A little Perspective

Worth watching, I promise.

(click on the play button below the video. Clicking on the video itself goes to the originating website for some blasted reason :P)

If I had two hands...

Only a few lessons into The Truth Project @ church, and more questions I've had about life have already been answered than in 20 years of formal education. So that might be a stretch. But at the very least the importance for a solid foundation in our worldview, concerning what we believe, is becoming so apparent.

I'm not going to turn this into a synopsis of what i've learned. But a simple observation from the latest lesson is what's been tugging at my heart for the better part of the last few years, in one way or another. I'll expand on this.

It's amazing. How people... being inherently social creatures who need and seek out relationship with others, can pack themselves by the millions in urban areas, travel the earth, become so much more connected by technology year after year, work closely with colleagues, eat dinner with family every night, and all too often still feel so very, very... alone.

I used to be that kid in third grade who constantly had his hand up, because I was so excited to know the answer to something and wanted to share it with the rest of the world. Like I was going to explode if I didn't get it out. Or how about when you're so madly in love with someone, and you just want to shout it out so every last soul in the world knows (or you can rest your vocal chords, cuz it's the 21st century and we have something called status updates on facebook. Or tweets.) It's really not much different from getting to the point where all the big question marks in life start to disappear... when you finally begin to see how it all works, and understand who you really are. And you wonder why everyone else can't see what you're beginning to see... you wonder what's getting between them and the truth. It's nothing short of being transformed.

In my case, I wonder what I can do, with my education, my experiences, with my own two hands, to help others bridge the gap. To see how our culture, our society works and want to open eveeyone's eyes. Set them in the right direction. Specifically, bridge the gap the church struggles so much with in reaching out to the masses... andin turn nurturing community that reaches beyond the steeples and relatively few homes that practice what is preached. To connect and transform not just a select few, but villages, towns, cities, nations. What can I do. Where can I start.

Sometime around seventh grade my hand stopped flying into the air for every question. It's been about that long since I've felt equipped with the answers. But as with many things, you need to be looking in the right place...

Shout it out let the people sing,
Something so powerful
should shake the whole wide world.
~Matt Redman (Beautiful News)

the evidence of things unseen....

For we walk by faith, not by sight.
~2 Cor 5:7

Can I highlight this post? Highlighters are badass.

The Bible speaks for itself. Nothing can be added, and nothing can be taken away. Although I often try to interpret the Truth as applicable to my own life and then share it here, everyone is at a different place in their lives. What I'm experiencing is unlikely to be what anyone here is going through attm. However, the Truth is for everyone, and is meant to lead us all [on infinitely varying paths] to one destination :)

I won't attempt a lengthy deciphering of this past week. Not...yet. Sometimes I try way too hard to understand the events/words/coincidences that weave together our journey. Looking for profound meaning in life's everyday experiences. All too often I have to remind myself that I just need to give what I have to what's right before me, and let the profound come naturally, later on, when my perspective is more complete.

The significance and cause of the cliche phrase "hindsight is 20/20" just hit me as I wrote that. I think I just got sassed by God. Yes, I just claimed that God is a sassy God...

Everything is so much simpler than we tend to make it. The closer I get to Him, the simpler it gets :)

This past week = 2 Corinthians 5:7. The theme began last Sunday when Psalm of Abraham by Audra Lynn came out of nowhere and wouldn't stop playing in my head. So random. But not really... my thoughts work heavily through music, and I believe it's often how the Lord speaks to me:

Psalm of Abraham by rpavia

From there, quite a few other reminders culminating up to today, where the message in Church was all about this (from Mark 2). It's where Jesus responds to those walking in faith, and not by sight. Truly walking. As Pastor Mark said in this sermon: "if you're not walking in faith, then you're not walking".

Then after work, I went to see Book of Eli with a fantastic friend, to close out the day... and having no idea what it would be about. If anyone's seen the movie... you know what I'm getting at in all of this. If not, GO SEE IT. Like, NOW.

Just a movie? Yes. Hitting home something that the Lord has been trying to implant within me this week? Maybe :) I have a lot of work to do in walking by faith.... don't we all. This is just a seed being planted.... not a vine to prune and find fruit in. Not something to search for the profound in, just yet.

I truly think coincidences are less often a result of our selective perception, and more often (always?) a way that God gets our attention fixed on something. While we might not know the significance of it, the occurrence has a purpose. The moral of the story being not to hurt yourself by trying understand how God works. Magic tricks weren't invented so that the audience could figure them out :P

Think of coincidences as God's little yellow highlighter. I love highlighters.

ding?

The last time I was this intrigued with a potential pursuit, Schwarzenegger had just been elected to office and I reached the legal drinking age. The first time was not influenced by alcohol and I'm pretty sure this time wasn't either ;-)

To say that I've stumbled onto something I seriously want to study and engage in would be a premature assessment. But in the previous year of prayer, I needed to empty myself of worldly biases and narrowed vision concerning my career path to find the place I'm in now. The previous mindset had seemingly answered little, and pointed nowhere of worth. Lets explore where I'm coming from.

We could start and end with John 15:5-11. This whole past year could... as my focus. But how about some details.

I've had a multitude of career interests, to say the least. But a winning mix of potential, practicality, and chemistry with my own strengths has evaded me all these years. Lets take a quick glimpse at the big ones: By 6th grade I was a natural artist, who realized in 7th grade that pencils and clay weren't going to feed a family. By 8th grade I was in love with Jazz... 11th grade inspired to teach music, and realized once college applications were rolling in that I couldn't improvise worth a damn, let alone teach anything coherently to anyone, even in my other favorite (physics) classes. I spent more time playing Soccer than anything else in my youth, and well, that's a sport; 'nuff said. So soccer/music would become mere hobbies, right? I always had a love of aviation, so... what was a good mix of career potential with this and my desire to work in R&D someday? Aeronautical Engineering, naturally :) With this pursuit in college came the realization that I had seriously underestimated how much math I would be doing, how theoretical it was, and how little my creative hands-on strengths would be employed. I felt disconnected from so much of myself in this field. So very disengaged. And I knew I would probably be heading to SoCal, Washington, Kansas, or D.C. if I wanted to work for the big aerospace employers. So when the opportunity to get hands-on within aviation as a pilot presented itself, I couldn't resist the thought of flying for a living, and as an airline pilot potentially work anywhere in the world. Moving back home to NY? Perhaps... family is pretty important to me. But I had a good idea by this time that I juuuuust might have run into a certain someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... and with her career pursuits being quite ambitious, the potential for geographical flexibility in my own career seemed pretty important. That was the deal breaker in my decision to enter flight school. Some years whirl by. 2008 rolls around as I come to the realization that being a pilot is anything but conducive to flexibility, stability, or security as I had once envisioned for a family. From youth to now all I had wanted was a talent, a profession, a direction that I could run with and achieve great things in (eventually). And someone to walk with in all things, and be excited to adventure with into tomorrow. 27 years in, and the slate is seemingly still clean.

Nothing tugged at my heart more over the years than the little voice inside me saying that I was going nowhere without Christ... without pursuing that relationship and accompanying wisdom I needed to gain with more fervor than any worldly pursuit. It sparked my curiosity in my early years... it poked at unfulfilled places of my heart in high school, and shed a growing light on what I was missing as I ventured into college. The aforementioned concerns took control, and I didn't yet have the faith to see that the answers weren't going to be found within myself. I needed to be transformed to ever move forward. Even up to the last couple months, doors had been shut on any progress professionally that might lead to something other than what the Lord intends for me. And it took until now to realize that I had been running *from* so many things that I should have been running *to*, all these years. Running in fear... of falling short in things I truly cared for, if I really tried. It was a twisted self-defense mechanism, brought on mainly by false worldly reasoning, and knee-jerk reactions to minor setbacks.

Coming face to face with the realization that I had made my faith a secondary priority and let the things that I love slip away in the lack of direction all those years devastated me. Don't get me wrong... it wasn't like I woke up one day and realized all this... I had been slowly drawing my thoughts inward and shutting down to others as I became more and more frustrated with my lack of progress professionally and spiritually. It doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to guess what that did to the most important relationships in my life. I had always been independent, associating myself with so many different groups and establishing myself nowhere. And I got to the point where I realized close relationships, and especially the one with my savior, was paramount in growing maturity and strength as an individual and as a member of a family and community.

So I've summarized my historical setbacks. Does it sound like a sob-story? Pleeease, self-pity is far from a problem... I'm joyful in being able to come face-to-face with my mistakes, if only to learn from them and head the right direction from here on out.

I've singled out the things I fell short in for this post... there's a reason I didn't mention my huge time commitment as an RA, and a Staff Resident. There's a reason I didn't mention my involvement in the Church (ever increasing, at least) and what my ambitions are now. I understand my strengths, and what I want in life so much better now. I've learned that there's so much to be said for trusting your instincts, and that in the famous words of Dr. Howard Thurman:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."

And I finally know what makes me come alive... or at least I now realize the importance of these things. It's led me to an interesting concept I wanted to introduce tonight... but this post has gotten pretty long ;-) Also, I have a lot more exploring to do before I say much... as I said in the beginning of this post, to say that I've stumbled onto something I seriously want to study and engage in would be a premature assessment. But if you want a teaser into where it's headed, some keywords are Community, Culture, Google, and an amazing little concept I stumbled upon called Physchogeography. Stay tuned :)

Spirit Led

The overwhelming number of thoughts/experiences backlogged that I want to share is a telltale sign that I have one of two problems:
1. I don't write nearly often enough.
2. There's a missing avenue of interaction in my life where these thoughts would be more effectively expressed and put to good use.
3. I am a banana. (and math is not my forte)

Amidst the disappointments, dead ends, and uncertainty of my recent paths in life, there's a resolve that has risen up to take the place of a worldly perspective that once ruled my consciousness. A transformation is taking place; that without stillness in every other area of my life, may never have come. Truly, the Lord is directing me in ways I had never imagined.

No matter where this gift.... this mysteriously beautiful adventure we call life takes us, nothing is more important than the source of it all. So much in life eventually fades away, so much comes and goes. But the relationships we build echo into tomorrow, and our relationship with the creator echoes into eternity.

All things come from Him, and all things worth pursuing are good in His sight. It's an inescapable fact is that everything that leads away from Him is eventually a dead end in life. The road to something greater is through seeking His will;... seeking that which reflects God's own heart.

And so one thing that is certain amidst all the doubt in my life. It will from this time forward, aim to be spirit led.

When I first heard the Jars of Clay single "two hands" on the radio, I didn't think much of it. The rest of the album, frankly, spoke a lot more into my life. But the reality is that I've been fighting a battle between two voices in my spirit and in my mind, for years. I've lacked the ability to move forward in so many facets of life because of this battle... it becomes clearer every day what the Lord's intentions were in keeping me on this battleground, without a worldly pursuit to escape into. It's been a trial, on many fronts, and if anything James I (NIV) is a peek into exactly where I'm coming from (and going):

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. ... Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

The Lord wants us to be all in. We can't have one foot in the water and one in the sand, so to speak. In my search for a new direction in life, I once started with the ever popular Purpose Driven Life (PDL) devotional. I knew by the first few pages that it was a glimpse into exactly what I was missing. I dove in with the best of intentions, with friends, and the highest of hopes in finally starting a spirit filled dialogue with someone I had wanted to walk with in Christ for so many years. But it didn't take long to see that as much as I longed for my spirit to be in the right place, I wasn't seeking the Lord's heart above all else... I was seeking hers. Big problemo. Inverting those priorities within the heart isn't exactly like flipping a switch, a takes a lot more than occasional prayer. Needless to say, PDL was put on hold... as I knew it wouldn't lead me to any real change without placing Him first. And I knew I could never lead anyone else, let alone a family, without His voice coming through loud and clear above all others. I was so angry, and so frustrated that the companion I had been praying for my whole life was right before me, had been for some time, and I was completely unprepared to move forward with her. To this day I've encountered little evidence to contradict that I gave up a once in a lifetime chance. The Lord brought kindred hearts together, and for what purpose with this result I still cannot say. I know this is all preparing me for something greater, something... real. It's amazing how in the face of all despair, when every worldly indicator says that the best has gone and passed you by, the spirit of truth whispers a familiar promise :D I can't wait to take on tomorrow... and with a little hope that there'll be someone to walk into it with me, in all ways.

So what voices had been pulling me in different directions? No, we're not schizo ;-). My mind keeps seeking what I know I need, but to implant these things upon my heart so that they're an integral part of the way I operate is quite the challenge. It comes down to more than the voice of God vs. worldly reason/desires. It comes down to a mindset.

I consider myself a relatively unselfish person... I enjoy serving others in many ways, and would drop my own priorities to help someone out in a heartbeat. I don't like to talk about myself all that much... other peoples' stories, experiences, talents, and viewpoints fascinate me more than most anything. So i've spent much of my life listening to and evaluating the 'needs' of those around me. But when I take a good honest look at how relatively little insight I have into the psychological (emotional/social/spiritual) needs of those closest to me, it begs the question... where am I going wrong?

There's a reason Jesus died on the cross for us. Well, ok there's something that it exhibits in denying human nature... in forgoing self-preservation. In Jesus' mind... WE always came first, before himself. His instincts were motherly in nature, if you will. The first thought was how to redeem us in the fathers' eyes... how to save us. Not himself.

When I keep tabs of what's going on in my mind throughout any given day, it becomes readily apparent that my mind is faaaaaar too preoccupied with selfish concerns. What do *I* need here, what will *I* gain there. I spend far too little time concerned with the thoughts and needs of others. Deeper needs are given so little brainpower.... I usually stop at the surface. Maybe this is common in society... but it's not ok. Penetrating insight, if you will, is not something you're born with. I wholeheartedly believe it begins with a mindset, and is developed over time with healthy relationships. The key I'm getting at is where the mindset begins; its foundation. Some people are brought up in families/environments that prepare them well for this... and so they transition to bearing greater responsibility in life quicker than others. I know plenty of brilliant people... some who are gifted socially as well. But it's no coincidence that the wisest and most successful people I admire are often the strongest Christians I know. Christianity is not a 'religion'... when you get down to it, it's a way of life, a revelation of truth, and a way of thinking. And the further I dive into it, the more excited I am to go deeper. The bible is not a 'manual' for how to live... it's the truth we constantly strive to follow, and realize with every answered question we're still only scratching the surface.

I'm just getting into this, and I've been slowly writing this post over a week or so. But it's time to rest. 'til tomorrow...buona notte.

This is about the time when news coverage on Haiti starts to trail off... but the need for recovery efforts and support is as dire as it was the moment the ground started shaking. Already being the most impoverished nation in the Western hemisphere makes it all the more important to send support, in any way we can. Every little bit helps. I'd offer my services as a pilot if the need was there... but the AOPA and gov't officials make a good point with saying our $$ would be better served in sending the money we'd use on gas just in getting there. It would be remiss of me to not put *something* here, tho.

Haiti Earthquake

I have PLENTY more I want to write on, but just a little something for now.

In the past year I've considered turning this journal into more than just an occasional thought repository. The question has really centered around *IF* I want to expand my online presence, and to what degree... I've cut out so many useless/harmful things in my life, simplified my focus to a few critical goals, and it's made everything so much clearer and opened up so much free time to focus on things i can build upon. Unproductive time online has been very much reduced, among other things.

What use is there to an online journal, then? Sure it helps me collect and organize my thoughts and experiences. But one thing that stuck out in my time at Oklahoma was a sermon at the church right around the corner from where I lived... a personal account, actually, from one of the friendliest and most active guys I met in that community. He told his account of how he came to know Christ, and how he wants his life to be an open book to those around him.

That's a pretty general statement... an open book. We all have things we keep personal, and for good reason. But many of us keep to ourselves aspects of our lives that need to be shared with others. Especially with those closest to us. If there's something I've kept hidden, I have to ask myself why. More often than not, it's directly linked to a problem I need to overcome. And we all know how important it is for others to walk with us through not only the good times, but the tough ones too.

If I took as many pictures as I used to, It would practically be a photo blog of recent events. The last 3 months in Oklahoma would have been a pretty good story to keep updating... road trips, go-karting, random mischief/mayhem (fyi nothing to get me arrested mind you ;-) good times with good friends, and an extremely fun/historic blizzard to be a part of. My camera has been collecting dust. This will change as soon as I get back to events worth taking pics of, and posting for everyone to see :) The last year has been very introspective, and my focus has needed to turn outward as of late.

And I want my life to be an open book, of sorts. If what fills my days are not something I would share with others (not necessarily on this journal, tho) then there's something wrong. If I had tagged previous posts with labels, I could reference some biblical reasons I've given before, lol. Maybe I'll go back and do that. I'll continue more later... as I've updated less and less on facebook. There is a place for this journal, and I have a feeling it will grow soon enough!

Don't forget about Haiti... it's not just another country, not just another Katrina, or Tsunami. Don't forget the lives that need us.

01/10/10

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

~David Crowder*Band

sunny with a high of 75?

Hello, 2010! I have a great feeling about this year. :D Maybe even the decade, and then some. That's all for tonight.

In other news, this is how we open every January in Rochester, lol:

Merry Christmas! And... Happy New Year?

Big day tomorrow. This would be appropriate:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Maryann Williamson

Flashback

Sometimes a song will get stuck in my head for hours... usually something I've been listening to recently, and more often than not a soundtrack to what's going on in my life. But all week I've had a rewind to high school embedded in the middle of my studies, efficiently making retention of most anything impossible. Sometimes I need an off button for the rest of life, so my brain can focus on what's right in front of me. I can't exactly go back to those distracted, lost hours.

Someone once said that those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The flashback just might have been loosely connected to a piece of my own history, a piece that I almost, alarmingly, wrote once again. Anyway, one thing's for sure, the Lord has shown what His presence in my life can do in keeping us on the right path, or all the more often, in bringing us back. Eternity tugs on the heart of every soul, in one way or another... and so does the longing for realization of desires imprinted upon our hearts. Blessings that can only be granted to us by the creator himself, and in His time. The art of "Waiting upon the Lord"... no, the conviction to do so for His Glory, is not something achieved overnight. But not much worth fighting for is won without trial now, is it?

You have permission to laugh all you want ;-) but I have no shame in admitting I liked the artist... and strangely, the video.

Ricky Martin / Meja- Private Emotion - Watch more Music Videos at Vodpod.

My soul waits only upon God; from Him comes my salvation.
~Psalm 62:1

I flipped to day one of my new devotional, not entirely convinced this book will be what I need right now. The opening line coincided with today's [facebook] daily bible verse.

Something tells me I made a good choice.

Gnite, world :)

Love: verb.

Silly me, thinking I could just stay away. ok ok honestly I have been, but there's ONE THING I needed to share from my adventures today.

Below is an excerpt from a fantastic monologue... one that hits a little too frighteningly near to home for me, but the final message, the final conclusion here is quite simply, perfect. It seems to be a little too close to placing relationship with someone else on the level with God, which should never happen, but it isn't that, at all. I believe in two being joined as one, in His name. Serving others comes before serving yourself, always... as hard as that can be to accomplish ever so often. Jesus was the greatest role model of them all in putting others first, especially those who can seemingly do you no good. It's the vision driving me, from the inside out, and I feel it might help someone reading, today:

...I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for you love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.

-Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)

The Theory of Everything

Friends, I'm taking a break from this journal. No worries, just a hiatus from the keys. My pen will continue, or should I say God will continue to pen upon my life, at the very least. And in time (possibly a matter of days, ya never know ;-) I may bring it here.

Seasons come and go. This past week marked the anniversary of one that has revealed so much, and not without sacrifice. Not without its share of of misplaced trust, rebuilding, disappointment, or revelation. Not without nightmares, whether by day or night. And to say the season has ended would be a lie. But how amazingly intricate God's plan really is, and how deep His love for us reaches... if I can even comprehend it. How mysterious (and sometimes terrifying) are His ways to us, but how perfect they are. The more I know, the more I thirst to understand, as it all seems to fit into one elusive, awesome equation.

Speaking of, isn't that what Steven Hawking has been after? We study and decipher the word of God, by peering backwards in time at scripture. Hawking took Pennrose's equations, reversed them, and applied them to the entire universe. He proved that the universe appeared out of one, single, tiny point. But try as he might, he couldn't explain how, or why. Nobody can. Everything came out of that point, everything has been governed by it since. Sounds familiar, doesn't it.

We can call this event a miracle. We can call it Genesis 1:1. We can call it Walter, or Ophelia. Whatever. But even if you could reduce it to a set of mathematical equations, it still begs Hawking's question of "What breathes fire into the equations to make a universe for the equations to describe?" The questions will keep coming, and the equations always have exceptions. In the mean time, I'll keep trying to figure out God, and He'll keep revealing how much we still need to learn ;-)

But what use is there in asking "why" or "how", as Hawking did. Knowing the origin of the absolute has no effect on the fact that it's still the absolute. Our lives aren't dependent on knowing it, and the absolute is unchanged by us. Hawking had his Pennrose equations to start from, or he'd be lost. Again, sound familiar? Somewhere along the lines of, oh, Matthew 22:36-40:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

All the law. For all the science, for all the music, for all the laughs and all the tears we cry, everything I learn about God and about how we're supposed to live and love life points back to accomplishing these verses. We can talk about moral relativism all day long, but we're all born with a sense of right and wrong for what makes this world a better place. As far as I can comprehend... all our actions; our words and all our decisions should boil down to these verses as the aim, in one form or another. Every healthy relationship points to this. Every Sunday sermon points to this. Some wonder why Christians place so much faith in Christ. And those verses were only a few of His words...

Honestly, that's not the heaviest thing on my heart, or my mind right now, but it probably should be. I'm good at redirection, at least. I debate with myself how effective I could be if I really opened up my life to pages on the internet like this... if my inner thoughts would reach anyone in need, in any small way. Compared to a decade, 2 decades ago... we've come a long way in communication. We've come a long way in how many people we can reach. And it'll keep on going... right now twitter is the hot topic. There's so much potential. But in spite of all the technology, in spite of how interconnected we've become, touching another person's life in a real way probably won't happen through a URL. It won't be hyperlinked. It'll be face to face.

And so for the moment I'm moving away from the online distractions. I've been attempting this for months, in small ways. I might even disappear from facebook (gasp), officially or unofficially. But there's many to reach, many to love, much to learn and change out there. Not here. I'm so thankful for so many amazing people in my life, but the quiet has revealed those who really care, who are meant to play a greater role in my life, as they were a light in my darkest days. It's also shone a light on those who need me... some I would have missed amongst all the noise.

I haven't felt real, haven't felt connected to anything, anyone, in so long. I haven't been able to give 100% to anything, for years. It's infinitely frustrating, as I know what drives me, what inspires and excites me, and I've been disconnected from those things for so long. I don't understand the why just yet, but as I've said earlier, the why isn't important... just that I'm now pointed in the right direction. And that's all that matters tonight. That, and someone special to share these thoughts, my heart, and this direction with. To a degree neither of us has know before. All in God's time. :D

We have one life, and every day is another chance to give back to the creator; the one who has given us so much. Science says it started with one big bang. Sounds like an appropriate start to something so awesome ;-)

www.kiva.org

Click on the banner. Make a truly unique difference.

Some organizations send food, some send people, while others enable you to "adopt" a child in less fortunate communities. There's a reason why the rich get richer and the poor get... well, they stay poor. They remain economically starved, and it affects all aspects of their lives. They have no means of bringing themselves out of their plight, and yet there's so much that we could do to help them.

Most of us feel some degree of willingness to help. And for Christians, sometimes it feels like we're being called to drop everything we have, everything we've worked for, and go to Africa. Or Haiti. Or down the street to the local soup kitchen. Help those in need, save lives, etc etc. Worthy causes, of course, but these avenues of service are not meant for everyone.

All of us have our respective giftings; we all have a place the Lord needs us to move, and a place we'll change lives. There are places dedicated to 24/7 worship, 365 day prayer... praying for revival, for a major change in the path our society is taking. I have to admit that sometimes I leave church saddened that I had to leave, that I couldn't remain in the presence of the people, the word, and the music that lifts my spirit. That I couldn't continue praying for those in need, and worshiping in that way. Depressed that tomorrow is Monday, and not Sunday again. But what would that accomplish if it was? It would essentially just be for selfish purposes. A place of refuge, where I'm not reaching those who really need help. Sunday has its purpose, and in strengthening community and ministering to those there so that they're better equipped to serve elsewhere is key. But i'm getting to something here, bear with me.

Sometimes it seems like the acquisition of wealth, in the form of assets, is all that matters in our society. And becoming "successful" means being wealthy. It seems pretty contrary to the tenets we're supposed to live by. But I believe that if you have the ability to become "wealthy", it can serve a great purpose. Money isn't everything, obviously, but it essentially decides a LOT. Without question it provides the means to reach those who are less fortunate. If you use the wealth you acquire to give back to those that need it, you could quite possibly be using what you've been given for the reason you were given it. There's a purpose in our good fortune. As written in Luke 12: "...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." And this means something different for everyone. But the truth is, one way or another, it must be for the benefit of others.

microloans are such an awesome avenue of helping out those who are seeking a way forward, economically. For the rich, it's relatively easy to acquire loans. But those who honestly NEED them are often unable. A good friend spoke last year of the amazing difference microloans can make, as she was able to witness them in action, firsthand. Not sure why I've waited so long to point it out... but check out Kiva from the banner above, and see how easy it is to make a difference from right in front of your own computer.

Butterfly in the sky?

Been away for a bit, and I could share a bazillion and one thoughts but I am le tired.

I love Sundays. What's exciting tho is that my cousin's wedding is tomorrow, so I need sleepz for now.

In my own dorky trekkie way, tonight I'm just going to salute the end of Reading Rainbow. Ironically with bad English, no less, but LaVar Burton from where I knew him best :D

A little slice of history.

I'm not much of a Winston Churchill fan, on the whole. I know more about the technology and events of WWII than I do about the leaders that played such key roles in these dark times. Even FDR. But I do know Churchill was the right man in the right place at the right time for a nation with its back against the wall, fighting for dear life. And there's a lot more wisdom to be had in the prose at the end of this entry, than for what was on the minds of those listening in 1941.

To launch into an extensive "everything happens for a reason" post would be all too easy, and bloring. That's my adjective for boring blog. Churchill might call this blog bloody bloring. Anywho, the fact of the matter is that from our own limited perspective, we see so little of the big picture. There's no denying that. It's no surprise that quite often the more we learn, the more we realize we don't know.

So long as I'm on a roll with cliche phrases (and the cliche police haven't come to take me away...yet), I might as well mention that I've always cringed at the phrase "ignorance is bliss". Nothing could be further from the truth, on so many levels. Sure, it's "comfortable" (maybe) for now. But I'll smack you over the head if you say it in my presence. With that mantra, you're just living on borrowed time. And btw, if they do come and lock me away, I'll have time to write a book on it. Yes, my bloring book on bliss. Hey, look at the Apostle Paul. They guy was in freakin' prison, and so I'm pretty sure his life sucked right about then. What happened there? He wrote the slightly famous letter to the Philipians, and spread the gospel news. You know, part of THE BIBLE. Whether you accept it's word or not, it's the most widely read book ever. And part of it came from a guy locked behind bars. He didn't deserve the sentence, let alone the treatment he was given, but it happened anyway. Yes, news flash, bad things happen to good people. And yet God has a purpose for it. I was reminded of this as I read John 9, where Jesus heals a man born blind. It's written that "As [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."'

God knows how to use our struggles for good. He knows, and He does. He knows how to use the apparent evil in our lives for something greater, far greater than we can see.

The point here, however, is simply the role of perspective, and the power of it. It's been said that "Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed." So it goes with insight into anything. From how much a kind word changes a stranger's day to the effects of a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa. We can control how we view our lives and how we view the world around us, but not a single one of us is in full control of the path for either of those. To believe that we are, actually sets us up for failure. Our perspective rules over our potential in those areas, as I see it. It influences how we prepare. it decides where we put our trust. Just as the more we know reveals how much we don't actually know... those very revelations OPENS UP a door for us to move into those areas. Doors that, with ignorance, remain shut. And there are forces that wish to keep them shut... traps we can all fall into, ever so easily. I've got an itchy trigger finger on launching into real biblical lessons here, but there's too much to say. So long as I'm quoting John tho... "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." ~John 8:36.

This, my friend, is where Churchill's little speech comes in. Forces are fighting fiercely in my mind and heart, as they do in all of our lives from time to time. And it's why I'm listening ever so intently in these times:

"You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done. Those people who are imaginative see many more dangers than perhaps exist; certainly many more than will happen; but then they must also pray to be given that extra courage to carry this far-reaching imagination.

But for everyone, surely, what we have gone through in this period--I am addressing myself to the School--surely from this period of ten months, this is the lesson:

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

~Winston Churchill

one less day
to make yesterday
a stranger to the next

striving to shake
the illusion of being
trapped within the gap
between yourself
and one who's passed

seek the worthy guide
accept His selfless fight
run the narrow path
deny the cold of night

there is no rest
as the only one
of your kind left.

Humbled

God likes to surprise us. I get the funny feeling sometimes that I've jinxed myself out of life changing experiences because I envisioned them happening already, so God changed the plan, ha. Kind of like having to call off a surprise party for someone because they caught wind of the scheme ;-) Truly, all the greatest moments of my life have come in ways and at times I never would have seen coming. Someday I'll stop imagining so many possibilities for my future, and focus on the here and now. Regardless...

How life has changed.

For the better? You'll have to ask me in 5 years. But If there's one thing I've learned in the past year, one thing alone, it's humility. I didn't fully understand the virtue, and I can't say I ever fully will. When I'm out on the street, begging for a place to stay out of the cold, forgotten and lost... maybe then I'd have a better idea. Anyway, I expected a lot of things that never happened.

Recent conversations and the word in Church today have hit on the reality that, on the whole, we tend to say THIS is what I want in life, so HOW God are YOU going to help me get there? We ask God to bend His will to ours. We pray for things to work out the way WE want them to. We ask for our desires to become His... completely the opposite of the way it works! It's the created telling the creator what to do. Silly Rabbit.

I once envisioned my life straight out of college very differently. I dreamed of being on the forefront and becoming an expert in my field (whatever it would be) and respected for my vision, and passion. Lord knows the drive that's been bottled up inside me. I saw myself finally playing piano and/or singing in music ministries, spreading joy in song. But above all else, doing the Lord's work in the purpose He's set before me. I dreamed of already being engaged to an amazingly loving and driven woman, and serving the Lord by helping others alongside her. I dreamed of late nights out on the town, dancing and singing our hearts out. I saw myself in unfamiliar places, shining the light of Christ to those who don't know Him. I saw myself traveling the country for career and just for fun, and exploring the world with her. I saw us finding a home for a family, and being effective within our community. I saw every day being lived with so much gratefulness for where we were, that we could accomplish anything, for His glory.

But the last few years unfolded very, very differently. I'm an innovator at heart, with nowhere specific to innovate. I travel thousands of miles around, with an empty passenger seat and no footprints to keep mine company. I hear the Lord's call to minister, to serve, but I don't yet hear how. I'm following music as I once had, without the talent to create it myself. I hear church bells ringing, but not for us. Days, weeks, months seem to fly by, at the peak of my youthful days, and I'm largely idle in progress, save faith. I love being spontaneous and crazy with my best friends, and in the trauma of undoing all of who I was, I have seemingly lost that spark. I'm pretty boring these days. I tragically seem to be a friend to so many, but a companion to none.

But what do I have to complain about? REALLY NOW? I have a roof over my head, and a warm place to sleep. Always a meal on the table, often worthy of the finest italian restaurants. I have a loving family that sticks together, and a job that pays the bills. Heck, I even have a very stable and financially encouraging career waiting for me. And I'm in perfect health, uncomfortably energetic (thanks youtube), physically fit, and nothing more than mild seasonal allergies to be bothered with. I have friends that care dearly for me; people I really admire and I'm forever grateful for. And above all else, I've finally broken down the walls inside to seek the fullness of the Lord, in all his amazing grace... in a relationship that only grows stronger every day. What... WHAT, could I ever be ungrateful for. I've been blessed in so many ways. And you know what? I really do seek out His will for my life, and not my own will anymore. I don't seek fulfillment through just watching others any longer. But everything feels empty without knowing the calling to fulfill, and journeying with my other half I once thought I had found.

Nevertheless, today in church confirmed I'm on the right track,in some ways... this post is really about something I won't touch on specifically yet, but it's about being obedient to Him. To being JOYFUL in being obedient in His will. and you know how you get there? With true faith and relationship first, then the ability to be obedient naturally follows. You can't put the cart before the horse, so to speak, as I was trying to do for so many years. You can be a man/woman of God on the outside, do so many godly things in your life, save others... stop wars, cure cancer... and still never be known to Him.

I once thought humility was the last thing I had to work on, until I was truly humbled. I once thought... you know, I don't have much of an ego. But in all reality, I saw myself on a certain esteemed level in society... a worldly view, but I valued it then. I saw myself as worthy of certain things, and other things seemed unworthy of my time and effort. Things other people value. That is, until I realized I wasn't admired for much of anything by my peers. Until I realized that my degree wasn't good for much more than a career I'm no longer pursuing. Until I realized that I was foolishly hoping my love of so many years would adore me for things I just didn't embody yet. Until I realized that I was so focused on myself, so caught up in the worldly view of things, that I didn't fully see what putting others first really meant, when I assumed that I had been serving well enough so far. Until I saw what true sacrifice and humility was on the cross.

Those concerns, in light of the bigger picture, are relatively insignificant. I'm still seeing those things in the old light, forgetting that the Lord loves all of us equally. That any insecurity I had about losing my former love to the reality of my shortcomings is so foolish... anyone I'm meant to walk with will be with me through thick and thin, will see to the heart of me, and will make me a priority, as I will with her. If the worldly view got in the way of past relationships, then I'm overjoyed to leave the worldly to seek the Voice of Truth.

And that's where I'm going with this, I suppose. I'm well aware of how much this post is themed toward marriage, and companionship in my life. Two things that, if I didn't know the Lord desires for his children, I could assume are just another example of ME telling the Lord what I need in my life.

I'm getting at one vision that has proven Godly, throughout my life and continues to be as I see it fulfilled in others. It's actually something that haunted my inner thoughts and held me back in my last relationship, because it was missing. It's honestly not necessary, in any regard, as I loved her with all my heart either way, and the Lord brings people together in His way, as this post should make obvious. But I've always envisioned meeting my future beloved while serving the Lord. Being brought together because our paths just so happen to cross while giving of ourselves in Christlike service to others, and growing together because we're both focused on the Lord's work and not on ourselves. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but that's me. I've toyed with the possibility of joining MAF, a Christian missionary organization that needs pilots to fly into remote places around the world... usually third world countries. Spreading the truth about Christ while providing badly needed aid. That's all I would need in life... fulfilling God's purpose for me in a way such as that. Not even close to a healthy environment for starting a family, but in going along with the theme here, I wouldn't bat an eye to the story of meeting my future wife in a jungle of Central America, as I'm flying in medical supplies to a remote village she's there to aid as well.

So if I really am jinxing myself out of future events, there goes another one!

I'm rebuilding my life. Starting from scratch. And if I'm actually meant to share the adventures I dreamed of with someone, if I ever become as effective in ministry as I long to be, of finding true purpose and doing the Lord's work, and if I ever have a family I can lead in Christlike love, then it just hasn't happened yet, and there's no time to start but now. God willing :)

~~~~~~~~
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.
~2 Chronicles 20:17
~~~~~~~~

I just have to keep reminding myself, is all. Some battles are being won, while others are bound within a soul tie that only the Lord himself can allow to be broken, as ungodly; or redeemed, if godly it should truly be.

I'm just at the end of my rope in many ways, from feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, in life. Being completely held down by it. Of feeling like I have so much more to give, so much more to do, and not knowing where or how after all this time. Of knowing what it's like when someone is sent to walk with you, that one person you waited for, and then ultimately only knowing the same distance you knew before it all. I saw what could be in the harvest, but not the waters or earth to grow in. I didn't know them, yet. I'm striving to be made worthy, but above all I need His wisdom and grace. I know I'm being slightly redundant from previous posts, but the one certainty is that I'm being made ready for something, or someone. Or just one thing alone; salvation.

God wants us to worship Him...but how we live, every day, is the greatest avenue of worship. Colossians 3:23 is where it's at. Personally, I find great joy and great peace in worship music, but it's never about the music itself... just as any other outward actions of worship are not what's revered. Music is just the way some best express the spirit of God; the way some best share it, and spread it. Song can be another way the Lord displays His glory, through us.

God looks at the heart. Worship is born from within, not without.

keep digging deeper, deeper, for the wells of joy....

~~~~~~~~
And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.
~Revelation 21:1-5
~~~~~~~~

Something so powerful, should shake the whole wide world.
~Matt Redman, Beautiful News

we're here to make sure it does. on every heart, in every home, on every street corner.

more so than when we arrived

just the thought for tonight