It's a whole new ballgame this time around.
I've spent a number of Valentine's Days without someone. Well, relatively few have been set for romance, but it's been an occasion that's fallen on times I was happily single, extremely happily taken, hopeful, or not far removed from a previous relationship. I've seen the spectrum, and had a few I could actually express my feelings during. And yet in the past, regardless of status the day itself didn't affect me much other than to give me a good excuse to plan something for someone when the timing was good. I figured... kinda made up holiday, and I can be romantic any day of the year I choose. I won't be tied to cultural expectations of this particular day, basically ;-)
But something's just tough about this one, when it never was before. I just want to spend an unplanned random day with that special someone, maybe a road trip to start, then at the very least a candle-lit dinner before dancing the night away. I guess I mentioned it in my "25 things", but I just want the chance to be creatively romantic again... I shortchanged so many occasions before, and it's been so long. I'm tired of feeling either discouraged or unable. Not looking forward to more of the same. it makes one realize how important it is to make the times you can, count.
It's funny because up to now, I've shied away from dancing with anyone but the girl I was enamored with or dating. It just didn't feel right. So I never learned ballroom, salsa, swing, whatever, on top of slow dancing. I even went through a phase where I thought dancing was pointless... probably because I'm not good at it ;-). (The kind of "dancing" people do at clubs still bothers me, that's the only exception.) Anyway, I still hoped I'd find someone that would want to learn with me. Any upcoming girl is going to have to want to!
It's been joked that tomorrow is "singles awareness day", haha true, true for us. This one's different, this one's finally harder to handle than just the frustration of being away from someone I care about. I can at least now chalk up knowing what it's like. But I hold no animosity to those that have a Valentine, and I hope it's a good one for many :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
Flight 3407
Thoughts and prayers with those aboard, and loved ones on the ground :(
I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.
Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.
Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.
Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.
Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.
I'm about 40 miles from the crash, and the weather really isn't that bad... except that there's definitely been icing conditions around 3000'. Funny to hear that there's only "trace" icing present (not really dangerous for short periods of time), it's hard to imagine what else likely factored in, given that winds were relatively light with no storms, manageable visibility, and witnesses heard the engines before impact. The aircraft seemed to basically nosedive straight in... typical of a failed stall recovery. The crew would have reported a problem to ATC if some system or structural failure was apparent.
Trouble is, I bet freezing rain was present given a quick look at weather data (and rime icing was reported in the area). Freezing rain can be BAD NEWS BEARS pretty quickly if you're stuck in it. Forgive me but I'm always quick to speculate with aviation related news, and all I can think of is a tail stall occurred due to icing on turn to final for RWY 23, and the location they crashed was around where they would be configuring final flaps and reducing airspeed. Could definitely cause a tail stall if the anti-ice system failed or they hadn't followed procedure, and airspeed was too low. Low, slow, and configured for approach doesn't leave much room to recover if something goes wrong. In addition, witnesses say the approach was pretty loud.... they probably pushed the throttles to full trying to recover.
Obviously I can't say for certain, and given how dangerous a tail stall and recovery is at low altitude.... just saying that's my first guess.
Either way, hard to internalize what's just happened. If I had gotten an interview with Colgan last spring, that could have even be me in the right seat. The Q400 is an amazing plane, a newer version of the Dash-8 I was supposed to be flying for Piedmont by now, but something went terribly wrong here :( Really hope it wasn't a relatively young FO like myself at the controls, regardless of how well we're trained... experience is honestly pretty important, as was evident in the Miracle on the Hudson... I hope we didn't just see the other side of that coin.
Keep them all in your prayers. gnite.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
By Your Side.
Using Youtube cuz it's the best way to link here. But I just love this song. That's all that can be said.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Four Seven
But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God
and not from us.
~2 Cor 4:7
So I might start sounding a little obsessed with the band Jars of Clay, but it just hit me why the hidden track is titled "Four Seven".... the verse above. Kinda like looking at the Fedex logo and finally seeing the arrow between the e and the x. Duh.
Where was I back in seventh grade when everyone else was obsessed with Flood? Apparently not paying close enough attention. Seems to go along with a lot in my life up to this point.
Read all of 2 Corinthians 4. We are but earthen vessels... cracked, broken, dirty. Nothing more ordinary and common than a jar of clay in biblical times. But we also have this treasure, the light of Christ to shine from within. A power that could not come from ourselves; from ordinary jars. the power must come from somewhere else... something greater. The clay will one day shatter and turn to dust, but the power remains. Why the heck would God put the treasure in such a frail place? Or why would he have His own son born in a manger for that matter?
Extraordinary power, from an ordinary place. So where should the focus be? Not on ourselves, but on the source of power. It's such a challenge to see past the humanity, or human condition if you will, sometimes. You'd think the treasure would be put in pots of silver or gold. But how would that encourage needing more. God could become an afterthought.
A glistening pot can be tarnished, but a dirty vessel made clean.
I sometimes sound like I'm going for some kind of sermon... so I kept it short. Just a little excited I suppose.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen...
~2 Cor 4:17-18
Thursday, January 22, 2009
resonant frequencies
You know, if there's one thing that's bugged me since I was, oh, half my current age, it's that I never took up piano lessons. What am I thinking with learning the guitar on my last post?
There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.
I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.
So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)
From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)
There's something insanely therapeutic about the piano for me. I really don't know what it's like playing just yet, but it's like crack when the right people are playing it. (And no, I don't know what crack is like either, lolz) I used to love grabbing my books and sitting in the lobby of Earhart when someone decided to play...you know, someone who could actually play among all the engineering and science students ;-). Chords sent shivers down my spine, and melodies made my hair stand on end. Not sure exactly how to describe it... but it's probably like what girls felt when they played with each others' hair in grade school. Or, if you're weird like me, you enjoyed when they had to check for lice in everyone's hair cuz the sensation was cool. Yeah, listening to the right pianist is like a constant wave of that.
I might have driven the office ladies mad if I knew how to play tho, cuz I would have been in the lobby all the time haha... If I could get lost in playing it as much as I do listening.
So why not start now. I seriously considered it senior year of HS, then things got complicated in life. Now there's 2 pianos in my house that nobody plays, and i have all this time... why should i drop some $$ for a guitar either. No money for lessons, but I'll do what I can on my own attm ;-) It's too bad my grandma is in the condition she's in... she's played her whole life after attending Wooster College for piano, and could probably have taught me years ago. It's amazing how as the Alzheimer's got worse, the classics still came to her fingertips with little effort :)
From talking with a coworker who plays in bands around Rochester, there's also a huge demand for musicians who can play both Sax & Keyboards. Maybe I really can get back into the music scene, eventually :D Ideally, at the right time there would be a need for one at whatever church I attend too. okok, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself in assuming how good I can get, but anything's possible :)
Friday, January 09, 2009
Lists
Since graduation, I have an insane amount of time (which is driving me insane) to do things with. Anyone out there with a life that surrenders little time to sleep, TRUST ME, from someone that needs to be productive, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. But outside of work...
To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.
Rick's "To Do" List,
To be complete BEFORE 2010. These are the initial goals. More can and probably will be added.
Rick's "To Do" List,
- Read the Bible, all of it. (obviously not just for the sake of completion ;-)
- be conversational in Italian. Heck, i can get practice anytime just by dropping by my dad's club.
- Learn to cook a good amount of the amazing food i'm spoiled with at home...
- learn to play guitar, and sing more.
- defeat the decepticons, use my powers for good instead of evil.
- continue with this list in a more serious manner.
- serve in some ministry for the community... i.e. habitat.
- Be in better physical shape/health than I was even in HS.
- ...TBD
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Nothing is real 'til it's gone. v2
It seems like God found every little way to give us a chance, but we found every little way to run from living in that light.
It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.
Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.
It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.
For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.
I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".
And yet we didn't.
And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.
For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.
I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.
I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.
Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.
All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.
I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.
Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.
But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.
We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.
After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.
I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.
All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.
But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.
I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.
It seems like the world gave us every blessing in time and place, every magical coincidence between who we were and what we found, and what we both dreamed of.
Why do I wake up at 3AM, short of breath. Why do I make peace with this path in the day, and still awaken at night from nightmares reminding me of what's gone, unable to cope with a reality I never believed could happen.
It always feels like it's the end of the world when relationships end, and we eventually heal. But I know what we were given wasn't meant to end, wasn't meant to be reduced to a memory, a story, a past relationship. That's what it's come to tho... a story like so many others. It feels like there was so much more to be found.
For far too long her and I went from short break to break in our schedules, to travel halfway across the country for the chance to fill an aching hole in our hearts that grew bigger every time we parted. We went through heartache that would have torn any couple apart years ago, but to this day I cannot explain what I felt every time we found our way back to each other, a connection that made every time apart feel like it was all worth it. Maybe I wake tonight as it hits me that I won't ever feel that again. Within me is the only place it's left alive, and I just want it to rest in peace. No, I lie, that's not what I want... but that's all that can be done.
I'm awake now because there was an absolutely magical, loving, innate sense of completion every time we embraced. It was a shelter from the storm of life, and yet a discharge of lightning between us. Somehow even as we grew more distant in every other important way, I felt whole again in her arms. And like everything else, magically, she felt the same. I felt like God gave us another glimpse into what he was trying to bring together. Like he was saying "here's your other half, now seek me and seek what the other needs, seek to understand what I've given you".
And yet we didn't.
And I miss her like I've never missed anything in my life.
For so long, I was bewildered by the fact that we didn't fight. I explained it away as a result of how much we just agreed on everything... like come on, we have to have differing views on something important, or be angry with something the other one did. How did I not see how much we were avoiding.
I was afraid from the beginning, that if I made myself vulnerable enough by not holding back, I would find that I wasn't good enough for her. I was afraid after previous failures in love that I wouldn't be able to understand what she needs if I tried... I needed something to hold back as a lifeline in case I failed. I gave up before I began... but it was all too easy when I found someone that I felt innately connected to, someone that I felt I understood without saying a word, that I could bear myself completely to and know she would cherish it.
I can't even comprehend, in hindsight, my circular logic. As if I had found a free ticket to understanding someone without doing any work. Day by day, year by year I fell back on the absolutely certain feeling within me that it was safe to put off asking the tough questions, prying into our fears and needs, because I would be able to do it later. That I could NEVER lose what we found, it was impossible to imagine she could be gone. Every time we embraced it added a notch of certainty that I had found my soulmate, that we would have time to approach our fears and the things we held inside when we were finally together again, with a very tangible path to marriage. We just seemed to... fit :D But I began to realize this folly in hiding within my feelings, when we already had 5 years to see it, when she was leaving for grad school and the physical distance made it so apparent. When I was just coming around to committing myself to a life together... the first times I had real serious thoughts about looking for a ring.
Maybe I'm really just not cut out for love, for a real relationship. I don't ever see things in time, I don't give enough. I don't get into other people's heads that well when I live in mine so much.
All aboard the failboat of getting into someone's head. Some people are so good at it, and I absolutely despise those that use it strictly for their own selfish gain.
I thought I could understand her and what she needs without putting too much of myself into it. I was afraid if I put real effort in, I would fall short... that maybe I just couldn't understand her. And maybe seeing how others who weren't even as close help her more than I knew how, made it all too apparent after I had already fallen into this pattern. Through God all things are possible... there's no such thing as just not being able to understand someone else, not being able to grow with them. So long as you open your hearts, and give your time and dedication as friends do, you can help anyone grow, understand their needs, and let them be the same for you. It's just easier to do with some than others. But i didn't think that way.
Maybe we only get one shot at this life, and sometimes we only get one shot with each other. Our stars just didn't align in time, she was on the horizon to something deeper between us far before my planets were in view. Maybe I could make peace with this mistake if I didn't see we we're both looking for the same thing with someone, if I didn't feel that she's the only one I ever want to grow that close with, if I could forget what I felt every time I was blessed with the chance of seeing her again. Something that feels impossible to find with anyone else, and it still makes me sick thinking it's my only option. There will come a time when both of us find ourselves in someone else's arms, and for the sake of whoever they are I pray that her and I don't hold back, from the memory of what we once had.
But I can't help that deep down, I dream that what we found was something we can't run forever from, that God has plans for a second chance, when we're ready. With 7 years it feels we were given 2nd 3rd 4th... etc chances, but never was I awake to what I am now. I feel like the next time I try with someone, I'll run because of how I've always felt for her... and in my own selfish way I wish she'd feel the same and come back too. But that's my shortsighted selfishness, I'm sorry. All I wanted was the chance to bring joy and completion as her closest companion, but in the absence of that I pray she'll find it without me. She deserves nothing less.
We both want the chance to truly be real with someone else, to truly grow with them, to be understood in a very real way that is being built with every hurdle overcome, not being put off. Marriage is work in all reality, and so is anything leading up to it... you do it because it's very easily one of the greatest blessings you might ever find, you cherish the other person deeply, and the family you may raise depends on it. Lord knows I can't see that family of mine with anyone else, but I guess this is what time can change, right? Maybe the sarcasm is apparent, but whatever.
After all these years, she didn't understand what I needed, and I didn't understand what she needs all that well either. These things come with tackling life's problems together, growing in faith together, and not being afraid that if we address a problem, it'll lead to greater distance between us... oh God that logic is killing me... that I didn't see the very basic reality that it's through the struggles I avoided that we'd GROW if we were meant to, not be driven apart. When I started to see this, we were already 12 hours apart... and the fear of messing up what we were dreaming of kept me from addressing our problems, hoping I could hold off. And far too much had built up, when we finally had the chance to live in the same place... it was already too late, and I didn't know how to begin again. I tried to push my way into her life again, rather than just asking the questions I always should have asked... I tried forcing something that's built with time, and grace. All the time we didn't use. All the mistakes I'll never make again, now that I'm changing and growing in these ways, the mistakes I made to lose the one person I wish I had found at this point in my life, so it can be done right, with her.
I don't want anyone else there in my life, but I'm the only one up at 3AM anymore. There's nothing I know that could be done to come back to the world we would not face anyway... I don't wish for this pain upon her heart or anyone else's. I just take forever, for it all to hit me.
All my heart wishes to find is the real understanding between us, not just the innate feelings that drew us together in the first place. I hid from her when I had the chance, and if I hadn't hid from the Lord I might have seen it too, before it was too late.
But maybe there is someone out there still, seeking as I am, and seeking me.
I can joke that maybe the next Goo Goo Dolls album will provide some answers, lol... but like the last couple singles they arrive as that specific something is happening. I swear John Rzeznik has been stealing material from my life since high school, lol.
I wandered through fiction to look for the truth
Burried beneath all the lies.
And I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes.
And hold on before it's too late.
We'll run 'til we leave this behind.
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.
And the risk that might break you's
The one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost.
So stand on the edge with me.
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone.
-GGD
Friday, January 02, 2009
___________
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
~C.S. Lewis
Brooke Fraser again, with Hillsong United :)
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
~C.S. Lewis
Brooke Fraser again, with Hillsong United :)
Thursday, January 01, 2009
New... Year
There's a passion I once knew, an absolute excitement for life and what I could do with it, with the Lord's blessing, in the coming years. An unpredictable combination of focus, spontaneity, and drive to blaze amazing paths and create limitless relationships. A drive that felt like the next day could wait, because I'm not done with this one yet ;-)
A passion that didn't know how to fit the number of things I wanted to be good at in my life, into the time I had.
Slowly, over the years, the vision has inexplicably faded, the colors fading to grey as progress diminished. With some flashes of brilliance here and there the exception, I fell into preoccupation with what's in front of me, and momentum ceased.
The drive brought me to who I was, and forward into my first college years, molding me into who I was to become.
What happened, to come to now. I'm numb, broken, and seemingly empty.
What message shall I give to this world, if not through my life. But what message holds much meaning if not filled with God's love.
And there's the key. The path of reforming my life recently around God is no coincidence in timing. Granted, it's insanely late in my eyes, but that's it. My drive to success years ago was completely self-motivated. As I grew more aware of the need to rely on God for direction, my internal drive shut down, with lack of vision. I have a very intense need to be working on something with permanence, and my preoccupation with the current jobs/classes was what my energy was solely on, for years. I needed to be working on something that would carry on into the real world after graduation.
But engineering didn't seem to be going anywhere I could see myself being passionate about, and switching to flight school was exciting and I found real drive for awhile til I realized I wasn't on a path of working on something with permanence. What I mean is that I don't have a &$($#@ing clue what I really wanted to be studying, but I needed it to be something that I could build on every day, and be something to help the society and world we live in. To be a part of something bigger than myself, and with enough hard work to someday be considered a leading expert in whatever I do... not for prestige, not for a measure of "success" as society views it... not money. But to reach a higher level of contribution to God's world in a measurable way. That's the dream that started to take hold, when I had already set in stone my path through and out of Purdue. As a pilot, and possibly as an Air Traffic Controller that I am currently on the closest path to pursuing, I am training for jobs that provide a sustainable service as I see it, a trade, a skill. I'm not expanding our understanding of anything measurably, I'm not changing our world in any way other than maintaining an established system. This doesn't mean I won't pursue them as a career for income and security... but it's not what I feel I was designed for. Don't get me wrong in how I speak of services/trades at all... I can tell you of a handful of people's professions that can be described in this way among those I just met tonight... and I have immeasurable respect for what some are doing to make our world a better place.
The only long term idea attm is to get a job secure so I can focus on the areas of my life I want to work on. And i can finally make random trips to explore the country/world as a pilot... but as ATC I'll make enough $$ to do it anyway ;-). Where to be based is another story. There's home, but I really feel drawn to a couple other places around the country. Somewhere with 4 seasons (i like snow, sorry ;-) low humidity, easy access to mountains, lakes, awesome community/arts, and an active and vibrant faith community. I can't bring family (or Wegmans,::sniff::) with me, but I've got a couple ideas, we'll see how they turn out as it's somewhat luck of the draw. o.0 God's definitely going to have a hand in this one, haha.
I can't tell you what I want to do with my life now tho. I'm 26 and somehow, frustratingly, I haven't found the focus on ANYTHING I can build on, day to day, just yet. I'm angry with God sometimes, as things seem to be adding up to nothing, because I have so much drive to do something I can't even put my finger on... not even a small step toward anything. Angry that He hasn't pointed me in any seemingly useful direction. Sometimes I really wish I was still in school, as a grad student doing research, or out in the field, developing something I'm interested in.
Honestly, I'm extremely excited about sustainable energy research... everyone knows how big a deal it is for us in terms of oil, pollution, etc. But not many see the scale we need to be working on it long term, given the alarming growth rates of energy consumption in our world, in many different forms. Balance in nature is precise... populations of organisms grow, and if not in check, die out suddenly when they exceed the limits of what their environment can provide. As humans we adapt well, of course, but even we have limits, that we stretch to tipping points...
I kinda wish I had majored in something that would allow me to work on a field like wind energy systems. But that's just one example. A prof back at Purdue wants to do atmospheric climate research involving the need for real-time aircraft air sampling and satellite data... with the right timing and coursework, I would have loved to be involved in that project. And if I was in engineering, I probably would have moved toward something that will help develop free flight... the next big thing in flying... it'll eventually allow everyone to pilot their own small aircraft instead of driving where they need to go, or taking an airline, for example. (No need to be a pilot...I know, scary)
Oh and on a random note, a lot of the current "alternative fuel" plans are complete joke. Sure you can discuss the pros/cons of hydrogen fuel cell, ethanol, natural gas, etc... but take a look at the energy requirements for creating the fuels themselves. You might as well go straight to electric cars (powered by batteries that aren't exactly ideal yet, tho ;-)) And aside from battery problem practicality with current technology, the concept of the Chevy Volt is a promising one. What they really need to do is create a Volt with Natural Gas as the backup instead of Unleaded... this country has a hell of a lot of it we just don't use. Chances are your local DOT vehicles are running on natural gas they refuel at their own pumps ;-)
Enough with the details. My loss of passion in life is suffocating right now, it's completely contrary to who I am. I can't stand having my brain idle, I can't stand not using what I have.
And you know what... I already explained in a previous post how all my Joy in life was centered on the love I've lost, but there's far more to it than that. I made a tenuous peace within myself when it came to falling short in drive and passion, as I was just hiding myself among the one aspect of my life I KNEW was moving towards what was meant to be, the only one thing I knew. Among everything else fading to grey, the truth about her in my life shone brighter and brighter every day, as I came to realize the one thing I was truly passionate about finding was a deep and growing life in Christ, and a family, with her. I was afraid of it for so long, knowing if I fell I'd fall completely... and being young/immature and not ready for true commitment. You just know when you've found that one person in your life tho, the one soul you'll spend the rest of your life with. I knew, deep within, from the first day, among the first glances into her infinitely loving eyes and connection through the touch of her fingertips... ok I shouldn't get into that, sorry. But in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I, recognize, And I know... thanks Ben Folds, nice try.
I fought a battle between altering career/life plans and giving too much of myself too quick, which would have been so easy to do with how we felt. I always knew, innately... and it's the one path in my life that for so many reasons not to be put into words, it felt God-given in purpose that we'd be together, no matter what. Now I have to find a way to accept it was all in my head. God's purpose prevails, and that one apparently wasn't it. Love finds a way... but not this way, apparently.
When I felt I had met the true love of my life so many years back now, I felt I had finally found someone that could keep up with me, and match my energy to become greater together than we could be apart. Someone that actually understood my crazy and insane side, and would want to journey ahead, with me, and I with her in whatever we found in life. With what I've described above, it feels like it eventually came to me not knowing how to keep up with her... I had slowly lost something big, i'm so subdued now. I'm not myself, from how I know I should be.
There's a pressure cooker of energy and drive building up inside me, not knowing what to release itself on just yet... It's been a long time, but I know how much can be accomplished when you really set your mind and all of who you are on something. There's one thing I know for sure, either way:
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~Matthew 19:26
And with prayer miraculous things are coming about even now.
But I'm not here to keep looking over my shoulder, to not be grateful for what I have already. I have faith that the path I'm taking will eventually show its worth, starting this new year.... hello 2009.
And somehow I know there's someone there to keep up with me, and I with her, when I've formed myself in the light of Christ that I should have, long ago. Someone who actually needs me in her life... to move forward together and with a family. I know purpose and direction will come, with this path and only God knows when we're ready. I'm not there yet, and it explains a lot of what's happened recently in my life. But who will be there, when I am... or who will grow with me, in this journey.
Watch out, world, when I find my way back. ;-)
A passion that didn't know how to fit the number of things I wanted to be good at in my life, into the time I had.
Slowly, over the years, the vision has inexplicably faded, the colors fading to grey as progress diminished. With some flashes of brilliance here and there the exception, I fell into preoccupation with what's in front of me, and momentum ceased.
The drive brought me to who I was, and forward into my first college years, molding me into who I was to become.
What happened, to come to now. I'm numb, broken, and seemingly empty.
What message shall I give to this world, if not through my life. But what message holds much meaning if not filled with God's love.
And there's the key. The path of reforming my life recently around God is no coincidence in timing. Granted, it's insanely late in my eyes, but that's it. My drive to success years ago was completely self-motivated. As I grew more aware of the need to rely on God for direction, my internal drive shut down, with lack of vision. I have a very intense need to be working on something with permanence, and my preoccupation with the current jobs/classes was what my energy was solely on, for years. I needed to be working on something that would carry on into the real world after graduation.
But engineering didn't seem to be going anywhere I could see myself being passionate about, and switching to flight school was exciting and I found real drive for awhile til I realized I wasn't on a path of working on something with permanence. What I mean is that I don't have a &$($#@ing clue what I really wanted to be studying, but I needed it to be something that I could build on every day, and be something to help the society and world we live in. To be a part of something bigger than myself, and with enough hard work to someday be considered a leading expert in whatever I do... not for prestige, not for a measure of "success" as society views it... not money. But to reach a higher level of contribution to God's world in a measurable way. That's the dream that started to take hold, when I had already set in stone my path through and out of Purdue. As a pilot, and possibly as an Air Traffic Controller that I am currently on the closest path to pursuing, I am training for jobs that provide a sustainable service as I see it, a trade, a skill. I'm not expanding our understanding of anything measurably, I'm not changing our world in any way other than maintaining an established system. This doesn't mean I won't pursue them as a career for income and security... but it's not what I feel I was designed for. Don't get me wrong in how I speak of services/trades at all... I can tell you of a handful of people's professions that can be described in this way among those I just met tonight... and I have immeasurable respect for what some are doing to make our world a better place.
The only long term idea attm is to get a job secure so I can focus on the areas of my life I want to work on. And i can finally make random trips to explore the country/world as a pilot... but as ATC I'll make enough $$ to do it anyway ;-). Where to be based is another story. There's home, but I really feel drawn to a couple other places around the country. Somewhere with 4 seasons (i like snow, sorry ;-) low humidity, easy access to mountains, lakes, awesome community/arts, and an active and vibrant faith community. I can't bring family (or Wegmans,::sniff::) with me, but I've got a couple ideas, we'll see how they turn out as it's somewhat luck of the draw. o.0 God's definitely going to have a hand in this one, haha.
I can't tell you what I want to do with my life now tho. I'm 26 and somehow, frustratingly, I haven't found the focus on ANYTHING I can build on, day to day, just yet. I'm angry with God sometimes, as things seem to be adding up to nothing, because I have so much drive to do something I can't even put my finger on... not even a small step toward anything. Angry that He hasn't pointed me in any seemingly useful direction. Sometimes I really wish I was still in school, as a grad student doing research, or out in the field, developing something I'm interested in.
Honestly, I'm extremely excited about sustainable energy research... everyone knows how big a deal it is for us in terms of oil, pollution, etc. But not many see the scale we need to be working on it long term, given the alarming growth rates of energy consumption in our world, in many different forms. Balance in nature is precise... populations of organisms grow, and if not in check, die out suddenly when they exceed the limits of what their environment can provide. As humans we adapt well, of course, but even we have limits, that we stretch to tipping points...
I kinda wish I had majored in something that would allow me to work on a field like wind energy systems. But that's just one example. A prof back at Purdue wants to do atmospheric climate research involving the need for real-time aircraft air sampling and satellite data... with the right timing and coursework, I would have loved to be involved in that project. And if I was in engineering, I probably would have moved toward something that will help develop free flight... the next big thing in flying... it'll eventually allow everyone to pilot their own small aircraft instead of driving where they need to go, or taking an airline, for example. (No need to be a pilot...I know, scary)
Oh and on a random note, a lot of the current "alternative fuel" plans are complete joke. Sure you can discuss the pros/cons of hydrogen fuel cell, ethanol, natural gas, etc... but take a look at the energy requirements for creating the fuels themselves. You might as well go straight to electric cars (powered by batteries that aren't exactly ideal yet, tho ;-)) And aside from battery problem practicality with current technology, the concept of the Chevy Volt is a promising one. What they really need to do is create a Volt with Natural Gas as the backup instead of Unleaded... this country has a hell of a lot of it we just don't use. Chances are your local DOT vehicles are running on natural gas they refuel at their own pumps ;-)
Enough with the details. My loss of passion in life is suffocating right now, it's completely contrary to who I am. I can't stand having my brain idle, I can't stand not using what I have.
And you know what... I already explained in a previous post how all my Joy in life was centered on the love I've lost, but there's far more to it than that. I made a tenuous peace within myself when it came to falling short in drive and passion, as I was just hiding myself among the one aspect of my life I KNEW was moving towards what was meant to be, the only one thing I knew. Among everything else fading to grey, the truth about her in my life shone brighter and brighter every day, as I came to realize the one thing I was truly passionate about finding was a deep and growing life in Christ, and a family, with her. I was afraid of it for so long, knowing if I fell I'd fall completely... and being young/immature and not ready for true commitment. You just know when you've found that one person in your life tho, the one soul you'll spend the rest of your life with. I knew, deep within, from the first day, among the first glances into her infinitely loving eyes and connection through the touch of her fingertips... ok I shouldn't get into that, sorry. But in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I, recognize, And I know... thanks Ben Folds, nice try.
I fought a battle between altering career/life plans and giving too much of myself too quick, which would have been so easy to do with how we felt. I always knew, innately... and it's the one path in my life that for so many reasons not to be put into words, it felt God-given in purpose that we'd be together, no matter what. Now I have to find a way to accept it was all in my head. God's purpose prevails, and that one apparently wasn't it. Love finds a way... but not this way, apparently.
When I felt I had met the true love of my life so many years back now, I felt I had finally found someone that could keep up with me, and match my energy to become greater together than we could be apart. Someone that actually understood my crazy and insane side, and would want to journey ahead, with me, and I with her in whatever we found in life. With what I've described above, it feels like it eventually came to me not knowing how to keep up with her... I had slowly lost something big, i'm so subdued now. I'm not myself, from how I know I should be.
There's a pressure cooker of energy and drive building up inside me, not knowing what to release itself on just yet... It's been a long time, but I know how much can be accomplished when you really set your mind and all of who you are on something. There's one thing I know for sure, either way:
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.
~Matthew 19:26
And with prayer miraculous things are coming about even now.
But I'm not here to keep looking over my shoulder, to not be grateful for what I have already. I have faith that the path I'm taking will eventually show its worth, starting this new year.... hello 2009.
And somehow I know there's someone there to keep up with me, and I with her, when I've formed myself in the light of Christ that I should have, long ago. Someone who actually needs me in her life... to move forward together and with a family. I know purpose and direction will come, with this path and only God knows when we're ready. I'm not there yet, and it explains a lot of what's happened recently in my life. But who will be there, when I am... or who will grow with me, in this journey.
Watch out, world, when I find my way back. ;-)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Childhood Game Flashback
Anyone remember Mousetrap? zomg how did I NOT get involved in Rube Goldberg @ Purdue after this.
I think it was usually a lego knight or something with more personality than a little molded plastic mouse made in china (with 100% DV of lead! whee!) that made it into the trap.
I know there's a 1 in 100 chance that anyone ever actually waited til the end to set it off, but I think i managed to keep my brothers in line for awhile.
Then again, not losing any of the bajillion little pieces after playing it the first time would be a miracle. Somehow i kept track of all those legos tho...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Insert title here
So I mentioned in a previous post that I would get back to my take on Peter. I have no intention of turning my journal into a biblical reflections page or something that that effect... but sometimes i'm kinda excited to write about what I might be focusing on attm, and this is what's up now. This is about the gifts we're given, for our purpose... if you will. We are all "anointed" with our own unique gifts, talents, etc.
We often say we want to do this, or become that, in our lives. At least for me, it's been one of the hardest lessons to learn that we don't choose our calling in life... we don't choose what we've been anointed to become. It's given to us, and at a time we don't choose either.
Read on, and be patient with my thought process ;-)
The disciple given the name of Peter, by Jesus, (also known as Simon Peter, as he was originally Simon) was a brash, hotheaded, impulsive man. A man based on action, and not over-thinking. Peter was the first to be called to Jesus' side, and the first to confess Jesus was the Messiah. But Peter denies being his disciple vehemently, 3 times, as Jesus said would happen.
I'd heard the verses of Matthew 16:22-23 many times before, but never understood them well til recently. Jesus had just explained to the disciples how he would die, before this passage:
Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"
Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
Why did Jesus call him Satan? I never looked closer at why. Peter was a prideful man... to the point of having the nerve to basically claim he knew more than God. A claim that Satan would make. Peter had self-reliance, to a fault. He didn't stay loyal to Jesus' teachings at first, he didn't stay loyal to the truth he previously proclaimed. At the last supper, Jesus said:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
~Luke 22:31-32
An indication that God knew Simon Peter would betray Jesus, and that when he had turned back to the truth, he would be called to strengthen others. Peter had the benefit of hearing his calling in life directly from the mouth of Jesus. In John 21:15-17, Peter was told to feed Jesus' lambs, take care of His sheep, and feed His sheep. I won't go into all of what that entails here.
But what's this sifting? I'm no farmer, but I know that chaff and anything foreign is separated from the wheat here. Satan would test Peter, trying to draw him out, sift him, and separate him from the faith, the flock, and his purpose.
What kind of weight do you think was on Peter, after realizing what he had done? What do you do after you've.... betrayed God?
Often, we isolate ourselves, and withdraw when we've failed. It's easy to throw in the towel, and just give up when it seems all is lost. This makes it so easy for Satan, for sin, to win out... divide and conquer. How the heck did Peter make it back to the disciples after this... after such a betrayal.
But Peter let God be God to him. He took what was coming to him, after the betrayal... but received grace instead. It's the same for us... when we fall, God's already planned our restoration, no matter how hard we fall. So long as we open our hearts to Him, and let Him be our Lord. Pride has no place, we can't do it all on our own.
In our weakest times, we often learn the most, and somehow we grow. Somehow, we must rejoice over the biggest trials in our lives, knowing we'll come out stronger in the end, knowing that God is allowing our suffering that it might draw us closer to Him.
Rejoice... your failures, in God's hands, are designed to be life for others. (Thanks, Pastor Mark.)
Peter found a deep repentance after his failure, and fulfilled the purpose Jesus gave to him, after proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah:
Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."
~Matthew 16:13-19
Peter was originally an ordinary fisherman... who can say he knew what his true purpose in life would be, who can say he knew what he would be anointed with before it was spoken. We're all made to fulfill some purpose in life, whatever that may be. We're all given talents to serve others in this world, and even our times of greatest failure can become the foundation for the greatest lessons learned, so in turn we add to God's glory in many ways through those lessons, those trials. Peter directly betrayed the son of God, and was still given the responsibility of building the foundations of the faith community we know today.
We often say we want to do this, or become that, in our lives. At least for me, it's been one of the hardest lessons to learn that we don't choose our calling in life... we don't choose what we've been anointed to become. It's given to us, and at a time we don't choose either.
Read on, and be patient with my thought process ;-)
The disciple given the name of Peter, by Jesus, (also known as Simon Peter, as he was originally Simon) was a brash, hotheaded, impulsive man. A man based on action, and not over-thinking. Peter was the first to be called to Jesus' side, and the first to confess Jesus was the Messiah. But Peter denies being his disciple vehemently, 3 times, as Jesus said would happen.
I'd heard the verses of Matthew 16:22-23 many times before, but never understood them well til recently. Jesus had just explained to the disciples how he would die, before this passage:
Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This shall never happen to you!"
Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
Why did Jesus call him Satan? I never looked closer at why. Peter was a prideful man... to the point of having the nerve to basically claim he knew more than God. A claim that Satan would make. Peter had self-reliance, to a fault. He didn't stay loyal to Jesus' teachings at first, he didn't stay loyal to the truth he previously proclaimed. At the last supper, Jesus said:
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
~Luke 22:31-32
An indication that God knew Simon Peter would betray Jesus, and that when he had turned back to the truth, he would be called to strengthen others. Peter had the benefit of hearing his calling in life directly from the mouth of Jesus. In John 21:15-17, Peter was told to feed Jesus' lambs, take care of His sheep, and feed His sheep. I won't go into all of what that entails here.
But what's this sifting? I'm no farmer, but I know that chaff and anything foreign is separated from the wheat here. Satan would test Peter, trying to draw him out, sift him, and separate him from the faith, the flock, and his purpose.
What kind of weight do you think was on Peter, after realizing what he had done? What do you do after you've.... betrayed God?
Often, we isolate ourselves, and withdraw when we've failed. It's easy to throw in the towel, and just give up when it seems all is lost. This makes it so easy for Satan, for sin, to win out... divide and conquer. How the heck did Peter make it back to the disciples after this... after such a betrayal.
But Peter let God be God to him. He took what was coming to him, after the betrayal... but received grace instead. It's the same for us... when we fall, God's already planned our restoration, no matter how hard we fall. So long as we open our hearts to Him, and let Him be our Lord. Pride has no place, we can't do it all on our own.
In our weakest times, we often learn the most, and somehow we grow. Somehow, we must rejoice over the biggest trials in our lives, knowing we'll come out stronger in the end, knowing that God is allowing our suffering that it might draw us closer to Him.
Rejoice... your failures, in God's hands, are designed to be life for others. (Thanks, Pastor Mark.)
Peter found a deep repentance after his failure, and fulfilled the purpose Jesus gave to him, after proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah:
Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."
~Matthew 16:13-19
Peter was originally an ordinary fisherman... who can say he knew what his true purpose in life would be, who can say he knew what he would be anointed with before it was spoken. We're all made to fulfill some purpose in life, whatever that may be. We're all given talents to serve others in this world, and even our times of greatest failure can become the foundation for the greatest lessons learned, so in turn we add to God's glory in many ways through those lessons, those trials. Peter directly betrayed the son of God, and was still given the responsibility of building the foundations of the faith community we know today.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Over Coffee
Most of us spend enough time in the real world that we formally meet thousands of people over the years. I don't know about you but I can't remember half of their names 5 seconds after shaking their hand... usually when I meet multiple people at once. Being on staff in the res halls, I met and got to know more students than a grade school teacher, in any given year. But I didn't get anywhere near as good as some of my old teachers... how the heck do they remember me from everyone else after the first class period??? Sweetness.
And in any given day, I might hold conversations with dozens of people I know. But how many of those people would find time in their schedule, or myself in mine, to sit down and hold a conversation you wouldn't easily forget. How many friends share something more than how their day is going. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about the game tonight.
Of course, we don't have time or the energy to share everything with everyone, but a few always dig deeper. Even the completely crazy and spontaneous friends... some people are turned off by those I enjoy being around most ;-)
Non-surface conversations. (aka what this post is really about, if the rest doesn't make it obvious enough.) I value friends who make time for them, greatly. Especially for those who are honestly engaged in talking with you, and care for what you think as much as you care for their thoughts. For those that know when you need to go deeper into something you mention in passing. For the friends you can count on to get together and talk about anything, over coffee, or over nothing at all.
It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I prefer to talk about things that actually affect our lives and our values, not to mention viewpoints that we might not have considered before, and life stories that lead into not only understanding the other person better but even understanding our own lives a little more too. It excites me to find friends who spontaneously ask you about something typically taboo or sensitive, or just find conversation over life's simplest blessings, and aren't prying in any way to judge or compare you. For those who enjoy intelligent conversation, but will laugh over the stupidest things. And I'm probably laughing too.
I've found so few of these friends over the years, and I don't think it's because I haven't met the right people. I can blame it on many things, and still wonder if I'm just not a naturally engaging person on a deeper level. But really, I'm a listener. I've worked to be a better catalyst for growth, for activities/thought with the things I've been involved in, but at heart I just like to work off of other people's thought processes, and build on them. My own insanely random thought patterns usually remain in my head, while others think better out loud. And sometimes I meet up with someone special that just wants to share. I build off of what others share, and use my enthusiasm to focus on something and take it to the next level. It's pretty easy being someone who's easily amused, and curious about most anything. :)
I hold a lot of respect for those who are quite knowledgeable about a subject yet open-minded, and will be honest with you regardless of if they think it might be offensive or hurtful. I greatly admire those who like to think deeply about life with others. The word "deep" can be misconstrued, but i'll just throw it out there. At the risk of sounding exclusionary, i'll just say I'm turned off by those that are content to inundate themselves with superficial things, only concerned with ephemeral matters. I wish I was better at helping them challenge themselves to value greater things. I'll also throw out that I tend to be inspired greatly by those that think in the context of what the bible teaches... those that can apply and change their lives readily according to what Jesus taught us. As I touched on briefly in my last post, that's a pretty much infinite source of wisdom.
We're a society of multi-taskers... one reason I've been resistant to conversing online over the years is not just because of how impersonal it is, but because the longer I wait for someone to respond, the less value it feels like they have for our conversation. This along with how much I gauge people on their tone of voice, inflection... and all the non-verbal messages, makes most online conversations feel limited. In turn, the less I feel entitled to share on my end... so things stay surface-based most of the time. It's not a given, but it's the usual theme.
I don't want to inadvertently offend anyone here either, those short conversations mean a lot too if it's our only chance to catch up with someone we really care about knowing is ok. Even with the closest friends, it's just a way to stay connected until you can get together for more.
I enjoy when large groups of friends get together... "the more the merrier", but I prefer a real conversation that won't turn into a circus of everyone waiting to get their word in. I'm turned off by those that are just waiting for the next turn to hear themselves speak. I've done it before, that while someone else is talking I'm just waiting for my chance to throw in my own view. Maybe we all have, and maybe for some it's all they know.
And i don't understand how I can't get through to a deeper level with some friends I really want to, even those I might know them quite well... and others can readily go there with me. I think it goes back to my tendency to be a listener, and not a catalyst of what I value talking about. It has something to do with chemistry. Chances are, if you know me well you also know I don't like to talk about myself unless it's apparent that I have to ;-) Something I'm slowly changing.
But it excites me to no end, when I find someone that's just honestly curious about what you think... or not even that... just glad you're there to share their thoughts with you, and they know you'll value them. And sometimes these friends make the greatest people to just relax with, time to wind down and say nothing at all. Sometimes they'll call just to share the silliest thing that just happened, or show up at your door to have someone to vent, or even cry to.
I kept some of them at bay over the years, for various foolish reasons, and others were just in my life for too short a time. Maybe it's just my own problem, but with those that I know I could be closer friends with, if we start off a certain way, I'm not sure how to get closer when I finally want to.
But I miss those friends, dearly. It didn't even have to be my significant other, but she'll have to be one of them to hold that kinda title anyway.
I wish I had one with me now.
And in any given day, I might hold conversations with dozens of people I know. But how many of those people would find time in their schedule, or myself in mine, to sit down and hold a conversation you wouldn't easily forget. How many friends share something more than how their day is going. Let's talk about the weather. Let's talk about the game tonight.
Of course, we don't have time or the energy to share everything with everyone, but a few always dig deeper. Even the completely crazy and spontaneous friends... some people are turned off by those I enjoy being around most ;-)
Non-surface conversations. (aka what this post is really about, if the rest doesn't make it obvious enough.) I value friends who make time for them, greatly. Especially for those who are honestly engaged in talking with you, and care for what you think as much as you care for their thoughts. For those that know when you need to go deeper into something you mention in passing. For the friends you can count on to get together and talk about anything, over coffee, or over nothing at all.
It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I prefer to talk about things that actually affect our lives and our values, not to mention viewpoints that we might not have considered before, and life stories that lead into not only understanding the other person better but even understanding our own lives a little more too. It excites me to find friends who spontaneously ask you about something typically taboo or sensitive, or just find conversation over life's simplest blessings, and aren't prying in any way to judge or compare you. For those who enjoy intelligent conversation, but will laugh over the stupidest things. And I'm probably laughing too.
I've found so few of these friends over the years, and I don't think it's because I haven't met the right people. I can blame it on many things, and still wonder if I'm just not a naturally engaging person on a deeper level. But really, I'm a listener. I've worked to be a better catalyst for growth, for activities/thought with the things I've been involved in, but at heart I just like to work off of other people's thought processes, and build on them. My own insanely random thought patterns usually remain in my head, while others think better out loud. And sometimes I meet up with someone special that just wants to share. I build off of what others share, and use my enthusiasm to focus on something and take it to the next level. It's pretty easy being someone who's easily amused, and curious about most anything. :)
I hold a lot of respect for those who are quite knowledgeable about a subject yet open-minded, and will be honest with you regardless of if they think it might be offensive or hurtful. I greatly admire those who like to think deeply about life with others. The word "deep" can be misconstrued, but i'll just throw it out there. At the risk of sounding exclusionary, i'll just say I'm turned off by those that are content to inundate themselves with superficial things, only concerned with ephemeral matters. I wish I was better at helping them challenge themselves to value greater things. I'll also throw out that I tend to be inspired greatly by those that think in the context of what the bible teaches... those that can apply and change their lives readily according to what Jesus taught us. As I touched on briefly in my last post, that's a pretty much infinite source of wisdom.
We're a society of multi-taskers... one reason I've been resistant to conversing online over the years is not just because of how impersonal it is, but because the longer I wait for someone to respond, the less value it feels like they have for our conversation. This along with how much I gauge people on their tone of voice, inflection... and all the non-verbal messages, makes most online conversations feel limited. In turn, the less I feel entitled to share on my end... so things stay surface-based most of the time. It's not a given, but it's the usual theme.
I don't want to inadvertently offend anyone here either, those short conversations mean a lot too if it's our only chance to catch up with someone we really care about knowing is ok. Even with the closest friends, it's just a way to stay connected until you can get together for more.
I enjoy when large groups of friends get together... "the more the merrier", but I prefer a real conversation that won't turn into a circus of everyone waiting to get their word in. I'm turned off by those that are just waiting for the next turn to hear themselves speak. I've done it before, that while someone else is talking I'm just waiting for my chance to throw in my own view. Maybe we all have, and maybe for some it's all they know.
And i don't understand how I can't get through to a deeper level with some friends I really want to, even those I might know them quite well... and others can readily go there with me. I think it goes back to my tendency to be a listener, and not a catalyst of what I value talking about. It has something to do with chemistry. Chances are, if you know me well you also know I don't like to talk about myself unless it's apparent that I have to ;-) Something I'm slowly changing.
But it excites me to no end, when I find someone that's just honestly curious about what you think... or not even that... just glad you're there to share their thoughts with you, and they know you'll value them. And sometimes these friends make the greatest people to just relax with, time to wind down and say nothing at all. Sometimes they'll call just to share the silliest thing that just happened, or show up at your door to have someone to vent, or even cry to.
I kept some of them at bay over the years, for various foolish reasons, and others were just in my life for too short a time. Maybe it's just my own problem, but with those that I know I could be closer friends with, if we start off a certain way, I'm not sure how to get closer when I finally want to.
But I miss those friends, dearly. It didn't even have to be my significant other, but she'll have to be one of them to hold that kinda title anyway.
I wish I had one with me now.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Philosophy, and Transparency
I see the danger in waiting so long between posts, that I sit down to write and realize there's a number of things I have in queue on my mind. Well there's a heck of a lot that goes unsaid here, and I guess that fits in well to a topic that I'll touch on.
Journey Church recently went through a series titled Hungry... for what Matters Most. Have you ever been so hungry, that you stopped eating? That you prayed, without ceasing? The series talks about fasting, and it's amazing what fasting can help you do, not just for the über-spiritual as most think it's only for. I found it ironic that in this time my current church here in NY is touching on the same thing.
I haven't exactly stopped eating... but my hunger is unquenchable in another regard. There's many ways to pray... and it's now unceasing. There's wisdom to be found, and the search gives no rest.
I used to be big on Philosophy. There was even a time I considered it for my major. I realized a while back however, that if I had the time I would pretty much study EVERYTHING. Libraries would be a deathtrap if I didn't constantly fill up my time with responsibilities. But as a growing Christian, I'm coming to see that for myself it's purely academic to pursue studying such greats as Kierkegaard or Kant, in place of the Bible. If the Word of God had already been a priority in my life long ago, I might be more interested in fitting traditional philosophy in. But the bottom line is that of all the philo I've learned, the Bible either holds equivalent truth and far more, or the wisdom found therein is unshakable in contrast. I already revere Jesus as the greatest teacher who ever lived, and that goes without even mentioning the sacrifice he made for us, and the Father that made everything possible. I'm just discussing the pursuit of wisdom, and that wherever I go I am lead back to one source that never fails.
There's an article I'm basically pulling much of my thoughts on John from, here in a moment. I could give it due credit and just copy and paste, as the author is a much better writer than I. But I have my own perspective to mix in.
I find myself often asking why so many people feel the need to put up a facade... why sometimes people are so much better at portraying themselves as someone they're not, rather than just being themselves. I guess I'm confused partly because my philosophy is that if just being myself, and being completely truthful to others isn't good enough, then tough shiznit. I find it insanely easier to have nothing to hide, and let God take care of the rest. Ok so I realize that much of the world doesn't work that way and I would never survive as a used car salesman, but I can live with that.
We all know how hard it is to completely trust someone, especially when our past is marred by situations where trust has failed.
But as souls that were designed for companionship, we all need someone we can be completely vulnerable with. Someone we can fully trust to be exactly what they appear to be. We long to be completely transparent to someone else as well, someone that will be able to handle and understand our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and value them. The struggle between us finding this is a consequence of our sinful condition... the darkness and doubt we live in that keeps us from fully knowing ourselves, let alone others. Consider some verses from John:
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
-John 1:3-5
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
- 1 John 1:5-7
Wow. There's trusting God, and the path to trusting each other in a nutshell. The ignorance and sin apart from the truth, aka God, is darkness. It does not know anything but the lies... the facade.
The less we understand ourselves, the further we are from revealing our true nature to others. The further we are from God, the more toxic we can be to others as well.
The closer we actually walk with God, the greater His light shines on us and through us, and in turn the less darkness there is between us... so we may better be able to help each other grow, when we understand what the other needs.
We may never be able to trust one another as we do God... we can still learn to trust, just imperfectly. But the key here is that we can only have real fellowship with one another through Him, as he is the light of our lives and the light of our relationships with one another. Very recently in my life I have learned this the hard way, that we can not truly understand and find fellowship with one another except through God. I should have listened closer to John long ago, as when he continued this revelation with:
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
God can be counted on, completely. There is no "dark side" to God. Unlike those we might have unwisely trusted in our lives, He will not betray our confidence, He will not abandon us, He will not mislead us. Circumstances in life may make it seem like there is a dark side to God... lets not even get into the argument of how such an all-loving God would allow such evil in our lives... but John reminds us that God is life, and light. Evil is the work of Satan.
Speaking of evil, or great failures, Jesus is also known as the savior of great failures. The story of Peter is a story of deep repentance, and of victory over darkness. It's about the changing of a heart, of learning that NONE of us know more than God knows, to never fall into self-reliance. The easiest way Satan can win is to divide and conquer... pretty much what happens when we fail each other, isolate ourselves, and fail in fellowship... the time when it's easiest for us to fall into sin.
I admire Peter greatly in one regard... he let God be God to him. He didn't duck and run when he knew he failed, he took what was coming to him. And in turn he received grace instead. I'll leave the story to another post, as this one has gone on long enough ;-)
Journey Church recently went through a series titled Hungry... for what Matters Most. Have you ever been so hungry, that you stopped eating? That you prayed, without ceasing? The series talks about fasting, and it's amazing what fasting can help you do, not just for the über-spiritual as most think it's only for. I found it ironic that in this time my current church here in NY is touching on the same thing.
I haven't exactly stopped eating... but my hunger is unquenchable in another regard. There's many ways to pray... and it's now unceasing. There's wisdom to be found, and the search gives no rest.
I used to be big on Philosophy. There was even a time I considered it for my major. I realized a while back however, that if I had the time I would pretty much study EVERYTHING. Libraries would be a deathtrap if I didn't constantly fill up my time with responsibilities. But as a growing Christian, I'm coming to see that for myself it's purely academic to pursue studying such greats as Kierkegaard or Kant, in place of the Bible. If the Word of God had already been a priority in my life long ago, I might be more interested in fitting traditional philosophy in. But the bottom line is that of all the philo I've learned, the Bible either holds equivalent truth and far more, or the wisdom found therein is unshakable in contrast. I already revere Jesus as the greatest teacher who ever lived, and that goes without even mentioning the sacrifice he made for us, and the Father that made everything possible. I'm just discussing the pursuit of wisdom, and that wherever I go I am lead back to one source that never fails.
There's an article I'm basically pulling much of my thoughts on John from, here in a moment. I could give it due credit and just copy and paste, as the author is a much better writer than I. But I have my own perspective to mix in.
I find myself often asking why so many people feel the need to put up a facade... why sometimes people are so much better at portraying themselves as someone they're not, rather than just being themselves. I guess I'm confused partly because my philosophy is that if just being myself, and being completely truthful to others isn't good enough, then tough shiznit. I find it insanely easier to have nothing to hide, and let God take care of the rest. Ok so I realize that much of the world doesn't work that way and I would never survive as a used car salesman, but I can live with that.
We all know how hard it is to completely trust someone, especially when our past is marred by situations where trust has failed.
But as souls that were designed for companionship, we all need someone we can be completely vulnerable with. Someone we can fully trust to be exactly what they appear to be. We long to be completely transparent to someone else as well, someone that will be able to handle and understand our vulnerability, our weaknesses, and value them. The struggle between us finding this is a consequence of our sinful condition... the darkness and doubt we live in that keeps us from fully knowing ourselves, let alone others. Consider some verses from John:
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
-John 1:3-5
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
- 1 John 1:5-7
Wow. There's trusting God, and the path to trusting each other in a nutshell. The ignorance and sin apart from the truth, aka God, is darkness. It does not know anything but the lies... the facade.
The less we understand ourselves, the further we are from revealing our true nature to others. The further we are from God, the more toxic we can be to others as well.
The closer we actually walk with God, the greater His light shines on us and through us, and in turn the less darkness there is between us... so we may better be able to help each other grow, when we understand what the other needs.
We may never be able to trust one another as we do God... we can still learn to trust, just imperfectly. But the key here is that we can only have real fellowship with one another through Him, as he is the light of our lives and the light of our relationships with one another. Very recently in my life I have learned this the hard way, that we can not truly understand and find fellowship with one another except through God. I should have listened closer to John long ago, as when he continued this revelation with:
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
God can be counted on, completely. There is no "dark side" to God. Unlike those we might have unwisely trusted in our lives, He will not betray our confidence, He will not abandon us, He will not mislead us. Circumstances in life may make it seem like there is a dark side to God... lets not even get into the argument of how such an all-loving God would allow such evil in our lives... but John reminds us that God is life, and light. Evil is the work of Satan.
Speaking of evil, or great failures, Jesus is also known as the savior of great failures. The story of Peter is a story of deep repentance, and of victory over darkness. It's about the changing of a heart, of learning that NONE of us know more than God knows, to never fall into self-reliance. The easiest way Satan can win is to divide and conquer... pretty much what happens when we fail each other, isolate ourselves, and fail in fellowship... the time when it's easiest for us to fall into sin.
I admire Peter greatly in one regard... he let God be God to him. He didn't duck and run when he knew he failed, he took what was coming to him. And in turn he received grace instead. I'll leave the story to another post, as this one has gone on long enough ;-)
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Breaking News: Economists declare water at least 50 percent wet!
and lawyers declare that i didn't just steal that from a newsletter.
Neither statement has anything to do with this post.
First video test 1..2...3...
Neither statement has anything to do with this post.
First video test 1..2...3...
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Love Song for a Savior.
If there's one album that's proven itself timeless, it's Jars of Clay's self titled release, circa 1995. If you don't listen to them, chances are you've at least heard the single Flood.It's one of those albums that play as a soundtrack to my years, with messages that directly speak to my life more every time I hit play and tones that hit dead on to where I've been and what I hope to find. Ok so maaaaybe I skip over a couple songs, but if you ever want to get into my head this is a good start.
I've listened briefly to a few other albums of theirs... I think i'll start playing those to see what they've really been up to for oh, the last 13 years. You'd think I would have followed them closer like The Goo Goo Dolls, but I think Jars got lost in my obsession with 90s Rock through high school and into undergrad. They even toured with Sting and Matchbox 20 at one point when their hits crossed over to rock popularity, but I was never big into live shows until late in high school. Not to mention the fact that the keyboardist's dad was my childhood Dentist, haha... a couple founding members are from my hometown. I once asked the dental hygienist why there was a humongous poster of the band hanging on the wall, and there's your answer. Maybe I'll schedule another appointment to see if I can get tix to their next appearance around here ;-)
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
~
Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's....
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
~2 Chronicles 20:15,17
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
~2 Chronicles 20:15,17
Friday, November 28, 2008
So what's up next? Bring it.
It's good to see old friends again, like a little Spencerport reunion tonight, and I'm grateful every time we can. Many friends I've seen recently are just starting families, others are in school still and are far from tying the knot, and still others are planning which school to send their little blessings to.
The last two nights have been a reminder of where I'm at now tho, in relation to where I thought I'd be. I might as well write about it briefly.
It's pretty obvious 2008 is turning out drastically different from what I'd envisioned... what I really hoped and prayed for. But it's really just about blazing a new path the best I can now, wherever that might lead, and trusting He'll guide me the right way. Another reminder that things just don't work out the way we want them to.
The Thanksgiving movie choice to see Four Christmases didn't help any more than seeing those around me in real life find a way to come together with kids of their own... helping them grow with joy after the parents were blessed with the same in each others' lives.
I don't want to begin my own family before being ready, I just wonder if I'll ever get my chance at being called Dad. Or maybe i'd prefer Papa, haha. I kinda wanted my kids to remember my grandparents, among other things, and they're not getting any younger. And hey, I kindasortamaybeobviously knew who I wanted their mother to be, right? Just not in the plan. Heck, there's been times I doubted if i'm even supposed to have my own kids. But a lot's changed in recent years. A moment can change a lot too.
Hey, the longer it takes the greater the chance they'll see the 22nd century, right? lol.
But the Lord decides when we're ready, and we just do the best to fulfill the roles we're given when they come.
I guess I'll eventually find out, won't I.
***
Jeremiah 29:11
***
The last two nights have been a reminder of where I'm at now tho, in relation to where I thought I'd be. I might as well write about it briefly.
It's pretty obvious 2008 is turning out drastically different from what I'd envisioned... what I really hoped and prayed for. But it's really just about blazing a new path the best I can now, wherever that might lead, and trusting He'll guide me the right way. Another reminder that things just don't work out the way we want them to.
The Thanksgiving movie choice to see Four Christmases didn't help any more than seeing those around me in real life find a way to come together with kids of their own... helping them grow with joy after the parents were blessed with the same in each others' lives.
I don't want to begin my own family before being ready, I just wonder if I'll ever get my chance at being called Dad. Or maybe i'd prefer Papa, haha. I kinda wanted my kids to remember my grandparents, among other things, and they're not getting any younger. And hey, I kindasortamaybeobviously knew who I wanted their mother to be, right? Just not in the plan. Heck, there's been times I doubted if i'm even supposed to have my own kids. But a lot's changed in recent years. A moment can change a lot too.
Hey, the longer it takes the greater the chance they'll see the 22nd century, right? lol.
But the Lord decides when we're ready, and we just do the best to fulfill the roles we're given when they come.
I guess I'll eventually find out, won't I.
***
Jeremiah 29:11
***
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Gobble Gobble :D
Sure, the turkey is tradition and so is the ensuing drowsy nap after consuming so much food in one sitting... and in my case a good amount of wine and espresso where the espresso wins out, so i'm still hyper 6 hours before I need to head to work in the morning, oops.
While I'm headed to bed, a bunch of my family is at the moment running into the outlet mall for the midnight opening of Black Friday, haha. And that's just the beginning.... wait til the coordianted battle plans begin for the early morning doorbusters. Be thankful if you're standing in line tonight that they're not competing to get the same stuff ;-)
I found myself this year completely uninterested in the consumer rush. Don't get me wrong, I might be crazy to admit it but i enjoy shopping... when I'm with friends. Often I would walk out of a mall without anything for myself unless it was on my list or someone else helped me find it, haha :) But it's just a reminder of how i've changed in recent years, how very little I now care for material things. You can't take them with you, as they say... and I've spent more than enough precious time in my life focused on buying things for myself. Maybe I was just a lot more focused on my own material needs as opposed to those who just love the shopping season because it's an excuse to give others something :).
Even my little endeavors at buying and selling on ebay to help pay for expenses ( you don't get much money in hand as an RA :P) were efficient ways to make a few bucks... but in all reality it just sapped away time I could have used for things I really care about. I had made it an almost addicting habit of checking deal sites... I'm insanely good at finding deals on things now and managing my own finances, but where has that gotten me in life? It's a lot of time I could have been building on the relationships that matter. Now I've got a bunch of things sitting here in my room from this past year that I need to sell, and I have very little motivation to spend time on getting rid of them, haha.
You know, I could sit here and rant about our sadly consumeristic society, and mourn how the real focus of Christmas has been lost by so many, starting on this eve of the Christmas buying season. But you've all heard that before. This crazed flurry of coupons and credit cards does have some silver lining to it, tho. The shopping can bring people together for a little bonding time... in my case family who don't normally see each other much. It might be a natural instinct for some girls out there, lol, but it can be a rarity among guys. I might not have much interest in the black friday deals, feeling like i don't "need" anything, but I'd get to have some fun with them, and my xmas shopping would be done early for once! So I'm actually kinda bummed I have to work in the morning, when it'll be DEAD, cuz who comes to the grocery store the day after thanksgiving.
Maybe I'll ask every customer who walks in the door if they're lost, or if someone stole their leftovers.
I hope everyone reading this had the chance today to spend time with family and/or friends. Of course, we can't be in two places at once, which is often the trouble. I know I've spent a number of my own thanksgiving dinners away from home, but it's always good to give the ones you're away from a call to let them know you are grateful for the blessing they've been in your lives. It doesn't ever have to be on this one designated day of the year either.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
While I'm headed to bed, a bunch of my family is at the moment running into the outlet mall for the midnight opening of Black Friday, haha. And that's just the beginning.... wait til the coordianted battle plans begin for the early morning doorbusters. Be thankful if you're standing in line tonight that they're not competing to get the same stuff ;-)
I found myself this year completely uninterested in the consumer rush. Don't get me wrong, I might be crazy to admit it but i enjoy shopping... when I'm with friends. Often I would walk out of a mall without anything for myself unless it was on my list or someone else helped me find it, haha :) But it's just a reminder of how i've changed in recent years, how very little I now care for material things. You can't take them with you, as they say... and I've spent more than enough precious time in my life focused on buying things for myself. Maybe I was just a lot more focused on my own material needs as opposed to those who just love the shopping season because it's an excuse to give others something :).
Even my little endeavors at buying and selling on ebay to help pay for expenses ( you don't get much money in hand as an RA :P) were efficient ways to make a few bucks... but in all reality it just sapped away time I could have used for things I really care about. I had made it an almost addicting habit of checking deal sites... I'm insanely good at finding deals on things now and managing my own finances, but where has that gotten me in life? It's a lot of time I could have been building on the relationships that matter. Now I've got a bunch of things sitting here in my room from this past year that I need to sell, and I have very little motivation to spend time on getting rid of them, haha.
You know, I could sit here and rant about our sadly consumeristic society, and mourn how the real focus of Christmas has been lost by so many, starting on this eve of the Christmas buying season. But you've all heard that before. This crazed flurry of coupons and credit cards does have some silver lining to it, tho. The shopping can bring people together for a little bonding time... in my case family who don't normally see each other much. It might be a natural instinct for some girls out there, lol, but it can be a rarity among guys. I might not have much interest in the black friday deals, feeling like i don't "need" anything, but I'd get to have some fun with them, and my xmas shopping would be done early for once! So I'm actually kinda bummed I have to work in the morning, when it'll be DEAD, cuz who comes to the grocery store the day after thanksgiving.
Maybe I'll ask every customer who walks in the door if they're lost, or if someone stole their leftovers.
I hope everyone reading this had the chance today to spend time with family and/or friends. Of course, we can't be in two places at once, which is often the trouble. I know I've spent a number of my own thanksgiving dinners away from home, but it's always good to give the ones you're away from a call to let them know you are grateful for the blessing they've been in your lives. It doesn't ever have to be on this one designated day of the year either.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Joy, misplaced.
I don't think I've felt joy in over a month.
I'm forgetting what it means to to make a conscious connection between the blessings of my life... what God has given to me... and my heart. It's one thing to know the truth, but completely another to actually live in it.
I'm forgetting what it feels like to smile, or even laugh.
And yet I still know, it's somehow a blessing.
I had to fall for her, completely.
before I could be broken, completely.
I know why it had to happen this way, and why it couldn't happen til now. My joy wasn't in the Lord, first and foremost.
Don't be mistaken... joy isn't happiness. Happiness is about circumstance, and the closest this come to that is the loss of the relationship I had all my hope entrusted to being gone. I lost what I found all my joy in... What made me happy was what I was joyful about. And I didn't add her to the joy I needed before finding her... it was only her in that place. Honestly, I have grown some in faith and in Joy with the Lord, but he wasn't put above all.
At first I didn't understand why I couldn't find strength in what I still have... couldn't find any at all after knowing she was gone for good.
All of the joy in my life eventually shared one constant until now. And this is where happiness comes in, at least. Everything I found happiness in and wanted in my future was either a part of her, a part of us, or very much something associated with her. Until now I had comfort in other areas, i had distractions... my work, my education, many people around me to connect with, and eventually my career path. All of those have been taken away for the time being, and that's why it happened now, when i was at my weakest.
It's made everything I loved in life... from trivial reminders of movies we saw up to the weather I use constantly in aviation... a painful reminder of what I can't carry into tomorrow.
But more importantly, I understand what it really did to our relationship. My joy was focused on her, and her alone... I could never help her grow, or even help myself grow, the more I only became a mirror of her life... in a matter of speaking. It was a natural progression without the guidance of our Lord. We were so frighteningly similar in personality and what we loved in life, that the focus became solely on what we shared, and what we wanted to share in the future. Together we found such energy, and such comfort and hope for connecting in the way we both knew we were brought together to find so long ago. It was... crazybeautiful. But our path could never go forward from there, not in this way.
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
I've always felt called to be a leader in turn... after I'd followed those before me, in due time. I had always hoped by now, at almost 26, it would apply to my faith life, possibly a ministry, and in turn for those close to me. To really help transform people's lives in a way they'd need. I spent so much of my time and energy in college with that aim, but in the Res Halls I was so little for so many instead of so much for a few. I needed the relationships that hold you accountable, the relationships that challenge and straighten your path when you go astray. I might have been in a very different place right now if I had found the friendships then that I'm finding now... the ones that are making it so clear that putting the Lord first... finding joy in HIM above all else... not replacing Him with each other, is the only way to build the strongest of companionships.
I wanted to be in a specific place by now, where I'm able to help those who have gone astray, even as i have now. At least I'm finally headed that way.
The Joy that should be for the Lord first, and foremost... was where she was in my heart. We couldn't grow together without our hearts focus being in the right place... so now I'm being called back. We couldn't come to each other except through the Lord, and seeing how others have done so with such joy is making it ever so clear now. I tried coming to her first and the Lord second, and it needed to be the other way around. I couldn't help her grow, or us grow, when all i saw was what she saw. I can't shake the feeling that we were brought together for so much more than what we found, but we never could have found it without letting His guidance show us the way.
I now know how to trust this plan he has for me... I had to be completely broken of my former self first. It took this much sacrifice to bring me back. I might have held out otherwise, as I have before. i just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of losing the chance to grow with the most amazing friend I could ask for, in the years to come... a friend I could very well never even see again, in this life.
I was searching for something given, not found. It was never something I could do on my own, as much as I thought I could. And now I'm completely broken, and hope for nothing more than to be shown what the Lord wants me to be for Him. I may not know joy again for awhile, but the Joy of the Lord is now my strength.
I'm forgetting what it means to to make a conscious connection between the blessings of my life... what God has given to me... and my heart. It's one thing to know the truth, but completely another to actually live in it.
I'm forgetting what it feels like to smile, or even laugh.
And yet I still know, it's somehow a blessing.
I had to fall for her, completely.
before I could be broken, completely.
I know why it had to happen this way, and why it couldn't happen til now. My joy wasn't in the Lord, first and foremost.
Don't be mistaken... joy isn't happiness. Happiness is about circumstance, and the closest this come to that is the loss of the relationship I had all my hope entrusted to being gone. I lost what I found all my joy in... What made me happy was what I was joyful about. And I didn't add her to the joy I needed before finding her... it was only her in that place. Honestly, I have grown some in faith and in Joy with the Lord, but he wasn't put above all.
At first I didn't understand why I couldn't find strength in what I still have... couldn't find any at all after knowing she was gone for good.
All of the joy in my life eventually shared one constant until now. And this is where happiness comes in, at least. Everything I found happiness in and wanted in my future was either a part of her, a part of us, or very much something associated with her. Until now I had comfort in other areas, i had distractions... my work, my education, many people around me to connect with, and eventually my career path. All of those have been taken away for the time being, and that's why it happened now, when i was at my weakest.
It's made everything I loved in life... from trivial reminders of movies we saw up to the weather I use constantly in aviation... a painful reminder of what I can't carry into tomorrow.
But more importantly, I understand what it really did to our relationship. My joy was focused on her, and her alone... I could never help her grow, or even help myself grow, the more I only became a mirror of her life... in a matter of speaking. It was a natural progression without the guidance of our Lord. We were so frighteningly similar in personality and what we loved in life, that the focus became solely on what we shared, and what we wanted to share in the future. Together we found such energy, and such comfort and hope for connecting in the way we both knew we were brought together to find so long ago. It was... crazybeautiful. But our path could never go forward from there, not in this way.
"i am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing... I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete."
~John 15:5-11
I've always felt called to be a leader in turn... after I'd followed those before me, in due time. I had always hoped by now, at almost 26, it would apply to my faith life, possibly a ministry, and in turn for those close to me. To really help transform people's lives in a way they'd need. I spent so much of my time and energy in college with that aim, but in the Res Halls I was so little for so many instead of so much for a few. I needed the relationships that hold you accountable, the relationships that challenge and straighten your path when you go astray. I might have been in a very different place right now if I had found the friendships then that I'm finding now... the ones that are making it so clear that putting the Lord first... finding joy in HIM above all else... not replacing Him with each other, is the only way to build the strongest of companionships.
I wanted to be in a specific place by now, where I'm able to help those who have gone astray, even as i have now. At least I'm finally headed that way.
The Joy that should be for the Lord first, and foremost... was where she was in my heart. We couldn't grow together without our hearts focus being in the right place... so now I'm being called back. We couldn't come to each other except through the Lord, and seeing how others have done so with such joy is making it ever so clear now. I tried coming to her first and the Lord second, and it needed to be the other way around. I couldn't help her grow, or us grow, when all i saw was what she saw. I can't shake the feeling that we were brought together for so much more than what we found, but we never could have found it without letting His guidance show us the way.
I now know how to trust this plan he has for me... I had to be completely broken of my former self first. It took this much sacrifice to bring me back. I might have held out otherwise, as I have before. i just wish it didn't have to come at the expense of losing the chance to grow with the most amazing friend I could ask for, in the years to come... a friend I could very well never even see again, in this life.
I was searching for something given, not found. It was never something I could do on my own, as much as I thought I could. And now I'm completely broken, and hope for nothing more than to be shown what the Lord wants me to be for Him. I may not know joy again for awhile, but the Joy of the Lord is now my strength.
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