Remember when things weren't digital?

for any S-port peeps browsing, Hamlin Beach Picnic 2005

I'm kinda bummed i wasn't born around 1988. Not for any other reason other than the fact that I would have had a digital camera in high school. (on the flip side, I would have missed growing up with 90's music, and that's just plain unacceptable.) There's boxes and boxes of old family photos and albums stored away, but it wasn't as common back then to be lugging around anything more than a Kodak disposable, and inconvenient to bring a bulky/fragile 35mm everywhere. You had to be picky about what shots you took, and I remember the worry of if we had enough rolls of film for our Kodak Advantix Camera with us in Italy, haha. I just picked out a Canon SD780 IS for my bro and not only does it take HD video, but it's smaller than most wallets.

A few other events are posted on picasa too. This'll be a gradual process. Check back every now and then.

Harvest

Latest Album!: http://picasaweb.google.com/ricki.n.pavia/BenKristenSWedding#

I've discovered that the better life seemingly is, the more I want to capture it on camera. Little wonder I took 700 pics during this weekend back in 2006.

I could have posted them on facebook, but you might have noticed that I'm looking to put them elsewhere from here on out. The pics in Ben + Kris's album are full resolution, if you enlarge them. Facebook not only takes forever to upload them, but they're basically thumbnails in my book. Unfortunately, it'll just reach less people here on picasa due to a lack of tagging, but those who care to see will find their way to them I suppose. I pared it down to 180 pics, whew. If I included the videos, it would probably take up all my alotted space, haha.

Looking back, It's starting to hit me how significant this occasion was for me. No, not on the scale of how insanely special it was for the newlyweds :), but it was at a turning point in my life. it was at the pinnacle of things I only anticipated to keep going. I didn't see it then. There were two roads I could have taken, but little did I realize how unprepared I was for the one I longed to follow. How little attention did I pay to what I saw unfolding. It would be unwise for me to discuss here all that came to be, in the thoughts and observations of the man behind the camera. I'd rather look back and smile at how blessed I was to be a part of the new life my friends were about to embark upon. It was a magical time :)

Faith promises that the greatest days are still to come, in spite of what's unwound since then. My eyes have been opened to the truth of so much more to be found, so much more to be done.

But I don't intend to do it alone. And I know the Lord doesn't intend for any of us to live life alone, in any regard. The best pictures are those that capture relationship in motion, for a good reason.

Life has it's seasons. And like every autumn, life has it's harvest season too. The funny thing about the harvest is that sowing, watering, and cultivating kinda come before the reaping. The seeds are planted... and the grain isn't ready by morning. Not even close. There's also a place where we must allow God to do some weeding too. Don't forget that step, or there might not be much left to harvest in the end. I remember when I was a kid, and some weeds looked like the coolest plants... I'm glad I wasn't the one taking care of the garden yet or I might have taken out what was meant to stay, and left the rest to grow wild.

I took around 10,000 pics in 2 years time, since that summer of Ben & Kris's Wedding. In the past year, maybe a couple hundred at best. It's proportional to some very important aspects of my life.

I have a feeling the harvest season is coming again... tho the seeds are still being sown. There's little to show for it on my albums, but so much happens before new plantings find their way to the sunlight. There's much watering and cultivating to be done.

The harvest will come, in God's time. And grown from the children who didn't know the wheat from the weeds, we'll learn to reap, together, and know the goodness of the Lord :D

Super(natural)

Suspense in movies... is silly.

Some of us watch dozens of films in any given year. As always, the good ones tend to keep us on the edge of our seat, holding our breath (figuratively or literally) and hoping the good guy makes it out alive. Wondering if the lovebirds will find a way past all the obstacles between them. And cheering for the underdog.

But WHY? We all know it's going to work out in the end. What's the worry? While watching Taken... did I have any doubt that Liam Neeson was going to find his daughter alive, kill the bad guys, and rescue her? (And don't give me any crap for spoilers, that doesn't qualify given the nature of this post!) But I promise there's no more mention of specific movies for me to ruin here ;-) And yet as the movie progressed, I still found myself caught up in the risks being taken... caught up in the moment.

We all find ourselves there... caught up in the moment. Some of us more often than others. It seems the younger you are, though, the more it rules you. Spend some time with a 3 or 4 year old. How quickly their concerns can change from moment to moment. If they're hungry, that's all that matters right now. And that's part of childhood. But what if you applied this idea to your faith life, to how it affects a relationship with the creator. What if you applied it to what rules your everyday actions. Your words. Your thoughts. And... of course, your emotions.

What's so silly? The fact that even among the faithful who KNOW the Lord is working all this for good, who KNOW he'll take care of them, and who KNOW any crisis is God's way of taking us to something greater, we still worry. We still doubt the outcome, we still stress over whether or not something will work out. So this isn't the movies, this is real life. But we still struggle with doubting God's promises even when we KNOW His love never fails. We're still caught up in the moment. We ::still::doubt::God::. wtf, mate.

The truth is, God works through the natural. Floods, plagues, miracles... were the biblical exception. Some of us look for God in the supernatural so often, that we miss the less obvious signs of grace. We look for God in the spectacular, and in turn miss the Holy Spirit. Personally, God has taken me so supernaturally into some areas and relationships in my life that when it came time to move on from them, the leaving was so natural I couldn't accept it. I couldn't see it. I was so focused on the fact that God led me to those places for some greater purpose that when those areas went from a benefit to a detriment, I missed what the Lord was calling me to move to. I looked for God in the spectacular alone. God can only work in us to the extent that we allow him to. Stop and think about that for a second. I've harped on this from previous posts for a reason... that the more alive we are in Christ, the more the Lord can do through us. The less we let Him in our lives, the less He can do. While this may be His world, His plan, His creation... it's the boundaries/walls of our decisions and faith that decide how much we can join in the celebration.

We might not be little kids anymore, but we're still God's children. We still make childish mistakes, and we still risk letting our emotions rule us. We struggle to act on principle. Women in general might be more 'emotional' beings... but really, guys are just wired to suppress it. Emotions make us reactionary in nature... and if anything, I would venture to say that men are more apt to be impulsive and reactionary than women. (of course, the exception being when a credit card is involved ;-) When we allow our emotions to rule us we open ourselves to fear taking over. And if there's one thing that can be said about fear it's that it attracts the negative... while faith attracts the positive. Faith that in crisis, God is working for us, and never against us.

"Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier" - Colin Powell

In my mind, perpetual optimism is another way of telling me to steady myself in the word of God. To not be tossed about by every attack on my emotions, to remain focused on principle and keep confessing what i KNOW to be true, as it'll only multiply the forces of good that can be realized in this life.

While I may still be on the edge of my seat in the movie theater, I can walk out the doors, and peacefully through the fields of gold, eyes closed, knowing my next steps will be on firm ground :D

Steady yourself in the Word of God.

Birth of a Language

While enjoying the sights and sounds of the 2009 Lilac Festival this past weekend, my brother an I ran into an ASL interpreter from one of his classes. Since RIT is where the NTID (National Techinical Institute for the Deaf) is based, it's not unusual for the classes to have one.

I had the chance to ask about foreign sign languages, and how barriers were bridged at conferences and other international gatherings in the deaf community. The details are fascinating, but she brought up something that blew my mind surrounding the adaptability of human beings under extreme circumstances. Helen Keller is one widely known communication example that quickly comes to mind, yes. But how about a group of deaf Nicaraguan six year olds creating their own language. Completely on their own. Out of necessity, on the playground, basically. That's freaking awesome.

An ASL linguist from MIT was called in to figure out what the kids were saying to each other... since, obviously nobody else understood them. Well, when all those young minds without the ability to communicate with anyone were thrown together in a school and expected to learn their first spoken language (Spanish) through lipreading... you can see what barriers they needed to break through :) Some details at good ol wikipedia here.

I just watched the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. While not the best sci-fi flick ever by any means, it had its points worth discussing. It had premises i'm quite familiar with from Star Trek (think TNG and Q, for you trekkies out there)... that yes, we're destructive and violent and we suck as a race, but oooooobviously we're unique and worth saving because we have the potential to grow and love that no other race posesses! The "Hey, i've got news for ya, we're not the smartest kid on the block but dang, we're pretty much the best anyways cuz of ____" is what it always seems like ;-) Heck, even The Fifth Element got self-indulgent in that area. It makes you feel good about us as a species, especially for those who haven't found their worth through Christ yet (or a number of other faiths, even). I just find this commonality in sci-fi intriguing. Maybe I sound like I'm bashing it, but only because it seems to be the fallback anytime the possibility of other races being superior comes into play.

That's one side of the coin, but the concept provides something that any sci-fi fan can relate to, and I know you trekkies can relate to... hope. That even in our darkest hour, in the face of everything tragic about human nature, when the odds are just stacked up against ya, there's hope. The movie coincidentally sent the same message as a bunch of Nicaraguan first graders did, in it's own way. The professor put it best:

"Well that's where we are. You say we're on the brink of destruction and you're right. But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve. This is our moment. Don't take it from us, we are close to an answer."

And that's the thing. When I eventually write that post on the book we're reading for lifegroup, it'll make more sense. But the point is that, normally, it's only in crisis that we truly change. It's only at the "precipice" in a manner of speaking. There's a lot to live by in really understanding that concept. There's a lot to be said about it. And I'll say enough.

For now, bedtime.

Hearts Alive

Where glory shines from hearts alive....

~Bluetree

Radio always has a "Top 40" to count down, and in the same regard most of us have some kind of current favorite we find ourselves whistling/singing on any given day. My own tends to be, lyrically, parallel to where I am in life. It's why I'm constantly amazed at how specific groups like The Goo Goo Dolls and Jars of Clay tend to consistently put out music that narrates what I'm experiencing right then. Or, i'm just crazy. Take your pick.

...from hearts alive. The whole song might speak to me, but that verse just sticks out. Probably because I've see what's possible when someone is truly alive in Christ, I've seen what's been done through those that live with praise for God on the tip of their tongues, and it just goes along with the love for Him that they show through how they live. Through what they do. Just as my thoughts on St.Francis' words a few posts ago were getting at... you can have deeds, you can have faith, but both fall short without the other. The catch here is that you can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak. Good deeds won't produce faith... but remaining fixed upon the Lord, no matter what, leads to allowing the Lord to work through us. It excites me like nothing else to see the potential in people, when they're headed the right direction. When they're headed toward accomplishing great things just because they're being obedient to Him. Because they've found His purpose. As St.Paul proclaims, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matt 19:26. Nothing is too hard for God. There's a fire that burns among the truly faithful... among those who wait upon the Lord. It's practically contagious, and it has the potential to spread like wildfire. Only, this fire doesn't burn away anything but the worthless in life. It has the power to transform a life, a community, a city. Somehow, despite thousands of years of falling short, we're meant to keep trying, to keep trusting, to throw aside doubt and believe nations can be transformed.

Are you just living, or are you alive?

F = ma

High school taught me a lot of things, miraculously enough. It also taught me that pretty much every major physics equation can in one way or another be simplified to a form of F = ma. I wasn't the one who did a thesis on this so don't take my word for it. Such a simple equation, and yet the basis for a whole lot more.

I'm also coming to be completely awe struck at the completeness and perfection of God's message to us. There's something incomprehensibly all-encompassing and intricate in its design. No matter what the world can throw at us, within God's message lies the answer. But it all seems to point in one direction, toward one basic tenet to follow, one basic equation to solve any obstacle... that it all boils down to. Can it really be that simple? As far as I can see, here it is -

No matter what, draw near to God.

...and when necessary, use actions?

_____________________________________________

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
~St.Francis of Assisi
_____________________________________________

This commonly used quote got me thinking, as of late. Thinking of how the word of God is spread, and how evangelism is conducted. Thinking about all the good church-goers of America, from the buckle of the bible belt all the way the corners of the continent.

How we praise the Lord inside the walls of our comfortably air conditioned chapels an hour a week is one thing, but how the Truth is spread for the other 167 hours is, shall we say, slightly important?

Currently, I strive to let my actions speak for themselves; to let the aim of being more Christ-like be made evident in the way I live. I fervently pursue that which brings me closer to Him in order to succeed in this endeavor. And I pray that the right words fall into place when and where the Lord needs to speak through me. I'm not going to say that I've got it right yet, as there's more growing to be done. There's more truth to be found. As Bluetree proclaims in the song i'm somewhat obsessed with, there's greater things to be done here. But lets take a quick look at James 2:14-26:

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder"

We see all the good Christians that go to Church on Sunday, as if they're headed to the gas station to refill their spiritual tanks, and then get right back on the highway of life, without a second thought of how critical the 13 gallons of unleaded is to the next 350 miles. They're more concerned with what song they missed over the radio while standing at the pump.

Ok so i'm being insanely unfair thus far, as there's a HUGE portion of the Christian community that is far from that. But I'm getting at a trap that's easy to fall into... being spiritual, but falling short of truly LIVING it. Of honestly being more concerned with saving others than just saving ourselves. I'm not going to cover this topic in one forum post, nor could I do it justice. I'm just going for one thing here... living as you believe.

The ironic thing is, St.Francis was an open air preacher.

And I can look up any number of verses that make it how clear it is to preach the word... how about Mark 16:15 -

And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature."

Preaching, in the bible, is very clearly translated to mean talking with someone. So honestly, the ability to actually "preach" the word of God to the world is kinda necessary. As Christians, the Great Commission (i'm too lazy to go anywhere but wikipedia, lol) is pretty important. And with it is the emphasis on evangelism, and missions work. I'm pretty sure that if I had been brought up in the church, I would be somewhere in Africa or Asia right now, lol... Well really my point is that I'm no missionary just yet, and I'm not convinced that I will ever be, only that I if i was prepared, I would never have a second thought on it. We're all given gifts to use in fulfilling His purpose for us, but that's another discussion althogether. I'm just concerned about how easy it is to sing His praise at one moment, but how quickly the song stops when it cuts into our busy little lives.

I know how relatively convenient it is to take an afternoon off, or a spring break off, and attempt to do some good in the world and spread the good news by swinging a hammer. I read an account about a group of young people walking along the street downtown, clearly not fitting in there, with bibles in their hands ready to "evangelize" the inner city; Smiles on their faces as they strutted along. Of how, ever unconsciously in these situations, we're so happy with ourselves for taking a couple hours out of our comfortable suburban life, and then returning. We've sacrificed our time, we've done good deeds. But have we, really? The point of the story was that if these people really wanted others to see Jesus, then they should sell their posessions, and go down there and live with them. To be a part of their lives. The apostles threw down their nets, their whole lives, and followed Jesus.

Christianity, and more specifically evangelism itself has been described as "one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread".

I'm not saying we should all throw our current lives away and go live in a cardboard box to be good Christians. It's inspiring to see how some extremely committed people find ways of fitting a little bit more in for others, even when they're already struggling to keep themselves afloat. I admire those with such a giving spirit. But I'm asking how much we're willing to sacrifice, when we hear the call. I'm asking where your priorities are, and if that's where you really want them. I'm asking you to not be afraid of asking. And in turn, not be afraid to act. Because it's one thing to preach the gospel, but another to live it. Both are, for lack of a stronger word, necessary.

We're living in God's world. So don't fit God into your own little box. Fit yourself into His box.

WhatWhatWhat?

When dumb forum posts are just begging for subtle answers... that are helpful, of course :)

http://lmgtfy.com/

BOOM, The Third Day!

Apparently Easter is a good excuse to blow things up in Florence, Italy. The Scoppio del Carro Festival literally means "Explosion of the Cart". Really? Really??

Fortunately it's just fireworks set off by a flaming mechanical dove from the cathedral, sent on a zipline to a 500 year old antique cart. Perfectly normal stuff. Yay holy fire!

So anyway, maybe I'm an odd one. I keep a Journal that will often center on thoughts regarding faith, and biblical reflection. Who does that? And really, how many people read this? Ok well today at least I have an excuse. ITS EASTER, PPL. Danke.


Easter Sunday. Yum... can't wait til dinner :D It brings back memories of Easter Egg hunts in the backyard (sometimes with snow ;-), tons of chocolate, and the usual family craziness. But how often we forget what we're celebrating. Pretty much the most amazing thing that ever happened.

Oh yeah, that.

Good friday marked the end of Jesus' life on earth. The son of God... died. Even the one who was without sin - even the one who deserved anything but the pain he endured - died a horribly painful death. He was willing to die for those who, literally, crucified him. How much are you willing to do for someone who can do you little good? Let alone those who want to kill you? (I hope that department is understaffed ;-))

Jesus didn't just die for our sin... he became sin. he took it from us. How much freakin weight does that bear, how much guilt... for one person, let alone the whole human race. The one who knew he was the son of God, knew what was going to happen...cried out on the cross asking why God has forsaken Him. Why??? Well, God is too pure to look upon evil... so spiritually, in a sense, God turned away from his own son for that time. Triumph over death, came at such a price.

An interesting fact here... is that in Matthew 27, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" is Jesus quoting Psalm 22, which describes the crucifixion, as He is fulfilling that prophecy. Psalm 22 was written 600 years before crucifixion was even invented.

So today, as we celebrate Easter, remember the price that was paid, and the amazing grace shown to us through His death and resurrection. As the curtain in the Jewish temple was torn, the curtain which sealed off the most Holy place to everyone except the high priest... so now the sin that separated man from God has been bridged! The veil between us and God was torn apart.

"So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!”
-Matt 27:54

The first to proclaim belief in Jesus was one who presided over and probably ordered the nails to be driven into him. The centurion was a hardened soldier who felt little remorse, or even enjoyed carrying out the execution of an innocent man, of God's own son... but is given credit throughout the ages as the first to realize the truth. God's written word shows such divine grace to even one who helped murder His son! How awesome is that grace, how awesome is such a transformation as that?

I still don't fully understand grace. But in a nutshell, God doesn't just show mercy to us, taking away punishment we deserve... we are given more instead. We are shown unmerited favor. We have the potential to fulfill His purpose for each and every one of us, if only we believe and follow Him. We strive, above all else, to be more like Christ. Christ glorified God in all that He said, an all that He did. The power of God in our lives becomes more and more apparent as we do so as well.

And so we give thanks to God's son for making this relationship with our creator possible, and our eternal salvation possible by paying our debt. Now if only He could pay off Sallie Mae for me.

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia :)

I think, it's time to party. As Peter [Pan] might say...Bangarang.

Best. Ever.

And yet somehow, Genesis is slightly more accurate ;-)

Delay of Game

For the sake of something worth the weight it carries, it might be a little while til the next post I promised. Trust wasn't exactly the word to introduce where I'm headed with this, but it's a critical thing to live with. Trust, that God is faithful. Not that He chooses to be, but that He IS.

I feel that I should actually finish reading this book before I write more. I am constantly amazed at the grace granted to us, the miracles that take place every day, and the blessings we often take for granted.

And in between, God uses the crises we go through, and the evil we face, for His purpose. Never quit.

o rly?

Trust, is a big word.

No, not like antidisestablishmentariani-... you get the idea. just weeding out the occasional peanut gallery literalist in the audience. Speaking of peanut galleries, feel free to give me a hard time any day in the comments section ;-).

I had an idea of what I wanted to say when I sat down to write this post, but as per usual random thoughts can take over. So I'll get back to that big word in a minute.

Anyone here watch House MD? Well if I watched much TV, I probably would too... if I could stand even one minute of listening to Hugh Laurie's character. It's an odd thing. Characters like House pull off the witty, cerebral, and sarcastic mix of cynical humor with brilliance. But what undoubtedly draws many viewers to this humor- subconsciously, even, is exactly what I abhor in it's execution. This brilliant style of wit is often used by House to verbally rip others apart, preying on weaknesses. Let me put it this way... as much as I personally enjoy any opportunity to be sarcastic, in many cases there's a fine line between it being merely funny, and being pointlessly harmful. House can get away with using his style while being condescending and arrogant because of the skill he possesses. It's akin to watching American Idol or Hell's Kitchen... you know the judge is telling it like it is, and you respect him for his expertise, but it often leads to, in the end, just being another arrogant asshole, for lack of a better word. ;-). All I'm getting at is that I've personally known a few people with House's style of humor... the random, uncompromisingly honest and sarcastic wit that's always on the tip of their tongue (I'm a suppressed nerd at heart, so it's 10x funnier when it pertains to something insightful/scientific... or just XKCD-ish, hehe) but it's rare to come across someone that can use this gift in a constructive way.... even if just adding to everyday socializing. House just rubbed me the wrong way because I'd LOVE the character, if only it didn't come with the dark side of the force... lol. Kinda like Boondock Saints. AWESOME... oh wait, they're murdering in the name of God. Sigh. Don't get me wrong... my examples are just fiction. But they highlight bigger things.

I think I'll leave that big word for an entry to come very soon. What do transposition, Colorado, satellites and Paul all have in common? Probably nothing. But they all play key roles in my next post ;-) I need some sleepz for now, kthxbai.

Right of Conscience, eh.

So I haven't written much lately, at least not in this journal. I won't go into why just now but I might just post directly on facebook notes from now on, instead of being somewhat redundant. Anywho, not exactly the issue at hand right now.

I'm a firm proponent of much that Obama stands for; a healthy portion of that respect stems from his seemingly open-minded and logical approach to fairly representing the American people's interests, as well as those beyond our borders. While I hold his thought process in high regard, none of us are going to agree 100% of the time with el presidente, regardless of who it is. But without even considering my own views on the role of our president concerning right to life issues, I think Obama's definitely getting a check minus concerning planned action against the Right of Conscience Rule.

While it's one of those eleventh hour laws slipped in before the next administration can take office, it was seeking to help protect health care professionals who refuse to provide optional services such as artificial insemination, abortion, etc. on grounds of moral/religious objection. It seems more than fair that an OB/GYN, for example, shouldn't be forced to provide care that he/she personally objects to (or face the consequences). We're not talking about an ambulance driving to the scene of an accident and refusing to save a life... we're talking about the US constitution, in all reality. I don't believe the "right" to a legal abortion should be elevated above the first amendment, which should protect the doctor from refusing to perform one given religious beliefs, for example. Not to mention conflict with the hippocratic oath.

Nobody can pretend to ignore that it was a law enacted by a pro-life administration (a hypocritical administration in that area...lets not go there), but it was addressing a common sense right that didn't really need to be protected until recent times, where we now live in a society polarized on this as it is.

Obama is seeking to repeal the rule. Doctor's and nurses will just be placed back under the potential fire of being discriminated against if they refuse to perform a procedure. If I had a buck for every time I know of someone that said "well I could have this done but my doc won't do it because _____ might cause ________" then, well, you get the picture.

The rule may be somewhat vague and could be better worded, but I somehow doubt a revision and re-enactment of the same protections are planned.

Well kiddies i've gotta run. But just a thought for today.

V-Day

It's a whole new ballgame this time around.

I've spent a number of Valentine's Days without someone. Well, relatively few have been set for romance, but it's been an occasion that's fallen on times I was happily single, extremely happily taken, hopeful, or not far removed from a previous relationship. I've seen the spectrum, and had a few I could actually express my feelings during. And yet in the past, regardless of status the day itself didn't affect me much other than to give me a good excuse to plan something for someone when the timing was good. I figured... kinda made up holiday, and I can be romantic any day of the year I choose. I won't be tied to cultural expectations of this particular day, basically ;-)

But something's just tough about this one, when it never was before. I just want to spend an unplanned random day with that special someone, maybe a road trip to start, then at the very least a candle-lit dinner before dancing the night away. I guess I mentioned it in my "25 things", but I just want the chance to be creatively romantic again... I shortchanged so many occasions before, and it's been so long. I'm tired of feeling either discouraged or unable. Not looking forward to more of the same. it makes one realize how important it is to make the times you can, count.

It's funny because up to now, I've shied away from dancing with anyone but the girl I was enamored with or dating. It just didn't feel right. So I never learned ballroom, salsa, swing, whatever, on top of slow dancing. I even went through a phase where I thought dancing was pointless... probably because I'm not good at it ;-). (The kind of "dancing" people do at clubs still bothers me, that's the only exception.) Anyway, I still hoped I'd find someone that would want to learn with me. Any upcoming girl is going to have to want to!

It's been joked that tomorrow is "singles awareness day", haha true, true for us. This one's different, this one's finally harder to handle than just the frustration of being away from someone I care about. I can at least now chalk up knowing what it's like. But I hold no animosity to those that have a Valentine, and I hope it's a good one for many :)

Flight 3407

Thoughts and prayers with those aboard, and loved ones on the ground :(

I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.

Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.

Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.

Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.

Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.

By Your Side.

Using Youtube cuz it's the best way to link here. But I just love this song. That's all that can be said.

Four Seven

But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God
and not from us.
~2 Cor 4:7

So I might start sounding a little obsessed with the band Jars of Clay, but it just hit me why the hidden track is titled "Four Seven".... the verse above. Kinda like looking at the Fedex logo and finally seeing the arrow between the e and the x. Duh.

Where was I back in seventh grade when everyone else was obsessed with Flood? Apparently not paying close enough attention. Seems to go along with a lot in my life up to this point.

Read all of 2 Corinthians 4. We are but earthen vessels... cracked, broken, dirty. Nothing more ordinary and common than a jar of clay in biblical times. But we also have this treasure, the light of Christ to shine from within. A power that could not come from ourselves; from ordinary jars. the power must come from somewhere else... something greater. The clay will one day shatter and turn to dust, but the power remains. Why the heck would God put the treasure in such a frail place? Or why would he have His own son born in a manger for that matter?

Extraordinary power, from an ordinary place. So where should the focus be? Not on ourselves, but on the source of power. It's such a challenge to see past the humanity, or human condition if you will, sometimes. You'd think the treasure would be put in pots of silver or gold. But how would that encourage needing more. God could become an afterthought.

A glistening pot can be tarnished, but a dirty vessel made clean.

I sometimes sound like I'm going for some kind of sermon... so I kept it short. Just a little excited I suppose.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...
~2 Cor 4:17-18

resonant frequencies

You know, if there's one thing that's bugged me since I was, oh, half my current age, it's that I never took up piano lessons. What am I thinking with learning the guitar on my last post?

There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.

I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.

So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)

From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)

Lists

Since graduation, I have an insane amount of time (which is driving me insane) to do things with. Anyone out there with a life that surrenders little time to sleep, TRUST ME, from someone that needs to be productive, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. But outside of work...

To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.

Rick's "To Do" List,

• Read the Bible, all of it. (obviously not just for the sake of completion ;-)
• be conversational in Italian. Heck, i can get practice anytime just by dropping by my dad's club.
  
• Learn to cook a good amount of the amazing food i'm spoiled with at home...
  
• learn to play guitar, and sing more.
  
• defeat the decepticons, use my powers for good instead of evil.
• continue with this list in a more serious manner.
• serve in some ministry for the community... i.e. habitat.
• Be in better physical shape/health than I was even in HS.
• ...TBD
  

Try me... in the absence of life throwing curveballs to prevent/change them, of course. Cuz you know, that NEVER happens ;-) But in the absence of hearing any purpose in this time, I'll be damned if I don't get working on things I was driven to do in years past.

Nothing is real 'til it's gone. v2

It seems like God found every little way to give us a chance, but we found every little way to run from living in that light.

It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.

Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.

It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.

For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.

I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".

And yet we didn't.

And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.

For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.

I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.

I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.

Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.

All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.

I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.

Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.

But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.

We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.

After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.

I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.

All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.

But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.

I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.

I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Burried beneath all the lies.
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes.

And hold on before it's too late.
We'll run 'til we leave this behind.
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.

And the risk that might break you's
The one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone.
-GGD