Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~James 1:2-4Trials have a way of bringing me back to reflection and honest benchmarking of where I'm at. Before I get critical, I can say that the past year has woven so many blessings into the fabric of my story and repaired so many frayed strands that I don't even know which corner to begin describing first. I am so lucky that more than once I've asked myself when reality is going to finally set in.
What's prompted this entry is nothing short of a breakthrough. I'm finally getting some healthy perspective on a huge issue in my life. I'll attempt the concise version of this story... or not. Here goes ;-)
I've been deceiving myself for years on what's been my biggest struggle. I haven't been able to look fully at what has kept me from 'accomplishment' in so many ways. And it's a huge burden of regret... because it's something I can control.... well not completely, but there's so much I can.
It begins in Elementary school. Most likely 1st thru 3rd grade. Did anyone else's class have a stack of dittos they had to complete every day before lunch? It was probably no more than a couple hours' worth of work, but given the attention span of a third grader, it felt like all morning. At that point in my life I was incredibly unchallenged at school; having the reading level of a 12th grader and constantly raising my hand because I knew the answer to everything... I was an uber-nerd. To keep myself challenged, another classmate and I would have this unspoken competition to see who could get their stack of dittos done the quickest. We'd be glancing over at eat other every now and then, eager to see how far we were in relation to the other. It was a mad rush to complete the spelling, grammar, math, reading, etc, walk triumphantly up to the teachers' desk, and make our way back in triumph to get more break time than everyone else; especially my competition. Truthfully, I was probably beaten most of the time, but was never third. It was fun, and I felt accomplished by this.
Fast forward to Middle School, and on to High School... where my perfectionist tendencies took over and the quality of my work became an obsession at the expense of ever-growing demand for speed. It became apparent in Music, Art, Soccer, etc. where deadlines and speed of work/play mattered more and more. I became discouraged... because I was no longer the quickest or most talented of the group. I stuck with what I valued most... the quality of my work. I excelled at interpretation of a solo, for example, but playing speed was a struggle. Same with soccer... tactically I was sound, but my speed of play and vision were lacking. I began to silently protest the "need for speed" as it were, because it started feeling like something I couldn't keep up with everything else at. I did just enough at each area of my life I was involved in to succeed, but the spirit of excelling at what I do was gone with spreading myself so thin.
So on into college, where I was highly distracted emotionally and socially, and you can see where my decline in efficiency would hinder my ability to excel with a high workload. Truthfully, it only got worse when I graduated, and I was once again highly emotionally compromised... it's in those times I lack the motivation to work harder. As many a journal post revealed in the past few years, I began the process of wiping the slate clean on my life to escape the associations of everything I had previously loved and pursued, everything aside from God... whom I had put on the backburner.
When it all comes down to it, there's a combination of things that have brought me to my current state of idleness, inefficiency, and lack of speed. The combination of being still to hear the Lord's call on my life and wait upon his instructions, along with constant discouragement and emotional distraction made it easy for me to just take it easy, and not worry. Just to trust. While my progress in being remade as a follower of Christ and actually trusting in His guidance has been amazing, my daily habitual patterns and work ethic have remained in a sad, sad state. Mainly because I feel like I have nothing of worth to work on, but mostly because I was sick of devoting myself to dead-end ventures.
So I like to work methodically, and thoroughly... I am know for my attention to detail. This comes at the expense of what I can accomplish on any given day. Not only that, but the hours I spend in distracted reflection of things on my mind and unconsciously being sucked into addictions. Nothing serious... but over the years it's been everything from my constant curiosity of google-ing anything i'm interested in, facebooking, occasional games, and deal searching. I have wasted so many hours online with unnecessary things, it's staggering. And I was ok with it for the time being, because I was waiting on God to show me where to focus myself.
On top of it all, in protest to the way society is heading socially and in the workplace, i've intentionally slowed down my social interactions and work ethic. I didn't want to get caught up in the rat race, as it were... with instantaneous gratification and impatience starting to run rampant everywhere from email/text replies to projects. I no longer wanted to miss important things in life by being too caught up in mydaily work. People are getting so caught up in the speed at which society is demanding our attention that i've done what I can to not let those things rule me. And as a result, i've allowed myself to be inefficient in my work, and daily tasks. My speed at which I accomplish or at least get to most things in life these days is significantly less than other people I know. And I don't prioritize as well as I used to. When others around me are working abnormally fast (and I know they're trying to set an example) I tend to slow down as a result... as if to say "that's nice, but it's not something of value to me".
If I was mentally limited... then this would just be in my nature and something to be embraced for what it is. But this past year has revealed the damage my decisions have caused. I didn't think it was a problem, for so long. Sure, I've been eternally frustrated by my inability to fit music lessons into my time. My inability to stay in shape, or my inability to read the books on my long list... and my inability to do a number of other things I've wanted to accomplish in good time. I see my friends that manage to fit these things, a full time job, and social time all into their week and I wonder where I'm going wrong. At RIT I work quickly enough that I accomplish everything in good time, and I've been told how sorry some are that I have to go. But I don't work quickly enough to get to extra projects... I've always paced myself so that everything gets done right in time. Rarely early.
But what truly broke me wasn't the knowledge that I could do so much more.
It was the realization that i was robbing God of the time He's given me.
I was doing less than I was made for. I could live with selling myself short...
But I can't live with selling Him short.
The Lord hasn't shown me His calling for my life... He hasn't revealed where He needs me to move. How he wants me to move... and it's given me good reason to be still, and stay still. I need his call before I can act, and before I can commit. Perhaps I've been looking at it all wrong for so long, and perhaps I haven't been entrusted with the call because I haven't trusted... and committed... to Him.
It makes so much sense why He's let me struggle in finding time to read His word, and seek his wisdom daily. Why I haven't made time to study or pray anywhere near as much as I've wanted to. I've persevered by slowing down and reflecting more on God... literally, being more still in my pursuit to hear His will and call for my life because I had spent too many years just trying to achieve it by my own power. But not by IMMERSING myself in His word... just beign surrounded by Godly things. I stopped and was still, but for too long. I see now how I took that to an extreme; and it became relative idleness. I've worried so much that I'd continue working at things that got me nowhere that I've been discouraged from working harder on the things before me. It was good for healing and refocusing, for a time, but it's become detrimental. My lack of passion due to these habits, lack of direction, and my inefficiency has been robbing me of relationship with Him, and robbing Him of the ability to work in me as much as He would like to. 28 years old and I'm still struggling to hear what His call is on my life. I have an overwhelming gut feeling that He has so much for me to do, and a message to send to the world... or at least the place in which I'm meant to shine His light anmong the people. Unacceptable.
On top of this, it's been poignantly obvious among my friends in college and even now how much I value the people in my life for their work ethic. I need to be around people who are focused, motivated, and inspired in their lives in what they do and how they serve the Lord. I feel at home around highly effective and expressive people... because I was once that way, when I had a vision for my life; and it was my mindset as well. But what am I doing there if I'm not really among them in the way I live. It's no different with what sets a girl apart when I like her, and what is very attractive to me... women who know who they are as a child of God, what the Lord has called them to, and are passionately seeking it. I miss that in myself, and I want to be found in that place as well with someone. Completely engaged and seeking His will together, and helping each other in that mission. Those who make the most of their time, and live in the joy of His blessings. How can I ever expect to be a true companion to a woman like that someday if our work ethic and approach to life's issues are fundamentally different. I'm robbing God of what He wants for me... and I might be robbing my future family. I wouldn't be ready now for the relationship I'm looking for, let alone be a leader in the family I'll hopefully have someday, God willing.
The work ethic has been a casualty in my search for what His calling is for me. I've been seeking it since I was barely in grade school; and to this day I'm still seeking. I've learned that the greatest purpose in life is to glorify God in what we do and how we love others, but the gut feeling i've had all these years, the most engrained thing in who I am is that I have a message to share to the world; something to accomplish beyond the American dream. Something His people need. Whenever the prospect of "settling down" with a wife and kids and a job and not being sent out for more than (just?) that is suffocating. It's a feeling of selling myself and God short.
Ecclesiastes 12-14 has troubled me enough, stating:
"I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind."But I can't shake that there's something specific the Lord has intended for me to work on in my life, and not by myself. Something I haven't figured out yet at 28. And something that has effectively kept me from levels of commitment or even being able to be fully committed and in companionship with someone. We'd need to work alongside each other, to some extent, at least.... if not fully devoted to the same call. But i'm still relatively aimless. I don't qualify yet, to put it simply. I won't let myself chase after the wind, so to speak, and without God's call, i've been chasing after a Love that's just as futile. It makes past relationships feel like something that could have worked if I had been ready... although I know that's silly thinking.
Now that I somewhat understand the folly, my efficiency and focus is being reborn. I'm no longer afraid of being caught up in what I feared would happen if I moved quicker. I see the fruits of this perseverance in the lives of those around me, and most of them have found real balance.
And an unsharpened, idle mind has been emotionally dangerous. This makes the current moment all the more urgent for a change. I've encouraged it by feeling like I need to just 'receive' His word rather than work of my own wisdom. I want to let the Lord speak into my life... and I won't really move until that happens. But I've given 50% to everything else as a result, and that's wasting what He's put right in front of me to do.
I've already made so much more time... what a relief. With a possible full-time position and grad school on the horizon; this past year has been full of perfect timing.
I'll continue to persevere at a new pace; knowing my yarn and pattern will never do justice in covering God's plan for my life. But with persistent practice, the design can only get better :)
