPL. Danke.
Easter Sunday. Yum... can't wait til dinner :D It brings back memories of Easter Egg hunts in the backyard (sometimes with snow ;-), tons of chocolate, and the usual family craziness. But how often we forget what we're celebrating. Pretty much the most amazing thing that ever happened.
Oh yeah, that.
Good friday marked the end of Jesus' life on earth. The son of God... died. Even the one who was without sin - even the one who deserved anything but the pain he endured - died a horribly painful death. He was willing to die for those who, literally, crucified him. How much are you willing to do for someone who can do you little good? Let alone those who want to kill you? (I hope that department is understaffed ;-))
Jesus didn't just die for our sin... he became sin. he took it from us. How much freakin weight does that bear, how much guilt... for one person, let alone the whole human race. The one who knew he was the son of God, knew what was going to happen...cried out on the cross asking why God has forsaken Him. Why??? Well, God is too pure to look upon evil... so spiritually, in a sense, God turned away from his own son for that time. Triumph over death, came at such a price.
An interesting fact here... is that in Matthew 27, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" is Jesus quoting Psalm 22, which describes the crucifixion, as He is fulfilling that prophecy. Psalm 22 was written 600 years before crucifixion was even invented.
So today, as we celebrate Easter, remember the price that was paid, and the amazing grace shown to us through His death and resurrection. As the curtain in the Jewish temple was torn, the curtain which sealed off the most Holy place to everyone except the high priest... so now the sin that separated man from God has been bridged! The veil between us and God was torn apart.
"So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!”
-Matt 27:54
The first to proclaim belief in Jesus was one who presided over and probably ordered the nails to be driven into him. The centurion was a hardened soldier who felt little remorse, or even enjoyed carrying out the execution of an innocent man, of God's own son... but is given credit throughout the ages as the first to realize the truth. God's written word shows such divine grace to even one who helped murder His son! How awesome is that grace, how awesome is such a transformation as that?
I still don't fully understand grace. But in a nutshell, God doesn't just show mercy to us, taking away punishment we deserve... we are given more instead. We are shown unmerited favor. We have the potential to fulfill His purpose for each and every one of us, if only we believe and follow Him. We strive, above all else, to be more like Christ. Christ glorified God in all that He said, an all that He did. The power of God in our lives becomes more and more apparent as we do so as well.
And so we give thanks to God's son for making this relationship with our creator possible, and our eternal salvation possible by paying our debt. Now if only He could pay off Sallie Mae for me.
Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia :)
I think, it's time to party. As Peter [Pan] might say...Bangarang.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Delay of Game
For the sake of something worth the weight it carries, it might be a little while til the next post I promised. Trust wasn't exactly the word to introduce where I'm headed with this, but it's a critical thing to live with. Trust, that God is faithful. Not that He chooses to be, but that He IS.
I feel that I should actually finish reading this book before I write more. I am constantly amazed at the grace granted to us, the miracles that take place every day, and the blessings we often take for granted.
And in between, God uses the crises we go through, and the evil we face, for His purpose. Never quit.
I feel that I should actually finish reading this book before I write more. I am constantly amazed at the grace granted to us, the miracles that take place every day, and the blessings we often take for granted.
And in between, God uses the crises we go through, and the evil we face, for His purpose. Never quit.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
o rly?
Trust, is a big word.
No, not like antidisestablishmentariani-... you get the idea. just weeding out the occasional peanut gallery literalist in the audience. Speaking of peanut galleries, feel free to g
I had an idea of what I wanted to s
Anyone here watch House MD? Well if I watched much TV, I probably would too... if I could stand even one minute of listening to
I think I'll leave that big word for an entry to come very soon. What do transposition, Colorado, satellites and Paul all have in common? Probably nothing. But they all play key roles in my next post ;-) I need some sleepz for now, kthxbai.
No, not like antidisestablishmentariani-... you get the idea. just weeding out the occasional peanut gallery literalist in the audience. Speaking of peanut galleries, feel free to g
I had an idea of what I wanted to s
Anyone here watch House MD? Well if I watched much TV, I probably would too... if I could stand even one minute of listening to
I think I'll leave that big word for an entry to come very soon. What do transposition, Colorado, satellites and Paul all have in common? Probably nothing. But they all play key roles in my next post ;-) I need some sleepz for now, kthxbai.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Right of Conscience, eh.
So I haven't written much lately, at least not in this journal. I won't go into why just now but I might just post directly on facebook notes from now on, instead of being somewhat redundant. Anywho, not exactly the issue at hand right now.
I'm a firm proponent of much that Obama stands for; a healthy portion of that respect stems from his seemingly open-minded and logical approach to fairly representing the American people's interests, as well as those beyond our borders. While I hold his thought process in high regard, none of us are going to agree 100% of the time with el presidente, regardless of who it is. But without even considering my own views on the role of our president concerning right to life issues, I think Obama's definitely getting a check minus concerning planned action against the Right of Conscience Rule.
While it's one of those eleventh hour laws slipped in before the next administration can take office, it was seeking to help protect health care professionals who refuse to provide optional services such as artificial insemination, abortion, etc. on grounds of moral/religious objection. It seems more than fair that an OB/GYN, for example, shouldn't be forced to provide care that he/she personally objects to (or face the consequences). We're not talking about an ambulance driving to the scene of an accident and refusing to save a life... we're talking about the US constitution, in all reality. I don't believe the "right" to a legal abortion should be elevated above the first amendment, which should protect the doctor from refusing to perform one given religious beliefs, for example. Not to mention conflict with the hippocratic oath.
Nobody can pretend to ignore that it was a law enacted by a pro-life administration (a hypocritical administration in that area...lets not go there), but it was addressing a common sense right that didn't really need to be protected until recent times, where we now live in a society polarized on this as it is.
Obama is seeking to repeal the rule. Doctor's and nurses will just be placed back under the potential fire of being discriminated against if they refuse to perform a procedure. If I had a buck for every time I know of someone that said "well I could have this done but my doc won't do it because _____ might cause ________" then, well, you get the picture.
The rule may be somewhat vague and could be better worded, but I somehow doubt a revision and re-enactment of the same protections are planned.
Well kiddies i've gotta run. But just a thought for today.
I'm a firm proponent of much that Obama stands for; a healthy portion of that respect stems from his seemingly open-minded and logical approach to fairly representing the American people's interests, as well as those beyond our borders. While I hold his thought process in high regard, none of us are going to agree 100% of the time with el presidente, regardless of who it is. But without even considering my own views on the role of our president concerning right to life issues, I think Obama's definitely getting a check minus concerning planned action against the Right of Conscience Rule.
While it's one of those eleventh hour laws slipped in before the next administration can take office, it was seeking to help protect health care professionals who refuse to provide optional services such as artificial insemination, abortion, etc. on grounds of moral/religious objection. It seems more than fair that an OB/GYN, for example, shouldn't be forced to provide care that he/she personally objects to (or face the consequences). We're not talking about an ambulance driving to the scene of an accident and refusing to save a life... we're talking about the US constitution, in all reality. I don't believe the "right" to a legal abortion should be elevated above the first amendment, which should protect the doctor from refusing to perform one given religious beliefs, for example. Not to mention conflict with the hippocratic oath.
Nobody can pretend to ignore that it was a law enacted by a pro-life administration (a hypocritical administration in that area...lets not go there), but it was addressing a common sense right that didn't really need to be protected until recent times, where we now live in a society polarized on this as it is.
Obama is seeking to repeal the rule. Doctor's and nurses will just be placed back under the potential fire of being discriminated against if they refuse to perform a procedure. If I had a buck for every time I know of someone that said "well I could have this done but my doc won't do it because _____ might cause ________" then, well, you get the picture.
The rule may be somewhat vague and could be better worded, but I somehow doubt a revision and re-enactment of the same protections are planned.
Well kiddies i've gotta run. But just a thought for today.
Friday, February 13, 2009
V-Day
It's a whole new ballgame this time around.
I've spent a number of Valentine's Days without someone. Well, relatively few have been set for romance, but it's been an occasion that's fallen on times I was happily single, extremely happily taken, hopeful, or not far removed from a previous relationship. I've seen the spectrum, and had a few I could actually express my feelings during. And yet in the past, regardless of status the day itself didn't affect me much other than to give me a good excuse to plan something for someone when the timing was good. I figured... kinda made up holiday, and I can be romantic any day of the year I choose. I won't be tied to cultural expectations of this particular day, basically ;-)
But something's just tough about this one, when it never was before. I just want to spend an unplanned random day with that special someone, maybe a road trip to start, then at the very least a candle-lit dinner before dancing the night away. I guess I mentioned it in my "25 things", but I just want the chance to be creatively romantic again... I shortchanged so many occasions before, and it's been so long. I'm tired of feeling either discouraged or unable. Not looking forward to more of the same. it makes one realize how important it is to make the times you can, count.
It's funny because up to now, I've shied away from dancing with anyone but the girl I was enamored with or dating. It just didn't feel right. So I never learned ballroom, salsa, swing, whatever, on top of slow dancing. I even went through a phase where I thought dancing was pointless... probably because I'm not good at it ;-). (The kind of "dancing" people do at clubs still bothers me, that's the only exception.) Anyway, I still hoped I'd find someone that would want to learn with me. Any upcoming girl is going to have to want to!
It's been joked that tomorrow is "singles awareness day", haha true, true for us. This one's different, this one's finally harder to handle than just the frustration of being away from someone I care about. I can at least now chalk up knowing what it's like. But I hold no animosity to those that have a Valentine, and I hope it's a good one for many :)
I've spent a number of Valentine's Days without someone. Well, relatively few have been set for romance, but it's been an occasion that's fallen on times I was happily single, extremely happily taken, hopeful, or not far removed from a previous relationship. I've seen the spectrum, and had a few I could actually express my feelings during. And yet in the past, regardless of status the day itself didn't affect me much other than to give me a good excuse to plan something for someone when the timing was good. I figured... kinda made up holiday, and I can be romantic any day of the year I choose. I won't be tied to cultural expectations of this particular day, basically ;-)
But something's just tough about this one, when it never was before. I just want to spend an unplanned random day with that special someone, maybe a road trip to start, then at the very least a candle-lit dinner before dancing the night away. I guess I mentioned it in my "25 things", but I just want the chance to be creatively romantic again... I shortchanged so many occasions before, and it's been so long. I'm tired of feeling either discouraged or unable. Not looking forward to more of the same. it makes one realize how important it is to make the times you can, count.
It's funny because up to now, I've shied away from dancing with anyone but the girl I was enamored with or dating. It just didn't feel right. So I never learned ballroom, salsa, swing, whatever, on top of slow dancing. I even went through a phase where I thought dancing was pointless... probably because I'm not good at it ;-). (The kind of "dancing" people do at clubs still bothers me, that's the only exception.) Anyway, I still hoped I'd find someone that would want to learn with me. Any upcoming girl is going to have to want to!
It's been joked that tomorrow is "singles awareness day", haha true, true for us. This one's different, this one's finally harder to handle than just the frustration of being away from someone I care about. I can at least now chalk up knowing what it's like. But I hold no animosity to those that have a Valentine, and I hope it's a good one for many :)
Flight 3407
Thoughts and prayers with those aboard, and loved ones on the ground :(
I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.
Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.
Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.
Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.
Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.
I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.
Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.
Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.
Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.
Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
By Your Side.
Using Youtube cuz it's the best way to link here. But I just love this song. That's all that can be said.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Four Seven
But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God
and not from us.
~2 Cor 4:7
So I might start sounding a little obsessed with the band Jars of Clay, but it just hit me why the hidden track is titled "Four Seven".... the verse above. Kinda like looking at the Fedex logo and finally seeing the arrow between the e and the x. Duh.
Where was I back in seventh grade when everyone else was obsessed with Flood? Apparently not paying close enough attention. Seems to go along with a lot in my life up to this point.
Read all of 2 Corinthians 4. We are but earthen vessels... cracked, broken, dirty. Nothing more ordinary and common than a jar of clay in biblical times. But we also have this treasure, the light of Christ to shine from within. A power that could not come from ourselves; from ordinary jars. the power must come from somewhere else... something greater. The clay will one day shatter and turn to dust, but the power remains. Why the heck would God put the treasure in such a frail place? Or why would he have His own son born in a manger for that matter?
Extraordinary power, from an ordinary place. So where should the focus be? Not on ourselves, but on the source of power. It's such a challenge to see past the humanity, or human condition if you will, sometimes. You'd think the treasure would be put in pots of silver or gold. But how would that encourage needing more. God could become an afterthought.
A glistening pot can be tarnished, but a dirty vessel made clean.
I sometimes sound like I'm going for some kind of sermon... so I kept it short. Just a little excited I suppose.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...
~2 Cor 4:17-18
Thursday, January 22, 2009
resonant frequencies
You know, if there's one thing that's bugged me since I was, oh, half my current age, it's that I never took up piano lessons. What am I thinking with learning the guitar on my last post?
There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.
I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.
So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)
From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)
There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.
I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.
So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)
From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)
Friday, January 09, 2009
Lists
Since graduation, I have an insane amount of time (which is driving me insane) to do things with. Anyone out there with a life that surrenders little time to sleep, TRUST ME, from someone that needs to be productive, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. But outside of work...
To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.
Rick's "To Do" List,
To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.
Rick's "To Do" List,
- Read the Bible, all of it. (obviously not just for the sake of completion ;-)
- be conversational in Italian. Heck, i can get practice anytime just by dropping by my dad's club.
- Learn to cook a good amount of the amazing food i'm spoiled with at home...
- learn to play guitar, and sing more.
- defeat the decepticons, use my powers for good instead of evil.
- continue with this list in a more serious manner.
- serve in some ministry for the community... i.e. habitat.
- Be in better physical shape/health than I was even in HS.
- ...TBD
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Nothing is real 'til it's gone. v2
It seems like God found every little way to give us a chance, but we found every little way to run from living in that light.
It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.
Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.
It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.
For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.
I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".
And yet we didn't.
And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.
For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.
I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.
I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.
Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.
All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.
I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.
Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.
But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.
We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.
After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.
I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.
All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.
But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.
I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.
It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.
Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.
It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.
For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.
I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".
And yet we didn't.
And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.
For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.
I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.
I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.
Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.
All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.
I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.
Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.
But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.
We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.
After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.
I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.
All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.
But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.
I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.
I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Burried beneath all the lies.
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes.
And hold on before it's too late.
We'll run 'til we leave this behind.
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.
And the risk that might break you's
The one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone.
-GGD
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